Friday, October 23, 2009
like a lion eyeing it's prey.
Fueled by lust, by curiosity
by what can and what will be.
like the dessert for the rain.
Longing ever constant,
thirsty for days.
Impatient to sink my teeth, my claws
into this delicious fantasy.
On the verge of an orgasm
but not quite reached the peak.
Hopeful that all the waiting
will satiate the long awaiting beast.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
you kept me at arm’s length.
A little window here, a little crack there,
but never the full open view.
You invite me in your life
but never let me in.
You built walls around yourself
I can only dream of crumbling.
You wear an impermeable armor,
I can never take off.
I pushed and I pulled.
I loved and I hated.
Opened my senses,
learned to compromise.
Try as I may
all my efforts are futile.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Clouds mirror my state of being,
quietly sobbing with me
like a loyal companion to a grieving friend.
My stomach growls, hurting
in the process of devouring me
Starved for a handful of dirt
in your acres of affection.
Crumbs, a single drop, a second thought,
is that what I've come to believe I'm worth?
I was born today many years ago,
but today I bury hope,
my heart's wake.
Friday, October 16, 2009
A foreign concept, a mere idea
as distant as another world.
A belief aided partly by poverty,
and partly by ignorance.
The lack of aroused interest.
Shelves full of books,
mind filled with awe,
possibilities never ending.
You inspire me.
Caught a whiff of a glorious symphony,
felt the allure of a place beyond my own.
My tongue unearthed the voice of loss,
witnessed distress that rattled my core,
challenged my soul.
I am awakened,
awareness echoing off
the walls of my existence.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
hears a melody,
smells fragrant flowers,
tastes sweet candy.
Feels magical beyond belief,
lives inside of me.
Hope stays, lingers,
blossoms like spring.
Remains in my heart like
music stuck in my brain.
Stubborn, persistent like a
suitor standing in the rain.
I hope you come.
I hope you stay.
I hope what we had
is forever and a day.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Once full of vibrance
Full of life
A reason to smile
To dream and to believe
Pricked by the painful needle of life
Too many times
Steadily and quickly
My heart, my youth slithers
Away from it's once beautiful
Once innocent home
Neither tape nor gauze
Can patch the damage
Trapped in a cage
Unable to move, unable to leave
Unable to change what's unfolding
Spectator of my own balloon
Deflating out of control
Until it's lost its meaning
Now reduced to only a distant memory
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
This particular quote by Anais Nin caught my eye, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the ris k it took to blossom." How true in my case. I was very young when I first set foot in America. The immigration officer who interviewed me told my mom and I that I am very young and I am sure to change. I thought to myself that day that I will never change and I'll never forget the values instilled in me by my parents.
Religion aside, I thought that changing was the wrong thing to do. I thought I had to stand my ground and preserve myself no matter what it took, no matter how hard it will be. I quickly learned that if I was to survive and adapt, I would have to embrace a Japanese proverb that says, "The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists." So I started bending. It wasn't easy. Bending can give you back pain but bending was way better than breaking.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
1. Gerard Butler - Shag and then shag some more and more and more.
2. Sean Connery - Shag in her 007 times.
3. George Clooney - Shag, you saw that one coming.
4. Jessica Alba - Shag
5. Clint Eastwood - Definitely shag then marry, when he was younger of course.
6. Matt Damon - Shag
7. Kevin Costner - Shag
8. Robert Redford - Shag, again, when he was younger.
9. Christian Bale - Shag over and over then marry.
10. Alec Baldwin - Shag, when he did Red October.
11. Hugh Jackman - Marry then shag whenever I want.
12. Richard Gere - Marry when he was young.
13. Chris Pine - Shag! that was no surprise!
14. Matthew McConaughey - Shag and then shag some more, maybe marry.
15. Charlize Theron - Shag
Ok, maybe I should have renamed the game Shag - Marry. I didn't feel like killing anyone tonight. Call me a wuss. Now, it's your turn.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I have never been a believer of general statements. No matter what group you are trying to describe, there's always an exception to the rule. There are a lot of people who haven't had the chance to travel the world or to be exposed to situations, places and people different from their own and what they're used to. Whatever the case may be, these people are confined to the corner of the world they live in. It's not their fault and I'm not saying that to be insulting nor am I demeaning them in any way. I'm merely stating a fact and illustrating why they say what they say and why they think that way.
Having lived in Seattle for years now and meeting so many different kinds of people, I know that everyone's unique and that it's ridiculous to think you can lump them all in one category. I'm also aware that as much as these people sound like all Filipinas living in the Philippines are a certain way, they're not. Just like any other race, there are always the ones who are considered the black sheep or in my case, the ones who go against the grain.
Some adjectives used to describe a typical Filipina which I don't possess are patient, non believer of divorce and religious. I'll be first to admit I have a temper and I'm very impatient. I am working on that and know it's not a good thing. Sometimes, I justify it as having passion.
My post about divorce will give you an idea of where I stand on that subject matter.
I used to be religious but now I'm spritual. I don't believe in going to Church every Sunday because that's what you're supposed to do. I'll go if I want to but not because grandma tells me to. I believe there is a God and that He is everywhere so if I need to talk to him, I can do it wherever I am. I just don't have much faith in organized religion anymore and I have my reasons.
I'm sure that my sexual orientation and lifestyle are taking a lot of the heat from that comment. I've said it before and I'll say it again. There are a lot of Filipina women who are swingers. Then again, they live in the U.S. too. I can't speak for the ones who live in the Philippines. Bottom line is that my husband and I have been married for ten years and we have had our ups and downs. We both agreed to becoming swingers and as hard it is to believe, it is doing more good than bad in our marriage. It's an unconventional way to bring two people closer together but it has spiced things up for us. If for any reason, he feels this is not working out anymore, I'd be more than happy to stop. My family is still the most important thing for me. This whole swinging thing is just another activity for us, a hobby if you may. It's an adventure and not many couples can say that they're secure and that they're relationship is strong enough to handle such challenge. This is an experiment and so far, it's working in our favor.
