Tuesday, April 28, 2009

It's a New Day

Yup, I managed to crawl out of that dark hole once again. I can't help but think I have angels watching over me.

So with all the chaos and roller coaster of emotions I went through last night, this is what I got out of it. Other people would say this is a way God has spoken to me or answered my prayers in times of need.

See a need, fill a need. Funny how I got that from the animated film, Robots. Instead of an invention though, I'm doing solutions. So if I have a problem with something, I look at it as a development need then I jot down my goal followed by actions numbered one to three. I started a notebook just for that. Hopefully, I would keep going with it and not forget or get too lazy. So far, I'm seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel. :-)

Of course my ultimate solution which I always forget is when all else fails, PRAY. When I was younger and life seemed so much easier, that always did the trick. There's no reason why I shouldn't give it a try now.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Depression is Ugly

I should know, I'm in that hole again tonight. Started with by 4 1/2 yo. daughter not listening to me. I seem to be losing control over her the same way I am with the rest of my life. I feel worthless. There was a time when I thought I was a real good mother but not anymore. I feel bad that I'm too distracted with everything around me that I slowly drifted away from my kids. I blame myself for how stubborn she is. I failed her. I'm not there when she wants to talk about her day or her feelings. The very thing I complain my husband doesn't give me, I'm doing to my children.

I'm suicidal once again. I just dont see any point into all of these anymore. Why am I even alive? I feel like a big waste of oxygen and space and I'm sure I'm a burden to my husband and people who care about me; friends and my parents. My therapist told me I shouldn't rob my kids off of their mother but if I'm gonna be a lousy one, what's the point? Maybe I can balance things out when their father becomes too strict? Even that is losing it's appeal because I felt so helpless when there was nothing I can do to stop him when he loses his cool with the children.

I was driving tonight and speeding up and crashing into something really seemed very appealing. I was sad I reached that point again. I felt bad for feeling so selfish. Seconds later, a car nearly hit me and I wished that it did. Immediately after that, I can picture me in a hospital hurt but m husband is as busy and as disconnected as ever. I realized i only wished that to happen for attention but that I would only get myself in a worse situation because I would be in the hospital bed, eating crappy food, unable to move and enjoy my kids and things I like doing.

Back to the drawing board of wondering what's the point to all this?

False Sense

Lenses, camera lenses are used to achieve different effects. I remember seeing a postcard of Seattle and thinking what a magical place it must be. First time I laid eyes on the city, I thought it didn't look as nice as it did on the postcard. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful place. The point is that the lenses made it look better.

Same thing with women and makeup. I have to admit that makeup enhances a face. However, I often wonder what those hot actresses/actors really look like without makeup.

Last but not least, body shapers. I was switching channels on TV when I came across "Slim and Lift". I would have bought one if I had plenty of money at the moment. So these regular women have their flabs and rolls hanging out and as soon as they slipped into one of those body shapers, they're instantly 3 dress sizes down.

So, I know the end result "looks" good but we all know that's not what it really is. So I'm kind of confused. It's like we are lying to ourselves. Turning the other way when we all know what the truth really is and we actually prefer it this way?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Taking Pictures

I'm the kind of person who loves photography but thinks that it gets in the way of enjoying the the event you're attending. You have to stop what you're doing to either smile to the camera or stop to take the picture yourself. This weekend though, I had an epiphany while walking in the famous Pike Place Market.

My husband and I like taking the kids to the market once in a while. It's fresh air, sun if we're lucky and some good food. With my renewed love for photography, I was inspired to take more pictures this time than usual. At the end of our little outing, I realized something. Taking pictures not only serves as a means for a reminder of that moment in time, its also forces you to look at the good things in life, the brighter side if you will. There were a lot of things that I would normally have taken for granted or ignored but I saw their beauty and potential through my camera lens.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Hearing Things

It's 8:30 at night, kids are in bed and hubby is out of the house for the night. Complete peace and quiet except the tapping sound of my keyboard. I'm paying bills, concentrating, trying not to make a mistake with my hard earned money.

Then I hear something... I stopped typing. This time, I listened more closely, maximizing my hearing volume. It seems like someone's whispering in an eery kind of way. The sound reminded me of something scary that you'd hear from a horror film. I tried to let the adult part of my mind tower over the scared little child me. I have never liked horror films and vowed never to watch them again after I saw "What Lies Beneath". I listen one more time hoping I was just hearing things. I tried to convince myself it was only the humming of the computer.

I still hear it and this time, it's clear that the child in me is right-- it is someone whispering but who? I turn around to look for that sound and standing behind the ajar door is none other than my 22 months old boy. He was whispering because he knows he's supposed to be in bed and he's not. What a brat! Scared the holy crap out of me.

Easter Egg Hunt Corruption

I know this is a little late but I just now found the time to do it. I took my kids to their first Easter Egg Hunt. My daughter is 4 1/2 and my son is 22 months old. That's the problem with expectations, when they're not met, it bites. I had visions of kids grouped by age, happily looking around for eggs.

What happened next broke my heart a little especially when I saw my daughter's disappointed litte face. Someone announced "GO" and toddlers to teens (some even older) had a mad dash to find the eggs. My little guy had no clue what was happening around him so I guided him and pointed at the eggs to put in his basket. My mom was guiding my daughter. Needless to say, my kids barely got any eggs with all the huge kids competition. I also saw one of the moderators secretly handing a "golden egg" to one of the kids which I later found out was his grandson.

