Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Current Emotional State

This song by Shania Twain describes it pretty well.

Hope life's been good to you
Since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad

I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain--I'm free again

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget
It only hurts when I breathe

Mmm, no, I've never looked back--as a matter fact
Miss youImage by amy.sept via Flickr

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe

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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

To La La Land and Back

To say that the past three years has been crazy is an understatement. Who knew that so much chaos can be packed in such a short time. Three years in the grand scheme of things is a short time but for the main character in that crazy world, it's too long. A long time to have your head up a place where the sun never shines. There were plenty of times I saw the light at the end of the tunnel or in my case, that place where the sun don't shine. I think I'm finally out, I've finally pulled my head out!

It's hard to say when the craziness began. Does anyone ever really know the answer to this? For story purposes, let's say it started with my little affair that later turned out to be a big nightmare. By nightmare I mean rejection, hurt feelings and finally the prize- depression. I didn't go out looking for trouble but it found me anyway and it wouldn't let me hide again. There were a lot of desperate nights of trying to drown the sadness and the loss by clubbing and drinking. The trip to La La Land began. With nobody to confide in, I was forced to move forward the best way I knew how which wasn't much and only led me deeper and deeper into trouble. I tried to keep my head above water for the most part but not knowing how to swim, it's been hell.

It's funny how every time I feel I have things under control, it's only an illusion. I play with fire thinking I have it far enough not to burn me but I'm always wrong. So I saw a therapist and took antidepressants in the hopes of curing my depression. Did it work? The medication numbed me for a year until I decided it was time to remove the crutches. The therapist didn't really help much. What I needed was a friend I could talk to about my troubles but who in their right mind would listen endlessly about how I screwed up big time? I quit the meds and the therapist and tried to find comfort in more trouble. This time, I was looking for a replacement for the man who saw me, made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted and made me feel alive. The same one who dumped me in the end. The same one who shoved me to the hole I'm in. Lost and lonely puppy, that was me in a nutshell.

I became a swinger in an attempt to feel whole again. It has done more good than harm to my marriage but it sure has done a lot of damage to me. There was an easy access to more men who will eventually break my heart. And damn this heart, it never learns. Just kept plowing through. I can only put my head up there so much before enough is enough.

I've always been known to do extremes, it's hard to be in the middle. When I first became a mother, I would spend every minute of my time with my baby. It became difficult for me to be away from my daughter even for a few minutes. So I read in baby books that I need to have some me-time and to not feel guilty about taking care of myself because when I'm recharged, I come back a better mother. In the attempt to be a better mother, I became a bad one. I got too good at doing things for myself. I couldn't get enough of me-time. Life eventually became an endless juggle for me. It was more work than fun. When I became depressed, I didn't enjoy being around my children as much as I used to. I lost sight of what really matters to me in this life.

Then I lost my job. Without much time to react and put things in perspective, I was forced to figure out the next step which happened to be going back to school. Then again, forced to start job hunting which has been driving me insane. Then a friend of mine died. One day later, I was suicidal. One week later, I got dumped by my then boyfriend who has kept me pretty happy for six months. Full on depression once again.

This afternoon, a higher power brought me relief. He provided a ride back home from my three year long journey to La La Land. He provided a friend from TX whom I met through blogging. She's been there for me more than any of my friends have been. Thank you C! The higher power also reminded me I have a lot of people who truly care about me and see me for the great person that I am. A post from David was the last thing I needed to hop on to my ride home. I have a wonderful husband who's been there for me through thick and thin and it has gotten pretty thin. He loves me and he's an amazing dad. I have the cutest kids in the whole world. They are the sweetest not counting the bratty times and they deserve a mommy who can be there for them every step of the way. They are after all what really matters to me in this life.

Souvenirs from my trip:
  • Met some pretty cool people
  • Gained a friend in TX whom I will visit soon
  • Hopefully made a difference in others
  • Learned to let go and heal quicker each time
  • Realized just how great my husband is
  • Stronger and a little wiser from all the pain
  • Pointed me to my true north- my babies

Filled With Shame

A post by David filled me with shame. His friend is dying of breast cancer and she won't ever see her baby grow up. While here I am, so willing to give that opportunity up. Depressed or not, that made me feel horrible about myself. I've become people I hate. The kind of people who can have as many children as they want and they do but do not take care of them. Then you have people who would do anything to have a baby but can't. You know which group I belong to.