I was born and spent some years in the Philippines so I still have some of the typical traits expected of a Filipina. I'm still understanding, caring, supportive, family oriented and well educated . I'm going to stop now before this starts sounding like a dating service ad. The point being is that I chose which traits to keep and which ones to change. Change is not such a bad thing. It's been intrumental in my survival in a different country.
It's clear to me that I don't belong in the Filipina category anymore according to some people who have made such comments. So I looked deep inside to figure out who I am now. Gutzon Borglum once said in How to Segregate The American Girl, "The Western girl has her nostrils filled with the free air of great open regions of her childhood. She is almost wild in her demand for freedom. She walks alone, she thinks alone, and she isn't much concerned whether you agree with her or not. She constiture herself her own chaperon." Mr. Borglum hit it right on the head. That's me now, an American girl, one part of it anyway. With America being so diversed, it's hard to say what typical really is.
When it comes right down to it, I'm an individual. It doesn't matter where I was born or what color my skin is. I'd prefer to be seen and treated as a human being and not be lumped into a particular stereotype. I made my choices and I deal with the consequences. I think for myself and I don't blindly follow what society tells me to. I'm not hurting anyone and I expect the same. I learn as I go and believe in living my life to the fullest even if it's not what others consider the norm. That's me a nutshell. If you don't like it, you can move on to the next person.
A little tip to the future readers who can't handle who I am. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
RdGarnet has a post about her guilty pleasures and it inspired me to make a list of my own just for fun. Here we go.
- Boy toys, boy toys and oh, did I mention boy toys?
- Double tall latte
- My new bunny vibrator
- Deep fried stuff
- Watching crap on TV
- Spending way too much time online
- Blowjobs *blushes*
- Sexy shoes
- My favorite drink beautiful
- Buying books I don’t have time to read
- Eating out
- Going to the movies
- Sending text messages while at work
Monday, September 14, 2009
I came home that day determined to learn how to draw. I didn't stop until I finally made something that resembled a frog. I never stopped drawing until life's demands didn't leave me much time for it anymore.
I had forgotten about my love for drawing until I saw Dean's Nudes. It awoken a desire in me. It fanned the amber of my passion for creating. I had bought drawing materials a couple of months ago, not sure what I wanted to do with it. It's been collecting dust in some corner of my house.
I took it out the night hubby was out of town, after the kids have gone to bed. It was just me, the paper and the charcoal pencil and a picture for a model. I had no idea what I was gonna come up with. it's been so long, I was sure I was rusty. I started with very tense hands reflecting my current state. Gradually, my hand relaxed and so did my lines. This is the very first time I've used charcoal and had no idea how to work with it. I didn't think I could erase it so what you see is my drawing in it's original form. No backsies. When I started drawing the line along the spine, I thought I had messed it up royally because it came out very harsh and heavy. I tried to erase it with my fingers and that's how I found my technique for blending the charcoal. It's still pretty much a hit and miss tactic but I didn't quit. I just kept going until I was satisfied with it.
I later read about charcoal and learned that I can use an eraser and it should do wonders to my next attempt. Thanks for the inspiration Dean! :)
Saturday, August 29, 2009
As I was trying to act cool on my seat, a guy walks in and I can almost see light behind him. YUM!!! I noticed he was carrying a baby carrier. Double YUM! Behind him is this older woman. I'm guessing she's the mom eventhough she looks too old for him. He also looked too handsome for her but who am I to question love. For all intents and purposes of my daydreaming, that was his mom.
Back to his hotness. I realized that I've always been attracted to guys with children. There's just something so sexy about a guy with a child. I think it's the hope that they are responsible, gentle, selfless and caring. Also, that they have some level of commitment. If you make me choose between twins, same hot looking guys, one with a child and one without, you can bet I'll jump on the one with a kid. There, I said it.
Friday, August 28, 2009
I have never had a girl crush before and I feel like I was new to the whole crush scene all over again. I was shaking inside and my palms were cold and sweaty. I gave her a hug then wondered if I should have given her a kiss. I also wondered if I should have walked her to her car when we were done shopping. I don't know how I should behave in this girl on girl relationship as I've never been on one.
She looked just as gorgeous as I remembered when she stepped out of her car. There's just something about the way she sways those hips when she walks that just so irresistible. So feminine, so sexy, so hypnotic and so begging me to take charge. I think she was a bit nervous too. We had dinner and a little chitchat. I was slowly regaining my composure and get off track again when she gives me those bedroom eyes. There was a lot of awkward moments and nervous laugh. I had a headache because I was so nervous but I made it out alive.
We made it to Lovers without touching each other. We giggled and oooohed and aaaahed at the different dildos and other sexy things. I ended up getting a bunny and she got a strap on. I wonder who she's gonna use it on? Hmmm... She sure was excited about it. I told her I was bringing my brand new strap on as well when we meet again and show our men our new toys. With that we parted with a hug and it was still awkward. I don't know if I should have kissed her. I am however anxiously waiting if she's going to take my offer of being my partner in crime in making my boy toy's fantasy of pleasuring two women at once come true.
Yes, that's how I'm feeling right now. So unusual, so unexpected but I welcome it with arms wide open. Was it the double tall latte? Is it because it's Friday? I think not. I've had lattes and Fridays before but I never felt like I do now. I think that's what makes this feeling so wonderful because it has no rhyme or reason, it just is. I'm usually this giddy and happy if I'm about to meet someone I really like spending time with or about to do something I really enjoy. That's understandable and expected but to feel this great and not know why makes me feel special. It's like being given an unexpected gift that I have wanted forever but couldn't afford.
I wish I can share it with everyone. I wish I can touch people and let them feel exactly what I'm feeling. It's so wonderful. *smiles* The best I can do is inform the world it does exist and it can happen to you when you least expect it. I wish it stays forever but for now, I'll just enjoy it and be grateful it came to me. Here's wishing I'll pass it on to you.
Have you ever felt like this before? If you know the reason why you're happy, that's wonderful too and I want to hear your stories. This world can use uplifting stories every now and then to give hope to the rest who have been unfortunate and to remind them the world still has good things in it and to not give up.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Me: Hello, is Jeffrey available?
