Hurting

They say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I'd like to believe that but why do I still hurt just as badly as if it's my first pain? My heart's been broken way too many times and you'd think that by now I would be used to it or at least build tolerance and not hurt as much but no such luck.

True, I've survived the past heartaches. I've even taught my heart to trust again, to let someone in again. I can even look back at those past relationships and appreciate them for the happy times it brought me.

It's the mourning I hate. I wish it goes by faster. I hope I recover quicker and be my bouncy self again in no time. I'm helpless, captive of waiting for relief. I can't look at the positive things, only the loss and the thought of never having the good things ever again because it's over. It almost feels like the only reason I open my heart is to let it get trampled on again. "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", comes into mind but is it really worth it? Right now, all I feel is the pain. It's so overwhelming that it towers over the happiness I had.

Silver lining:
The sadness and pain eventually goes away and I'm left with the happy memories that I can revisit anytime. Meeting and knowing the person does change me for the better. I may not be stronger for it but I am wiser from the experience. On second thought, perhaps I'm stronger because I open my heart again even after being hurt so badly. Afterall, picking yourself up from the ground after you've been knocked down does require strength.

Ms. Hopeless Strikes Again

Here's another episode of me in all my hopeless glory. I was at the gym, later than usual, trying to just get it over with so I could go home and watch a movie when Mr. Perfect appeared underneath his hood. I couldn't see his face very well at first but I had my x-Ray vision on and I could see right through his clothes and oh my, what a view. Ok, he is a total eye candy with his well sculptured chest and butt. I'm sure the abs are no exception. *insert dreamy sigh here*

So what happened you wonder? I was mentally hitting myself on the head once more. My immediate reaction after drooling over him was total shyness and the urge to disappear. I moved away from him so that he was no longer in my line of sight to allow me to concentrate back on what I was there to do. Next thing I know, Mr. Perfect moved right across from me and glanced my way quite a bit. What did I do? Looked away and looked down and pretended he wasn't rocking my world just by looking hot. Maybe somehow I hoped that when I don't show interest, the guy would be challenged and would want to pursue me but then again I don't think it ever worked for me that way. What can I say...I'm hopeless. I moved again to be away from him and once again, he moved with me. It could be coincidence, I realize that but I could also have done something else other than running away. I could have smiled maybe when our eyes met but you know that's not possible when I think someone is hot. I just melt and my brain goes along with it. I got so uncomfortable that I finally left the building and kept mentally beating myself. Oh, what I would give to get a taste of that. YUM!