Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Think of Me Fondly

Out of the nowhere, I had flashbacks of my lover, the one who passed away. Come to think of it, he'd be the only one I'd consider my lover and he will always have a special place in my heart. But that's the dillema right there. One moment, I feel that way then I feel like I should hate him the next. I'm not sure if that's fueled by wanting to ease the hole he left in my heart or giving myself a healthy doze of reality. I've read it in an article once that remembering only the good things about a dead person is what's called the halo effect. You tend to put them on a pedestal after they die and forget all about their imperfections. That seems to be true in my case. As wonderful as he was to me, there's no denying that he hurt me and eventually left me in the depression hole for a long time.

In memorial services, you often hear people wanting you to remember the happy times and to celebrate his life and remember when he was alive and keep him alive in your hearts. I'm doing all of these without being prompted, it happens as naturally as breathing for me. As much as I want to emerge myself in the happiness that used to be, a big part of me wants to be realistic and not lose sight of what really happened. I guess it lessens the pain to have a big chunk of reality thrown in the mix. With the memory not as perfect and as wonderful as I'd like to believe it was, him gone is not as painful and doesn't seem like that much of a loss. It always seems to be double-edged though.

You can either be very happy and start believing in things that never were or have your feet on the ground and remain true to yourself. Obviously I'm choosing the latter but sometimes, I wish I can just allow myself to live in our happy moments together but I'm too afraid, too afraid to actually believe in the fantasy I built.

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