Asshole: There is no Jeffrey here you stupid bitch!
Ouch! How did he know my first and middle name without me telling him? Mind reader? Seriously, that left me speechless and with a lump in my throat. What did I ever do to him? Anyway, just another day in paradise. That's what I tell myself every morning.
Do you have any interesting, funny, weird or just mind boggling things happen to you at work? Do tell...
I heard a story about a mom who went to work every day as if nothing was wrong. Someone found out that she had been living in her car with her little boy because they lost their house. They got the help they needed through the company she was working for, thanks to the concerned citizen.
I complain a lot about how messy my house gets and how the space feels like it keeps getting smaller instead of being thankful for having a house and keeping my babies safe and warm. A story like that one put some sense back into my ungrateful head in an instant, leaving me a bit embarrassed for even complaining one bit.
How about you? Have you ever lost sight of the big picture? I'm looking forward to hearing your stories.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Kyle pulled me and wanted me to ride his cock. Beside him is Ashley who was kissing my husband. That position didn’t do much for me so I laid down beside Ashley. Just as I started playing with Ashley, Kyle pulled me towards the edge of the bed with my ass up in the air. He entered my pussy and it felt heavenly. He was holding my hips ever so gently while picking up speed with his pumping. Hubby went away for a water break and I took over his position in the pussy department. So I now had a huge cock in my pussy, clit on my mouth, nipples on my left hand and pussy around my right index and middle fingers. I enjoyed hearing Ashley moan with pleasure I was responsible for. I was moaning like crazy myself. The cock felt amazing but the sensation of touching and feeling the softness of a woman on top of that was euphoric.
Hubby came back in the room when Kyle and Ashley were taking a break in the living room. I sucked his cock for a little bit until it was ready for action again. When his cock was soaked with my pussy juice, we called in Ashley for reinforcement and there she was with her sweet voice and willing smile.
She was on all fours, hubby was pounding her from behind and I was underneath her licking and sucking her pussy and ocassionally licked and played with hubby’s balls too. The sight of hubby’s cock penetrating that pussy turned me on tremendously. Watching his cock go in and out of that pussy and slamming it harder and harder unleashed the sex animal in me.
The night ended with satisfied smiles plastered on our faces. Ashley and I are going toy shopping next week.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Age: 39 years old
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Marital Status: Single
Height: 6 ft 2 in / 187-190 cm
Body Type: Athletic
Smoking: I'm a non-smoker
Eye Color: Blue
He offered to give me a tour of the news channel building and a helicopter ride too. I couldn’t say no to adventure. We stayed in a conference room close to the rooftop which was almost always vacant. I was a nervous wreck with all the windows and door open. I was so afraid someone was going to walk in on us. He was very reserved the whole time just waiting for my signal. When I told him to take charge, boy, was I surprised! There were fireworks when we kissed and an oh so fluid rhythm. I found myself straddling him while he was sitting on a chair. I was very aroused as I was grinding my hips on him.
Even after he closed the blinds on the window, I was still very uneasy. So he took me to the closet and started wildly making out with me. He was kissing me hungrily which I really enjoyed while managing to take off my pants and thong. Next thing I knew, I was on the floor on all four while he was diligently licking and kissing my pussy and ass hole. That was a new sensation to me and made me feel a bit uncomfortable but it no doubt felt really good. I was soaking wet when he instructed me to get up. He picked me up and pinned me on the wall with my legs around him. That was another new thing for me and it sent me to orbit. There was no penetration yet at this point but I was so excited and the feeling of being suspended in midair and completely under someone’s control was just amazing.
The only missing is piece is a hard cock. Where was it you ask? I have no idea. Yes, he couldn’t get it up. He told me he was too concerned about someone walking in or someone calling him for duty which in about a few seconds did happen. He had to go fly the helicopter for some breaking news that they had to cover and I didn’t have enough time to put my thong back on so I stuffed it in my pocket while we hurried to the helicopter. For about half the time we were up there looking over the nice view of downtown Seattle and the water, I was still in disbelief of what just happened. Let’s just say I couldn’t fully appreciate the view or where I was because my mind was still in the hot, steamy closet.
We met again for coffee close to his place one afternoon. This time, I was intent on finding out just how good he feels when he’s hard inside me. Sadly, it still didn’t happen. It was difficult to not take it personally. Needless to say, I was very disappointed. He said it wasn’t me; he just has a mental block with women who have children. I didn’t understand why he even bothered with me when he knew that I’m a mommy from the very beginning. I was resentful for being his guinea pig. He supposedly moved to another state shortly after that. It was too bad because we really got along well outside of the bedroom. I had a good time with him at the museum once.
Earlier this year, I receive a text message from him after not hearing from him this whole time. He’s back in the Northwest and is now ready for me. I was then busy with another boy toy and I didn’t feel like opening myself up for another disappointment.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
I met Matt about a year ago at a bookstore, for coffee. Immediately, we felt a strong connection. It was so strong that we wanted to rip each other's clothes off right there in the middle of all those books under the flourescent lighting. There was nothing sexy about where we were but I can feel just how much he wanted to have his way with me right there. I had to keep moving away from him, trying not to blush too much because what I saw in his eyes was raw lust. It ended with a hug at the parking lot as we parted ways and then I received a message from him confirming what I knew all along. He wanted to have me from the moment he saw me. I told him I felt the same way and couldn't wait to get my hands on him, among other things. *wink* He would have fucked me in his car he said. Eventhough that sounded exciting, I wanted our first time to be in a bed so we have more freedom to do what we wanted in any position.
Then yesterday, he asked me if I still want his cock and when I want it. I played along a little and said yes and of course, we were back to our scheduling issue. I started to make excuses not see him too. I thought he was too perfect and I'm not. I also thought he will be lame in bed anyway so why bother. Then I had the stupid idea that he might be psycho and I'll never make it back home. Then I realized I have been out of the game for too long and making excuses. It was time I faced my fears.
