Monday, August 3, 2009

My Heart Broke Tonight

It's not for the reason you might think. It's not another guy who broke my heart. This time, it's my four and a half year old daughter. Lately, she's been very stubborn and I just assumed that was part of the terrible two that goes on for years. You parents, know what I'm talking about. My husband is the disciplinarian of the house and I'm the pushover. I am usually very patient unless I'm exhausted or in some sort of physical pain. I happened to be both tonight so I had zero patience. Recently, it seemed like she's just getting into one trouble after another. She ignores me when I ask her to do something, this is a big one. She takes her brother's teddy bear just to torment him and make him cry.

Tonight, I realized just how serious the situation is. There I was, giving my usual lecture, discussing consequences with her and she had this smile on her face and twinkle in her eyes. I asked her to repeat what I said because she was very good with the "yes mommy" part when I asked her if I made myself clear. To my surprise, almost everything I said went in one ear and out the other. That just made me furious! I wasted my breath. I didn't know what to do with her anymore. She only remembers bits and pieces and not the good ones either. She doesn't remember what she did wrong or she blocked that out. She knows the consequence though but it doesn't really make any difference to her because she'll just get into trouble again the next chance she gets.

I sent her to her room and my husband talked to her. This is the part that broke my heart. She said she is going to space to find a family that loves her. My heart is broken because I felt like I failed her and I failed as a mother. I love her with all my heart and yet she only remembered the scolding part. She thinks that just because I'm so upset that I don't want her anymore. Tough love worked on me when I was a child because I was aware of what I did wrong. It's not working with her because she shuts out the part where she was actually being stubborn. No cause and effect, just effect for her. I also am completely helpless as to how to deal with her.

I was crying to my husband out of frustration and guilt. We should be our daughter's support system. I realized we let life get in the way with making sure she felt loved. I'm guilty for always being busy. I need to revisit my priorities. I've been too consumed with chores, work, going to the gym, my marriage, swinging, my parents, daydreaming about vacation, my cat's flea problems, making dinner and a gazillion other things that my kids went on the wayside. I feel horrible about that. I felt like I don't deserve to have such two beautiful children. They should be my first priority. After all, none of the other things really matter if I lose my children due to my own negligence.

I feel so awful that she felt we don't love her and I want to make this right. So hubby and I devised a plan. We will spend more time with the kids especially my daughter who feels like my son is taking over her world. We will go buy games the whole family can play this week. We will enroll them in swimming lessons this Sunday. We will go to the zoo and watch Ice Age very soon. We will have one on one time with her just so she can talk her heart out.

I went to her room but she was already asleep. I kissed her cheek, brushed her hair off her face and covered her up with her blanky.

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