All this time (a year now), I've been missing this man. I think about him a lot and fantasize about being with him again.
I saw him one day. Actually, he saw me and surprisingly got my attention and talked to me. I was not only dizzy from being stuck in traffic for an hour, I was also in major disbelief that I was standing right there in front of him. I was speechless for a few moments. It was like I was in a dream, I almost had to pinch myself. He looked better than I remembered and those eyes still pull me in like the strongest magnet there is. I wanted him to take me home, to pick up where we left off, to have a lot of my questions answered but that part was to remain a dream. He even seemed hesitant when I said we should get together again soon. Like someone was listening and he didn't want that person to hear. He said we will barbeque when I got back from our vacation.
Over a month had past and I didn't wan't to reach out to him. He should have my contact info. He hasn't contacted me longer than I'd like to admit. Overtime, i felt like it was a bad idea to even still dream of him. I slowly put him away from my mind and tried to remember it for the good times and finally accept that it was over and that it had served its purpose.
Then today I got invited to his barbeque party and I went. I was very nervous all day and not sure what I was doing. I didn't know how it's going to be. I was mortified of what it could bring and a little hopeful that something good was gonna come out of it. I have to admit that I was more afraid than excited. My guts were right. There were other people there so we couldn't even really talk. I had to pretend that I didn't know him that well and that long. The worst part, there was a girl there who might have replaced me. I couldn't tell for sure but I know she's been around his place more than i have been this past year and I hate her for that. I wish she had more substance though so it would be hard to hate her. She's not in shape but has huge boobs, she doesn't seem to have an ambition and the lights are on but nobody's home kind of girl. I sound really bitter because I am. I feel rejected and betrayed. If you're gonna replace me, find someone suitable.
Then again, maybe that's exactly the kind of person he needs right now. Maybe she's better than me in other ways that works better for him. I don't even think I can be around this group anymore. I was hoping for a lot of good things to come out from this. Closure, reconnection but neither one has been fulfilled. I think I was right about deciding to let it go. It's over, I just hope my heart realizes that too. At least I got to cuddle with his body pillow which is my absolute favorite; a piece of him I got to hold for a moment. It still hurts like hell. I've been defeated and left all bruised up and bloody on the ground.
musings from somewhere over the atlantic
2 weeks ago