I was waiting for him to cancel again like he did last minute the last time I thought we were getting together but he didn't. Slowly, all my fears melted away and I was just horny as hell and excited. My clit is still all tingly as I write this. *blush* So here's the part you've been waiting for. We met at a mall parking lot so I didn't have to drive all the way to his place. He looked a little different without his hat on and he gained a little weight but he still looked cute. I get in his car and immediately, he kisses me full on the mouth and I just melted. I'm not exaggerating, I really felt my body and brain turn to mush. We had chemistry alright. I thought that was enough even if he really turns out to be lame. I had no expectations as to avoid disappointments. I've been disappointed way too many times.
He couldn't keep his hands to himself and I was getting wetter and wetter by the minute. We got to his place and as soon as that door closes, it was on. He was telling me how much he wanted to do this from the day at the bookstore while kissing me, fondling me and undressing me at the same time. I couldn't wait to unwrap my overdue present either and man! was I happy with his package. His cock was bigger than I thought and it filled my mouth oh so nicely.
I pushed him down the bed while I enjoyed my new treat and oh was it delicious! Even his balls were perfect. I don't like saggy ones. Then it was his turn to return the favor. When that tongue touched my clit, I saw stars. Yes, he was orally gifted and that's not even the best part. I couldn't wait any longer, I was longing for his huge dick to fill me up. Again, no disappointment there, only pleasure when he entered. In less than a minute, he came and I thought I was doomed, that it was too good to be true. I was still hopeful he can get it up again and I was willing to wait because I had intentions of riding that masterpiece. Well, guess what ladies and gents? He never went limp! His cock was rock hard for almost two hours straight. Unbelievable! He's only 28 so I'm sure it was his natural gift and not blue-pill assisted. This would be a good time to give you his profile. He's 6'4, about 170 pounds, hazel eyes, caucasian and a highschool football coach.
So imagine my surprise when I didn't need to wait. I rode on that massive cock so fast just in case, I was dreaming. Nope, I was fully awake and fully aroused. The good news just kept coming. As soon as I sat on it, I was frozen with undescribable pleasure. He hit the spot! I couldn't move because it was just all too much. He saw this and was very amused and teased me even more by grinding me against his cock. I was having a sensory overload. It was a mix of laughter and moaning.
After I came, he wouldn't even give me a break. I know, am I really complaining? He didn't want to take his dick off of me. He wanted to leave it there until I was ready to go again. Like I said, I didn't have to move to feel that overwhelming sensation of pleasure so there was really no break for me. We just kept going and going and going and my pussy is not even sore and it's still horny after all that pounding. If it wasn't three in the morning and if he didn't have to be at work by seven, we probably wouldn't stop. When we were getting ready to leave, we finally had a chance to just talk and underneath that sex machine is a nice, gentle, almost innocent, sweet guy who opens doors for me. What a lovely evening-morning I had.
I took this week off with the major goal of getting my to-do list boxes checked. There wasn't supposed to be any play time that would distract me from my goal but I was too weak to say no to fun times. I have wasted countless times in the past by deviating from the goal and regretted it tremendously but not this time. This time, I somehow achieved balance. I don't know how I did it but I did. I was able to squeeze in time for fun and still got some of my chores done. I didn't get all of them done but enough to make me feel like I've used my time wisely.
No more vacation for me for the rest of the year and I need all the help and support I can get to get through this without falling apart. Yes, it can be that bad some days. For now, I take a bow to a well spent vacation full of relaxation, sexy fun, accomplishments and inner peace.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The Daycare Center that we send our kids to asked for some donation they can sell on a yard sale type of deal so I was religiously going through my stuff. It was either donate or volunteer to sit out there on a weekend and sell those stuff. I cannot sell anything to save my life and I'd hate to waste a weekend selling instead of having fun. I knew I had a lot of things to donate anyway to free up some space in my getting cramped by the minute house.
So I came across my babies' holloween costumes; a little duck, lady bug, bear and a flower. Aaaaww! I actually had to think about it. It sounds overly dramatic but if you're a parent, you can somewhat relate to this I hope. These were not just costumes, they had memories attached to them. I really miss the little cuddly babies who wore the costumes. Yes, they were very demanding at that age and practically attached to my hips one hundred percent but they also didn't have attitudes that toddlers have. When they were babies, they were just little blobs with those big eyes that stare at me adoringly. I was their everything. I am proud to see my children grow more independent each day but I do miss being needed from time to time. Can you imagine what my blog would be like when they have gone to College? *shiver*
So I had a little farewell moment with those costumes and told myself that other babies can make more memories with them. If I need to remember those baby days, I can just look at the pictures and try to enjoy every moment of them being toddlers because soon enough, I will miss these times as well.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Tonight, I realized just how serious the situation is. There I was, giving my usual lecture, discussing consequences with her and she had this smile on her face and twinkle in her eyes. I asked her to repeat what I said because she was very good with the "yes mommy" part when I asked her if I made myself clear. To my surprise, almost everything I said went in one ear and out the other. That just made me furious! I wasted my breath. I didn't know what to do with her anymore. She only remembers bits and pieces and not the good ones either. She doesn't remember what she did wrong or she blocked that out. She knows the consequence though but it doesn't really make any difference to her because she'll just get into trouble again the next chance she gets.
I sent her to her room and my husband talked to her. This is the part that broke my heart. She said she is going to space to find a family that loves her. My heart is broken because I felt like I failed her and I failed as a mother. I love her with all my heart and yet she only remembered the scolding part. She thinks that just because I'm so upset that I don't want her anymore. Tough love worked on me when I was a child because I was aware of what I did wrong. It's not working with her because she shuts out the part where she was actually being stubborn. No cause and effect, just effect for her. I also am completely helpless as to how to deal with her.
I was crying to my husband out of frustration and guilt. We should be our daughter's support system. I realized we let life get in the way with making sure she felt loved. I'm guilty for always being busy. I need to revisit my priorities. I've been too consumed with chores, work, going to the gym, my marriage, swinging, my parents, daydreaming about vacation, my cat's flea problems, making dinner and a gazillion other things that my kids went on the wayside. I feel horrible about that. I felt like I don't deserve to have such two beautiful children. They should be my first priority. After all, none of the other things really matter if I lose my children due to my own negligence.
