Friday, July 31, 2009

I Took a Bite of the Forbidden Fruit

Growing up a Catholic in the Philippines didn't leave me much choice in what to believe in. Everything was laid out in front of me and I was expected to take it all in without question or doubt. Believing in something blindly had its perks, I always felt stable. It may have been my parents that influenced that state of being but I think that a lot of it had to do with my faith in God. I believed that everything happens for a reason and He has a greater plan for me so I believed that where I am and who I'm with is meant to be. If I pray for something and not have that prayer answered, I believed it's because God has a better plan for me and He knows what's best. That was such a solid safety net to fall back on. All my challenges in life seemed easier to bear knowing that I have a bigger and stronger power always with me. I let things unfold without fear and dealt with challenges with ease.

Lately, my days have been filled with worry, fear, doubt and just complete internal chaos. A risk one takes when opening one's mind to knowledge is losing the faith that has been instilled in her. I now am open to the possibility that we create our own destiny and every choice we make affects our future and that nothing is written in stone. That way of thinking puts a lot of pressure on me instead of on a higher power. Now I have to do the best I can and not leave any stone unturned before I accept that's just how things are going to be. That mentality makes it more depressing and frustrating when I fail because now, I blame myself instead of thinking it happened for a reason. I am grateful to be exposed to other ways of thinking and learning to think for myself but I paid a very high price.

Once again, my problem can be resolved by achieving balance but exactly how I'm going to do that is the question. I'm completely torn between the two. Each has its own advantages and disadvantages. Unfortunately this time, my mother won't be holding my hand and walking me through it. I very much would like to go back to my old way of thinking which is more comforting for me but I'm always going to have this voice in my head reminding me of what I have learned. So now it comes down to choosing between being carefree, living each moment and moving forward or being completely responsible for everything that happens in my life, looking back and correcting the mistakes I made and avoiding it in the future. It's between living or worrying and stressing. It should be easy to pick a side now but I can't shake off the feeling that I'm missing an important factor to make a sound judgment. For now, I'll stay in limbo. Suggestions are welcome and needed.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Train Wreck

One thing I don't like about summmer is being exposed to some shocking scenes. I'm talking about people running around in less clothing. Some people just don't really care about what others think about them and I can benefit from being more like that, no doubt. Sometimes though, I think that everyone should have a mirror in their house and they should make sure they look decent before they go outside. Adults can tolerate the scary visuals and may heal from the trauma without complications but the poor little ones may not. The poor innocent minds, they shouldn't have to see any of that in such an early age. Let's keep them innocent for a little while longer, shall we?

So while I was waiting for my bus this afternoon in 91 degrees temperature, a woman in her fiftees or sixtees walked passed me. I immediately zoomed in on her. Her green, form-fitting halter dress that stopped just below her crotch caught my attention and half her ass cheeks peeking through. She must have weighed 160 pounds or so with hair dyed red. She looks to be high on something and I'm pretty sure it wasn't life. She could have been on medication too but who knows. Maybe even drunk, it's anyone's guess. She went straight to the trash can and started digging. She got some stuff out and one by one laid them on the ground. She had to bend down to do this and the first time she did, her rear end was facing the other way, giving the people across the street a pretty good view. The next time she bent over, her butt was facing my direction. This is the train-wreck-moment. I should have looked away but I just had to see for myself. I know it wasn't going to be pretty but I had to know the truth. Was she or was she not wearing a thong underwear? As if in slow motion, she bends over and I see white, pale ass with hair in and around the crack and no, I repeat, no underwear! Aaaaagggghhhh! My eyes!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

First Boy Toy Ever

Aahh... how can one ever forget his first. :) One night, I came to hubby who was under the weather, horny as hell. I have been checking out the naughy profiles on the site and can't help but be horny. I wanted to get some action from hubby but he just wasn't up for it, pun intented. All I know was that I have needs and I needed something hard to take care of it. Hey, here's an idea. How about finally growing balls and meeting one of these yummy guys? Hubby still wouldn't believe I'd do it. I think he was still in disbelief as I walked my cute ass out the door that night.

Here's his profile so you have an idea of who he is. Too bad I can't show you his face picture.
Gender: Man
Birthdate: October 7, 1979(29 years old)
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Marital Status: Single
Height: 6 ft 3 in / 190-193 cm
Body Type: Athletic
Smoking: I'm a non-smoker
Drinking: I'm a light/social drinker
Drugs: I don't use drugs
Education: Master's Degree
Race: Caucasian
Male Endowment: Very Long/Thick
Circumcised: No
Speaks: English

We met at dance club on a different night. I couldn't tell where he was. I thought he would be shorter because of his picture. I should have paid attention to his profile. Anyway, we finally met and he too, did not pay attention to my profile. He thought I would be blonde. Not even close. We danced for a bit and this guy can dance. That's always a plus in my book. I couldn't understand most of what he said because of his Bulgarian accent but I understood enough I guess.