I honestly believed in my heart that my kids would be better off without me if the mother they'll get is depressed and messed up. I had no problem picturing them without a mother because I know my husband would be more than enough parent for them. He did tell me that he is only a good father with me around. I was willing to rob my children of their mother because of my selfish reason, because I'm too weak to handle my personal crisis. Hearing about another mother who would give anything I'm sure to be there for her baby puts me to indescribable shame.

I don't deserve my family, they're too good for me. But I've already wasted almost two weeks of my life feeling sorry for myself and trying to destroy myself so I think I'm going to do something different now. I'll try to be a better person for my family. They deserve nothing less.

It Can Only Go Up from Here... I hope

Boy toys are like antidepressants and band aids. They only temporarily make you feel better but never really cure what's ailing you.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Stuck Again

At a loss for words 
Hideous feelings all too familiar
Same dark frightening hole
Unforgiving, relentless, destructive 
When will war end?
Conquering battles no longer suffice 

Escaping this torturous hell
A mere borrowed moment 
A dream, a tale told
What now?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Before It's Too Late

Spend time with them.
Don't let too much time pass before you call them.
Show them you care.
Be there for them when they're down.
Celebrate with them when they succeed.
Mean it when you say, "we should get together soon."
Tell them you love them... before it's too late.

Too often, we let a thing called life get in the way with doing what matters most. We are either too busy, sick, overwhelmed with a full plate or just plain lazy. I'm sure guilty with all of those. Even though I know everybody has an expiration date, subconsciously, it seems we all live forever so I procrastinate more than I should. There seems to be a million days ahead of me to actually bring truth to "we should do this again", "I miss you and I want to see you soon", "I will come back and visit with you again" and general warm and loving thoughts that remain just that-- thoughts.

This morning, someone I truly care about passed away and although I'm sad that she's gone, I'm more upset that I never got to see her again after I said I would. Sure, I was sick, sure I was busy with school but I'm also sure I could have gone and seen her if I really put more effort into it. But I got swallowed whole by "life" that I forgot to pay attention to people I love and care about. Lucky me, I still have people I love left and I have another chance at spending some of my time to what matters most. So do yourselves a favor and do what I didn't, before it's too late.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I'm Choosing My Adventure

And They Lived Happily Ever After...
Photo by


A few days ago, I read a post by Dan about choosing your own adventure. The concept is new to me having been brought up in a foreign country. To my surprise, I chose the happy ending path. Every time a decision had to be made of what's going to happen next, I chose the positive action and ultimately got my happily ever after. I'm usually a pessimist, not by choice mind you, I just became jaded. That was confirmed when I started reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I wasn't even aware of how negative my way of thinking had become. I haven't finished the book yet but since then, I made a conscious effort of changing my way of thinking. 98% of me was surprised to have chosen the happy path but 2% always knew I believed in fairy tales even though that has faded through the years. My theory of fairy tales will be for another day.

So today, I caught myself being tempted to take the negative path of life. I have been under the weather for a few days now due to cold and allergies so I'm feeling really unmotivated. My situation however is not allowing any of that. I have one more class to go until I finish my program then the real work begins with job hunting, which I'm kind of dreading. I attended a career search strategy seminar last week. I'm excited to get started but there is a lot of work involved. I need my good health back real soon. So, this morning, I started telling myself that I should just skip all the work I plan on doing today because I'm sick. Then out of nowhere, I asked myself which path I should take next as if my life is a story I read in Dan's post. Should I take the easy but unproductive way or should I choose to push on and do what I can because eventually I will get my happy ending? When I put it that way, it changed my attitude altogether. It didn't seem like such a stretch anymore to sit in front of my computer and start chippin' away at my project.

This might come naturally to others but I'm still getting to know myself and constantly learning. I was brought up in a very protective environment. My mom made all the decisions for me and did everything for me. It worked fine until I had to stand on my own two feet. It was a rude awakening. I don't blame her. She did the best she could and took really good care of me. I just have to make sure and remember to let my children learn to choose their own adventures with me as a guide but not the director.

From  now on, I will ask that question when I'm at the crossroads of life, "Which path are you going to choose?" How about you, what techniques do you use to keep yourself in track?
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