I feel so awful that she felt we don't love her and I want to make this right. So hubby and I devised a plan. We will spend more time with the kids especially my daughter who feels like my son is taking over her world. We will go buy games the whole family can play this week. We will enroll them in swimming lessons this Sunday. We will go to the zoo and watch Ice Age very soon. We will have one on one time with her just so she can talk her heart out.
I went to her room but she was already asleep. I kissed her cheek, brushed her hair off her face and covered her up with her blanky.
I took a week off of work starting today. I needed time away, away from everything. If I had it my way, I would be on a tropical island relaxing and watching the waves do its little dance with the sand. I’ll have a drink in my hand, served by a handsome man or men in their Speedos. Of course my beloved hubby would be there and my favorite part is the no care in the world attitude vacations usually bring. The only decision I have to make is what my next meal is going to be and even that would be served whenever I wanted it. No need to plan or even make it myself. Aahh… my happy place.
*alarm going off* Wake up time. Yes that’s right ladies and gentlemen, that was just a dream. I’m spending my week at home catching up on chores. Anything’s better than being at work to tell you the truth. Yes I know, If I’m that miserable in my job then I should find another one. I wish it was that easy but in this economy, it’s suicide. So for now, I’ll make the best of what I have and that’s a week of freedom.
I got up at 7:30 this morning to get the kids ready for daycare then I went back to sleep and was supposed to be up an hour later. I must have turned my alarm off because when I woke up, it was 10:30. I made myself something to eat and watched Adam and Steve. It’s an entertaining, funny and emotional movie. It’s a gay romantic comedy and enjoyed it. I even liked the way it ended. When that was over, my morning was pretty much gone. I know I should have been starting on my chores but I just wanted to be a couch potato. For some reason, when I turn that T.V. on, it puts me under a I-don’t-wanna-do-anything spell. I fooled around some more on my IPhone reading blogs here and there wondering what makes a blog worthy of a Blogs of Note Award when a lot of them are not even worth reading in my opinion. I did see some blogs that peaked my interest, even inspired me to write. It’s amazing how many people are out there and how different they are from each other and yet somehow connected by the experiences and challenges they’re facing on a daily basis.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Lately, my days have been filled with worry, fear, doubt and just complete internal chaos. A risk one takes when opening one's mind to knowledge is losing the faith that has been instilled in her. I now am open to the possibility that we create our own destiny and every choice we make affects our future and that nothing is written in stone. That way of thinking puts a lot of pressure on me instead of on a higher power. Now I have to do the best I can and not leave any stone unturned before I accept that's just how things are going to be. That mentality makes it more depressing and frustrating when I fail because now, I blame myself instead of thinking it happened for a reason. I am grateful to be exposed to other ways of thinking and learning to think for myself but I paid a very high price.
Once again, my problem can be resolved by achieving balance but exactly how I'm going to do that is the question. I'm completely torn between the two. Each has its own advantages and disadvantages. Unfortunately this time, my mother won't be holding my hand and walking me through it. I very much would like to go back to my old way of thinking which is more comforting for me but I'm always going to have this voice in my head reminding me of what I have learned. So now it comes down to choosing between being carefree, living each moment and moving forward or being completely responsible for everything that happens in my life, looking back and correcting the mistakes I made and avoiding it in the future. It's between living or worrying and stressing. It should be easy to pick a side now but I can't shake off the feeling that I'm missing an important factor to make a sound judgment. For now, I'll stay in limbo. Suggestions are welcome and needed.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
So while I was waiting for my bus this afternoon in 91 degrees temperature, a woman in her fiftees or sixtees walked passed me. I immediately zoomed in on her. Her green, form-fitting halter dress that stopped just below her crotch caught my attention and half her ass cheeks peeking through. She must have weighed 160 pounds or so with hair dyed red. She looks to be high on something and I'm pretty sure it wasn't life. She could have been on medication too but who knows. Maybe even drunk, it's anyone's guess. She went straight to the trash can and started digging. She got some stuff out and one by one laid them on the ground. She had to bend down to do this and the first time she did, her rear end was facing the other way, giving the people across the street a pretty good view. The next time she bent over, her butt was facing my direction. This is the train-wreck-moment. I should have looked away but I just had to see for myself. I know it wasn't going to be pretty but I had to know the truth. Was she or was she not wearing a thong underwear? As if in slow motion, she bends over and I see white, pale ass with hair in and around the crack and no, I repeat, no underwear! Aaaaagggghhhh! My eyes!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Here's his profile so you have an idea of who he is. Too bad I can't show you his face picture.
Birthdate: October 7, 1979(29 years old)
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Marital Status: Single
Height: 6 ft 3 in / 190-193 cm
Body Type: Athletic
Smoking: I'm a non-smoker
Drinking: I'm a light/social drinker
Drugs: I don't use drugs
Education: Master's Degree
Male Endowment: Very Long/Thick
We met at dance club on a different night. I couldn't tell where he was. I thought he would be shorter because of his picture. I should have paid attention to his profile. Anyway, we finally met and he too, did not pay attention to my profile. He thought I would be blonde. Not even close. We danced for a bit and this guy can dance. That's always a plus in my book. I couldn't understand most of what he said because of his Bulgarian accent but I understood enough I guess.
When I told him I wanted to see him that night I was exceptionally horny, we met a restraurant and talked over dinner. The whole time I was thinking, "enough talking, let's get it on!". We finally went back to his place and I was nervous as hell. I didn't know what to expect and I was excited at the prospect of having sex with another man with my husband knowing about it. I unzipped his pants and out came anaconda. I was drooling over that man meat in front of me. Yum! I love giving oral sex. It makes my job more exciting when the guy's cock is huge. Oh did I have some fun licking and sucking that lollipop. After much teasing and foreplay, I couldn't wait anymore for his hard tool to take care of my urges. I thought I would see stars when he penetrated my pussy but I didn't. I chalked it up to my mind messing with me with it being the very first one. For some reason, the thought that my husband knew about it, took away the ultimate thrill. I had his blessing so it wasn't dangerous and therefore seemed like a very normal sexual encounter. Don't get me wrong, I had my fun and I always orgasm but it just wasn't as explosive as I thought. It could also be all that anticipation.