When I told him I wanted to see him that night I was exceptionally horny, we met a restraurant and talked over dinner. The whole time I was thinking, "enough talking, let's get it on!". We finally went back to his place and I was nervous as hell. I didn't know what to expect and I was excited at the prospect of having sex with another man with my husband knowing about it. I unzipped his pants and out came anaconda. I was drooling over that man meat in front of me. Yum! I love giving oral sex. It makes my job more exciting when the guy's cock is huge. Oh did I have some fun licking and sucking that lollipop. After much teasing and foreplay, I couldn't wait anymore for his hard tool to take care of my urges. I thought I would see stars when he penetrated my pussy but I didn't. I chalked it up to my mind messing with me with it being the very first one. For some reason, the thought that my husband knew about it, took away the ultimate thrill. I had his blessing so it wasn't dangerous and therefore seemed like a very normal sexual encounter. Don't get me wrong, I had my fun and I always orgasm but it just wasn't as explosive as I thought. It could also be all that anticipation.

The sex might not have been all I've hoped for but I enjoyed his company. We had candles all over his room and had jazz music in the background. He's a cudddler too. What I enjoyed the most was him stroking my hair while I was nuzzled in his arms. We're good friends now and still see each other from time to time. We were toying with the idea of meeting in a dance club. I will be wearing a short skirt so I could easily lift it up when he's hard and ready then we can have sex in the club. He will most likely be sitting down while I lower myself slowly but of course the challenge will be not getting caught.

How I Became a Swinger

After four months of being a member in this swinger site, I finally decided to go for it. Before accidentally tripping over the site, I had no idea such lifestyle even existed. The pop-up ad looked intriguing enough that I decided to take a look. What harm can it possibly do, right? I saw at least a couple of really yummy looking guys. Of course at this point, all I see is their killer abs but no face. I flirted a bit, sent a wink here and a smile there but not expecting anything really. To my surprise, the yummy guys replied and were very interested. I haven't even had any pictures up yet. When they asked for pictures, I took some from my digital camera on self-timer because hubby was too busy to take sexy pictures of me. When i brought up the whole idea to hubby, his reaction was one of disbelief. He said I would never do it, not in a million years. Not his sweet, innocent, possessive and conservative wife. I said I'll show him and he just smirked.

It took me four long months to finally do anything about it. I was chicken for the most part. I thought that these guys are way too hot to want me. You have to know that I'm a mom of two little ones and my life was pretty much work and home. I've been married for 9 years then and I just didn't feel all that sexy and attractive anymore. So there was the insecurity and fear of rejection and the other factor that kept me from jumping in was the protection issue. I have never been a big fan of condoms, in fact, I hate them. I might as well use a dildo. It just doesn't feel that good for me. However, I couldn't very well just ignore the health risk of having multiple sex partners. I'm sure the few minutes of pleasure won't be worth contracting sexually transmitted disease. There was no way I was going out there unprotected, not with two young children at home who need me.

So I made peace with myself and using condom and now have a favorite brand. Trojan Supra is the best if you ask me. It's super thin and it's latex-free. I swear it doesn't feel like it's there. My eyes just roll at the back of my head during penetration. So the swinging begins.

Monday, July 20, 2009

"They're Real if You Can Touch 'Em"

That's what my beloved husband says when asked if fake large boobs are better than the real ones. I'm sure a lot of guys would agree with his mentality. Now, I want to make sure that you understand that I don't have anything against you ladies who have decided to enhance the breasts that your momma gave you. It's your body and you can do whatever it is you feel you should. I can only hope that you're doing it for you and not for someone else.

The question was directed at me as well and here's my preference. *drum roll* I will always pick the real ones any day. I have real ones and even though they're not monstrous in size, I like them this way, au naturel. It wasn't my own breasts that helped me made the decision though, it was other women's, which I had the pleasure of sampling.

The very first lady I had the pleasure of experiencing was an A cup size. Honestly, there wasn't much for me to play with but that didn't keep me from having a really good time. The rest of her was nonetheless enticing. The next girl I remember playing with had about a 36 B cup size but the girls were surgically enhanced. At that time, I still didn't notice the difference. When I finally played with a woman with natural huge breasts, OMFG! This was what I was missing?! Fuck! You couldn't get my hands off those puppies if you tried. Wow! Those babies felt like butter melting in my hands as I fondle them gently at first. They moved like jello, obeying my hands' every command. Now, kissing and licking them was a whole new experience as well. My lips just sank in them with such a natural ease. The whole breast molded my mouth and the area around my full lips. That's when my light bulb-moment lit up. Natural tits are way better than silicon.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Oh, To Be Young Again

I'm not as old as dirt yet but I'm feeling the negative effects of aging. I worry too much these days about things I should not even waste my energy on. I worry about my actions and how they're going to affect my future. All this worrying keeps me from enjoying the moment and seeing what really matters. There's no guarantee how long I'll live or how much time I have left and yet, it's so easy to lose sight of that and get caught up in my daily trivial issues.

To be young again. To live each day one moment at a time, not caring what the future holds. To explore everything without fear or reservation. To wake up everyday, excited to see what this day has to offer. To fall, get back up, brush the dirt off my knees and conquer the world again.

