Growing up a Catholic in the Philippines didn't leave me much choice in what to believe in. Everything was laid out in front of me and I was expected to take it all in without question or doubt. Believing in something blindly had its perks, I always felt stable. It may have been my parents that influenced that state of being but I think that a lot of it had to do with my faith in God. I believed that everything happens for a reason and He has a greater plan for me so I believed that where I am and who I'm with is meant to be. If I pray for something and not have that prayer answered, I believed it's because God has a better plan for me and He knows what's best. That was such a solid safety net to fall back on. All my challenges in life seemed easier to bear knowing that I have a bigger and stronger power always with me. I let things unfold without fear and dealt with challenges with ease.
Lately, my days have been filled with worry, fear, doubt and just complete internal chaos. A risk one takes when opening one's mind to knowledge is losing the faith that has been instilled in her. I now am open to the possibility that we create our own destiny and every choice we make affects our future and that nothing is written in stone. That way of thinking puts a lot of pressure on me instead of on a higher power. Now I have to do the best I can and not leave any stone unturned before I accept that's just how things are going to be. That mentality makes it more depressing and frustrating when I fail because now, I blame myself instead of thinking it happened for a reason. I am grateful to be exposed to other ways of thinking and learning to think for myself but I paid a very high price.
Once again, my problem can be resolved by achieving balance but exactly how I'm going to do that is the question. I'm completely torn between the two. Each has its own advantages and disadvantages. Unfortunately this time, my mother won't be holding my hand and walking me through it. I very much would like to go back to my old way of thinking which is more comforting for me but I'm always going to have this voice in my head reminding me of what I have learned. So now it comes down to choosing between being carefree, living each moment and moving forward or being completely responsible for everything that happens in my life, looking back and correcting the mistakes I made and avoiding it in the future. It's between living or worrying and stressing. It should be easy to pick a side now but I can't shake off the feeling that I'm missing an important factor to make a sound judgment. For now, I'll stay in limbo. Suggestions are welcome and needed.
musings from somewhere over the atlantic
2 weeks ago