The sex might not have been all I've hoped for but I enjoyed his company. We had candles all over his room and had jazz music in the background. He's a cudddler too. What I enjoyed the most was him stroking my hair while I was nuzzled in his arms. We're good friends now and still see each other from time to time. We were toying with the idea of meeting in a dance club. I will be wearing a short skirt so I could easily lift it up when he's hard and ready then we can have sex in the club. He will most likely be sitting down while I lower myself slowly but of course the challenge will be not getting caught.
It took me four long months to finally do anything about it. I was chicken for the most part. I thought that these guys are way too hot to want me. You have to know that I'm a mom of two little ones and my life was pretty much work and home. I've been married for 9 years then and I just didn't feel all that sexy and attractive anymore. So there was the insecurity and fear of rejection and the other factor that kept me from jumping in was the protection issue. I have never been a big fan of condoms, in fact, I hate them. I might as well use a dildo. It just doesn't feel that good for me. However, I couldn't very well just ignore the health risk of having multiple sex partners. I'm sure the few minutes of pleasure won't be worth contracting sexually transmitted disease. There was no way I was going out there unprotected, not with two young children at home who need me.
So I made peace with myself and using condom and now have a favorite brand. Trojan Supra is the best if you ask me. It's super thin and it's latex-free. I swear it doesn't feel like it's there. My eyes just roll at the back of my head during penetration. So the swinging begins.
Monday, July 20, 2009
The question was directed at me as well and here's my preference. *drum roll* I will always pick the real ones any day. I have real ones and even though they're not monstrous in size, I like them this way, au naturel. It wasn't my own breasts that helped me made the decision though, it was other women's, which I had the pleasure of sampling.
The very first lady I had the pleasure of experiencing was an A cup size. Honestly, there wasn't much for me to play with but that didn't keep me from having a really good time. The rest of her was nonetheless enticing. The next girl I remember playing with had about a 36 B cup size but the girls were surgically enhanced. At that time, I still didn't notice the difference. When I finally played with a woman with natural huge breasts, OMFG! This was what I was missing?! Fuck! You couldn't get my hands off those puppies if you tried. Wow! Those babies felt like butter melting in my hands as I fondle them gently at first. They moved like jello, obeying my hands' every command. Now, kissing and licking them was a whole new experience as well. My lips just sank in them with such a natural ease. The whole breast molded my mouth and the area around my full lips. That's when my light bulb-moment lit up. Natural tits are way better than silicon.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I'm not as old as dirt yet but I'm feeling the negative effects of aging. I worry too much these days about things I should not even waste my energy on. I worry about my actions and how they're going to affect my future. All this worrying keeps me from enjoying the moment and seeing what really matters. There's no guarantee how long I'll live or how much time I have left and yet, it's so easy to lose sight of that and get caught up in my daily trivial issues.
To be young again. To live each day one moment at a time, not caring what the future holds. To explore everything without fear or reservation. To wake up everyday, excited to see what this day has to offer. To fall, get back up, brush the dirt off my knees and conquer the world again.
I seemed to have lost my youth in the midst of all the resposibilities and consequences of my actions. I'm hoping to find it again soon before my body gives up as well.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Out of the nowhere, I had flashbacks of my lover, the one who passed away. Come to think of it, he'd be the only one I'd consider my lover and he will always have a special place in my heart. But that's the dillema right there. One moment, I feel that way then I feel like I should hate him the next. I'm not sure if that's fueled by wanting to ease the hole he left in my heart or giving myself a healthy doze of reality. I've read it in an article once that remembering only the good things about a dead person is what's called the halo effect. You tend to put them on a pedestal after they die and forget all about their imperfections. That seems to be true in my case. As wonderful as he was to me, there's no denying that he hurt me and eventually left me in the depression hole for a long time.
In memorial services, you often hear people wanting you to remember the happy times and to celebrate his life and remember when he was alive and keep him alive in your hearts. I'm doing all of these without being prompted, it happens as naturally as breathing for me. As much as I want to emerge myself in the happiness that used to be, a big part of me wants to be realistic and not lose sight of what really happened. I guess it lessens the pain to have a big chunk of reality thrown in the mix. With the memory not as perfect and as wonderful as I'd like to believe it was, him gone is not as painful and doesn't seem like that much of a loss. It always seems to be double-edged though.
You can either be very happy and start believing in things that never were or have your feet on the ground and remain true to yourself. Obviously I'm choosing the latter but sometimes, I wish I can just allow myself to live in our happy moments together but I'm too afraid, too afraid to actually believe in the fantasy I built.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Once in a while, I would take my children to the bookstore for story time. The most interesting stories are the ones the parents tell by their behavior. I don't know if the parents are more self conscious in front of other parents or that's just the way they are but this is where you see a display of different parenting styles; from ridiculous to admirable. I hope I fit in there somewhere in between.
Tonight, something bothered me particularly. Our sort of new friend brought his daughter over who's the same age as my daughter. My children goes to daycare while I'm at work but our friend's daughter is always either with her mom or dad or grandparents. She's not around other kids very often. As much as I would love to spend every waking moment with my children, I am thankful that they are learning social skills at daycare. My daughter, much like my husband is very confident and does great being around people. Mia, our friend's daughter on the other hand is very quiet and kept to herself. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I am the same way. However, you can tell how out of her element she is and this is not the first time she's been to our house and played with my daughter and son. We even went camping together. I guess unless you're her daddy, she's never going to warm up to you and believe me, I've tried. My daughter was being her usual playful, bouncy self and wanted to play with Mia when all of a sudden, she tells her daddy that Emma scratched her and pulled on her beautiful dress. My daughter was just trying to play with her. What surprised me was how her dad dealt with the situation. Instead of difusing her reaction and trying to be the grownup, he was instructing her to tell my daughter to STOP if she doesn't like what she's doing. That's ok but you don't have to yell to get the message across and this is something he should be discussing with her in private. I felt like he was indirectly reprimanding me and made me feel like a lousy mother. Just for formality purposes, I talked to my daughter in a calm voice to be gentle with Mia. Mia just acted up some more and started crying as if she was really injured.