I seemed to have lost my youth in the midst of all the resposibilities and consequences of my actions. I'm hoping to find it again soon before my body gives up as well.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Think of Me Fondly

Out of the nowhere, I had flashbacks of my lover, the one who passed away. Come to think of it, he'd be the only one I'd consider my lover and he will always have a special place in my heart. But that's the dillema right there. One moment, I feel that way then I feel like I should hate him the next. I'm not sure if that's fueled by wanting to ease the hole he left in my heart or giving myself a healthy doze of reality. I've read it in an article once that remembering only the good things about a dead person is what's called the halo effect. You tend to put them on a pedestal after they die and forget all about their imperfections. That seems to be true in my case. As wonderful as he was to me, there's no denying that he hurt me and eventually left me in the depression hole for a long time.

In memorial services, you often hear people wanting you to remember the happy times and to celebrate his life and remember when he was alive and keep him alive in your hearts. I'm doing all of these without being prompted, it happens as naturally as breathing for me. As much as I want to emerge myself in the happiness that used to be, a big part of me wants to be realistic and not lose sight of what really happened. I guess it lessens the pain to have a big chunk of reality thrown in the mix. With the memory not as perfect and as wonderful as I'd like to believe it was, him gone is not as painful and doesn't seem like that much of a loss. It always seems to be double-edged though.

You can either be very happy and start believing in things that never were or have your feet on the ground and remain true to yourself. Obviously I'm choosing the latter but sometimes, I wish I can just allow myself to live in our happy moments together but I'm too afraid, too afraid to actually believe in the fantasy I built.

Friday, July 10, 2009

What to Do

Once in a while, I would take my children to the bookstore for story time. The most interesting stories are the ones the parents tell by their behavior. I don't know if the parents are more self conscious in front of other parents or that's just the way they are but this is where you see a display of different parenting styles; from ridiculous to admirable. I hope I fit in there somewhere in between.

Tonight, something bothered me particularly. Our sort of new friend brought his daughter over who's the same age as my daughter. My children goes to daycare while I'm at work but our friend's daughter is always either with her mom or dad or grandparents. She's not around other kids very often. As much as I would love to spend every waking moment with my children, I am thankful that they are learning social skills at daycare. My daughter, much like my husband is very confident and does great being around people. Mia, our friend's daughter on the other hand is very quiet and kept to herself. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I am the same way. However, you can tell how out of her element she is and this is not the first time she's been to our house and played with my daughter and son. We even went camping together. I guess unless you're her daddy, she's never going to warm up to you and believe me, I've tried. My daughter was being her usual playful, bouncy self and wanted to play with Mia when all of a sudden, she tells her daddy that Emma scratched her and pulled on her beautiful dress. My daughter was just trying to play with her. What surprised me was how her dad dealt with the situation. Instead of difusing her reaction and trying to be the grownup, he was instructing her to tell my daughter to STOP if she doesn't like what she's doing. That's ok but you don't have to yell to get the message across and this is something he should be discussing with her in private. I felt like he was indirectly reprimanding me and made me feel like a lousy mother. Just for formality purposes, I talked to my daughter in a calm voice to be gentle with Mia. Mia just acted up some more and started crying as if she was really injured.

I used to feel sorry for her for being a product of divorce and not having any kids around that's why I invited them to come over more often. Now, I don't even want her around my children. It's too much for me to handle. I know when my kids misbehave and I make sure I keep them in line but to witness someone accuse them of a lie is very painful. Part of me wanted to just say it like it is but I had to restrain myself and be the only adult in the room.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Challenges of a Domestic Goddess

More often than not, things go unnoticed by people. Sometimes, it can be as simple as they don’t see you doing it or it’s just not that high on their priority list. In short, you do things that may only matter to you but a good job is what it is and it deserves recognition even if you have to do it yourself.

I came to work this morning feeling overwhelmed as usual and exhausted. I felt as if I was just here and that I didn’t get much accomplished last night. Hubby went out of town again for business last night and I was stressed out to the max again. It never fails every time he tells me he has a trip coming up. Then I started retracing my night and realized I actually accomplished quite a bit. I feel a list coming on.

• I picked up the kids from daycare and introduced our babysitter who will be dropping off the kids to daycare tomorrow to the daycare owner. Both are usually hubby’s duties.

• I came home and made a simple yet sufficient dinner for everyone. I didn’t think I would have enough time or energy to do this without hubby around. I usually cook after I get home from work and he picks up the children so I have more time in the kitchen.

• I emptied the dishwasher, washed another set of dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Also something that hubby is a big part of. I can usually put my feet up after dinner and let my food digest but not last night.

• I packed my lunch instead of buying….again.

• I managed to wash two loads of laundry.

• I gave the kids a long bubble bath which they love.

• I got them ready for bed, teeth brushed and everything. My son didn’t want to cooperate in the sleeping department though. That’s part of the reason why I feel like a zombie this morning.

• And finally, after a nice warm shower with no lights but candles, I was able to put my feet up, watched a funny movie and savored a cup of mango ice cream.

So now that I look back on my list, I think I did alright. *pat, pat, pat*