It probably wouldn't hit me as hard if I didn't see my daughter's sad face. It's hard to swallow when at an event such as this, you'll see what the world is really like. The people who follow rules and choose to be good are the ones who lose. I'm sure there are a billion ways to look at this situation but this is the one that made an impression on me. I know that the world is filled with corrupt people in power but I was really hoping it didn't start so early and was hoping to shield the children as long as possible.

It wouldn't be fair if I don't at least present one other way of looking at this. Ok, so my kids didn't get the most eggs which will be equal to money or any material prizes in the real world. What they did get is something more important. They learned what's it's like to lose, to deal with that unpleasant feeling, to realize that they have a family who loves them, who tried to make them feel better. Material possesions including money will come and go but values, intergrity, people who love you and lessons learned are ingrained in you forever. That will help them be better equipped to deal with the real world. Instilling good principles will make them better people and God knows we need more of that today.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Whine, whine, whine...

Lucky me, I had the day off yesterday. It happened to be a lovely sunny day. I had two choices; stay home, bum around and watch TV or go outside and "play" with a boy toy.

One of my boy toys happened to be free so I spent four hours with him “under the sheets”. It was a wonderful way to spend four hours. The only thing that could have made it better was if I also got the benefit of a sunny day instead of being inside the room the whole time. This is where the whining comes in.

Every time I have a day off this year and last year, it’s more often than not, spent catching up on house chores and checking off that never ending to-do list. I always feel cheated. I should be doing something fun, I tell myself and my husband. So once in a while I would indulge in a few hours of watching crap on TV and just laying on my couch like I have no worries at all. It does the trick until it’s time to face the dishes piling up in the sink. Then I feel like I’ve wasted precious time.

Same thing happened yesterday. I thought I would be happy treating myself to something pleasurable on my day off. It only left me feeling unproductive. I also felt like I missed out on a nice sunny day that we rarely have in Seattle. The house is cluttered once again and still is and I will have to deal with it after work today while making dinner, giving the kids their baths, doing laundry, changing the sheets and going to the gym. *sigh*

So, I’m not happy when I’m doing chores all day but I’m also not happy just pampering myself all day. I guess obtaining balance would be the key. God, I hope so! Otherwise, I’m all out of ideas.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Could I Be Free?

I'm married to man much older than I am. When we met, I was just figuring out my life while he already has one. I tried to fit in but could never quite do so. He's a very busy responsible man and I was very lonely because of it. I, having lived a very sheltered life, my beloved husband understood my need for self discovery and was very supportive. Going to clubs to dance had a way of curing my homesickness even for just a little bit. It also gave me a glimpse of the old me who was forced to change. Then one night, an attractive guy danced with me and I all of a sudden felt beautiful. It was empowering to be seen, noticed and wanted. I quickly got addicted to the attention I was no longer getting at home. It became the reason why I went dancing from then on. There was no way I could have foreseen what was going to happen next. I let a guy kiss me and the rest was history. For most, this might be a "duh!" moment but not for the I-got-it-under-control-me. I was everything but in control. I fell in love and if you were paying attention at the beginning of my story, I'm married with kids! Could it be any worse? Apparently it could. He's married and a daddy. The wife found out and we couldn't see each other anymore.

We met on Sept 2006 and until today, I thought I still wasn't over him and never will be. When he said goodbye for the last time, my reason for dancing changed again. This time, it was the only thing I had left of him. I tried joining the swinger community in the hopes of forgetting the pain. Swinging also made me honest to my husband who later found out and forgave me. I know, I'm so lucky to have a man like him. Becoming swingers brought us closer together if you can believe that. My husband and I began spending more time together. I felt closer to him. So I went from dancing to swinging to get over my second love. I would meet guys as fast as I can to try and fill that void he left. No one can seem to do the job.

Then I met a man who was not only a "boytoy" but also became a friend. Another unexpected twist. I'm not inlove with him by any means. I made sure of that this time around. I slowly noticed not really having the desire to meet new swingers anymore. I was content. No desire to go clubbing either. Could I finally be free?

My lover died in a car accident. It will be one year next month.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Weekend Loser

There was a point in my life, not too long ago when there just wasn't enough of me to go around. Too little time was what I always said. I was meeting new people left and right and squeezing everything in. I was living every second. Then the novelty of it all wore off and I became lazy or maybe just content with my present situation at that time. Next thing I know, I started feeling down as the weekend approaches. Panic! Scrambling to find something to do and someone to hang out with. I know... pathetic. A few weekends past uneventful.

I realized what was really buggin' me was not the fact that I was all alone on the weekend. It was the thought that my only free time away from work a.k.a "jail" has past me by with nothing to show for it. Monday is here all too quickly and I didn't do anything on Friday or Saturday. As if life itself only happens on weekends because the rest of the time is spent at work and with responsibilities at home. I felt cheated every time it went by quietly. *sigh

You must think I should do something about it, right? I guess that's where I'm stuck. I feel like those moments are so precious that I should spend it wisely doing worthwhile activities with worthy people. I have a few of those..people I mean but the ones I really want to spend it with have gotten busy with their own lives and the ones who are free are just a waste of time and I refuse to waste any more of it.

I should be happy not doing anything then if I can't find the right people to do it with but I get upset when my husband goes out with his friends and I'm stuck at home. I sound like I'm just whining but it's been bothering me for weeks now.