I used to feel sorry for her for being a product of divorce and not having any kids around that's why I invited them to come over more often. Now, I don't even want her around my children. It's too much for me to handle. I know when my kids misbehave and I make sure I keep them in line but to witness someone accuse them of a lie is very painful. Part of me wanted to just say it like it is but I had to restrain myself and be the only adult in the room.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
More often than not, things go unnoticed by people. Sometimes, it can be as simple as they don’t see you doing it or it’s just not that high on their priority list. In short, you do things that may only matter to you but a good job is what it is and it deserves recognition even if you have to do it yourself.
I came to work this morning feeling overwhelmed as usual and exhausted. I felt as if I was just here and that I didn’t get much accomplished last night. Hubby went out of town again for business last night and I was stressed out to the max again. It never fails every time he tells me he has a trip coming up. Then I started retracing my night and realized I actually accomplished quite a bit. I feel a list coming on.
• I picked up the kids from daycare and introduced our babysitter who will be dropping off the kids to daycare tomorrow to the daycare owner. Both are usually hubby’s duties.
• I came home and made a simple yet sufficient dinner for everyone. I didn’t think I would have enough time or energy to do this without hubby around. I usually cook after I get home from work and he picks up the children so I have more time in the kitchen.
• I emptied the dishwasher, washed another set of dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Also something that hubby is a big part of. I can usually put my feet up after dinner and let my food digest but not last night.
• I packed my lunch instead of buying….again.
• I managed to wash two loads of laundry.
• I gave the kids a long bubble bath which they love.
• I got them ready for bed, teeth brushed and everything. My son didn’t want to cooperate in the sleeping department though. That’s part of the reason why I feel like a zombie this morning.
• And finally, after a nice warm shower with no lights but candles, I was able to put my feet up, watched a funny movie and savored a cup of mango ice cream.
So now that I look back on my list, I think I did alright. *pat, pat, pat*
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
So fast forward, we're at the door of some sex club in downtown Seattle. The greeter is this woman weighing close to 200 pounds with boobs popping out of her top. I looked to my left and I saw a bunch of people at their 40's and older and people who are tipping the weighing scale at a much higher number. I'm 28, 5'5 1/2 inches tall and weigh 118 pounds so I felt slightly uncomfortable. My husband and I found a spot on the couch next a couple who are older than my parents. Then a guy in his 60's sitting on a wheelchair extended his hand and complimented my very hot shoes. Yeah right. My husband talked me into wearing a halter dress that stopped mid thigh. I was showing a lot of skin. Being around all those older people sure made me feel naked... in a bad way.
We all went upstairs for an orientation. The setup was quite nice and cozy IF they were all hot young people. There were several beds right next to each other separated only by see-through fabric. There were outlets for your toys if you needed them. Talk about toys, I was introduced to my very first Symbian. I didn't know what it is so the Symbian master gave me a little demo. Supposedly, this is the God of all dildos. Even if you don't respond well to vibrators, this is guaranteed to leave an impression on you. It looked powerful and it scared me. haha! Ok, not scared, nervous fits better. Why? It could malfunction or it will send me to orbit and back and having sex with a real penis will never cut it for me anymore.
So the promise of an orgy remained a promise. My husband and I had an agreement that we will never take one for the team ever again. We both did and some point in the past and we realized it's not worth it. So after the orientation, we politely left. There were a lot of disappointed looks casted our way but we had to save our sanity. Maybe next time I will have a real orgy story to tell you. For now, that's all folks.
Friday, June 26, 2009
So humor me and let's pretend I have the capability. What would Mr. Perfect, man of my dreams be like? :) For starters, let's assemble the way he would look. He is 6'4" tall white, Brasillian or Latin man. He's not too muscular but he is lean. He has dark hair paired with long lashes and the most piercing blue eyes you have ever seen. He has a masculine face but has softness in it's feature. I prefer a clean shaven face but if he can pull off a little scruff then that's fine by me. He has no piercings nor tattoos, just naked as the day he was born. When he smiles, you can hear the angels singing in the background in celebration of his beautiful, straight white teeth. He has very strong shoulders and arms, the kind that enables him to pick me up and bring me to ecstacy up against a wall. I like big, manly hands as well to better hold mine when we're walking or to explore every inch of my body with. His legs are just as strong as the rest of him so can he support me better when we're having crazy sex. Last but not least of course is his man meat. I'd like it to be above average in size and length please. No horses please, I wouldn't know where to stick it if it's too big. I don't want to suffocate either when I'm enjoying it in my mouth. Afterall, skills has a lot more to offer than size. Trust me, I know.
Now that we got that part out of the way, let's complete the rest of my man. He brings me flowers just because he feels so lucky to be with me. Ok, this part might be farther from the truth than the physical portion of my dream man but just bear with me. He loves the same music I do. We never have to argue which station to listen to. He lives to make me happy and please me and never gets tired of doing so. He has a life of his own but never loses sight of where I fit in it. I never feel neglected or last on his list. He would cancel anything to accommodate my needs. Man! I am asking for a lot here. :) He has such a calming and soothing voice that I can listen to him talk forever. He enjoys talking about anything under the sun and is genuinely interested in what I have to say. He likes to hold me whenever he can. He's very affectionate in a romantic kind of way but can also be my naughty boy when I need him to be. He opens doors for me and treats me with respect for the most part except when he teases me once in a while. He has a sense of humor for sure and he makes me laugh until my tummy hurts. He can cook and he takes care of me. He gives me foot rubs and massages on demand and does so gladly. Touching me and making me smile is enough reward for him. Dang! where can I find this man? He also is a family man and loves my kids. He's a little boy in a grown man's body. Mr. Perfect is a very good provider, we never have to worry about our finances. Here it is ladies, his bedroom power. Mr. Perfect can love you long time. :) He's a sex machine. He's very intuitive with your body language. You don't need to give him directions, he just knows which buttons to push to bring you to cloud 9. He kisses oh so gently one moment and kisses with passion the next. His lips doesn't leave any part of you undiscovered. He can be so sweet and so gentle but can also yank your hair, spank your ass and fuck you from behind when you want him to. *sigh*
Well, there you have it, a little glimpse of my dream man. I'd be very surprised if there's a man out there who fit the profile from start to finish. All I know is I have a man at home and he may not be perfect but he loves me. He may not love me exactly the way I want him to but he is loving me the best way he knows how. Like the saying goes, "It's not about having what you want but wanting what you have".
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Recently, Jon and Kate’s faces have been on tabloid and magazine covers. When I’m doing my grocery shopping, I see those as I wait in line for the cashier. I’m not really up to speed with what’s going on between them, I just skim through the headlines. There was the issue where they both denied the divorce and the affairs. Then next thing I hear, they are in the process of a divorce. What?! I thought they said…
The reason I care at all about this is I share something in common with them. I have children too. The mention of the word divorce somehow always makes me sad inside even if I don’t know the people involved. Weird thing is that I’m not against it either. I completely understand why some people resort to it. It’s especially true when the relationship they’re in becomes toxic. I don’t believe that the vow you took in marriage includes being abused. “For better or for worse,” sure, but that’s with the understanding that it’s not your significant other making things worse for you. So yes, I understand divorce.
Understanding alone doesn’t necessarily protect me from feeling bad nonetheless. I would try everything in my power to keep my marriage intact for the sake of my children. I’m not one to promote loveless marriage either but the children are one of my incentives in making it work. My husband is a product of a divorce and even if he was only two when it happened, he has a very low opinion on the matter. You’d think that because he was too young to remember life before the divorce that he wouldn’t know the difference but you’d be wrong. He had to go through all the horror of his mom’s boyfriends, then stepmothers and stepdads. Both his parents tried the marriage thing 5 times each but none of them worked. I know, it’s sad. I’m sure it’s no picnic for his parents either but my husband suffered through all the shuffling back and forth between his parents and then grandparents. Now, imagine eight kids having to go through this. You get the picture.
Now, I know that there are always two sides of everything. There are people out there who are lucky not to feel what my husband feels. I know someone who’s quite happy with being shuffled back and forth. He currently has a great relationship with both his parents and that’s all he ever knew. He was too young to remember what it was like to have them both under the same roof. I just hope that I never have to find out which side my kids will fall under.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
When you say Hello Kitty, I think of innocent years. A time when I had no worries in the world and all I'm concerned with is playing, eating and sleeping. Yes, childhood. So the concept of our subject here is much like...I can't event think of anything to compare it to. It's disturbing to say the least that someone enjoys shoving that thing in their vajayjay and actually get satisfaction out of it. I can picture a cucumber or a banana in place of a vibrator but not something that reminds me of my carefree days.
Diversity manifests itself in so many ways, one of which is what people consider erotic. I wonder if that much diversity really does make the world go around. I don't judge, it's just not for me.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
So here's the question for today. Which one is better, somebody's presence or somebody's absence? We are of course talking about it in relation to missing someone. For weeks, I lost count, this man hasn't kept in touch with me. He didn't even give me a pity-text. Nada, zip! I finally talked myself into believing that he has moved on and is now in a better place, a place where I'm not needed. Once in a while, I would still think about him and miss him but I was doing better everyday.
Then one day, out of the blue, I get a text message from him. He sounded like he just picked up where we left off. So casually, so matter-of-factly. I'll admit, my heart felt like it was going to burst with the overwhelming happiness the message brought me. I was immediately thinking happy thoughts, thoughts of seeing him again very soon. Then the torturous cycle began again. I'd wait for his messages and when he doesn't reply, it feels like a little pinch in my heart. Then I started wondering why he hasn't asked me out yet and assume that he's made plans with other girls. The torture grows. Until of course I catch myself doing so and mentally smack myself upside the head.
So I'm left wondering if his absence is better than his half-ass presence.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
What happened this afternoon is a picture of the other edge. My husband had mentioned how he wished our house was in a more orderly fashion. We had visited his bachelor friend who kept his house immaculate. Not only does he have someone come in and clean his house for him, he doesn't have children either. He's also very deligent when it comes to picking up after himself. How can one compete with that? I used to keep our house as clean and organized as I can but I just didn't have the time nor energy to keep it up anymore. It was either that or my sanity and I chose the latter. Now, it's not so ordelry but it's not disgusting either. I adapted to the saying, "If you can't beat them, join them."
I never thought an immaculate house meant that much to my husband because I pick up after him most of the time. Clutter never seemed to bother him in the past. It would bug me first before it ever gets in his nerves. Whatever the real reason for his sudden change of heart is not the topic today. It's how I foolishly thought I can make him happy by doing something about the clutter. Provided, I didn't get the whole house done but I got a good chunk of it done. Enough for him to notice and appreciate. Unfortunately, the reaction I got was not the one I anticipated. It didn't make that much difference and for that I was sad and disappointed. It was then that I realized I did it for the wrong reason. I've been meaning to clean the house anyway but I should have done it for me, in my own pace and for my own satisfaction and not his. The trouble with doing it for someone else is that you leave your heart open for crushing. If you're doing it for you, you'd be happy with the result no matter how small it is.
This doesn't just apply to this one aspect of life. This applies to almost everything. It could be writing, cooking or whatever the case maybe. I used to run into the same problem with cooking. I thought for a long time that cooking was just not for me because the people I was trying to impress weren't happy with it. When I started cooking for myself, I was a more forgiving critic and I learned from my mistakes instead of run away from them. What I'm hoping you take away from this is that it's better to always start with yourself. If you're happy with your creation then it won't matter much what others have to say. Oddly enough, it's much like the art of loving. You have to love yourself first before you can love others.