Here it is again, the feeling of missing someone. I really have started to hate it. Hate is a strong word I know but I don’t like the feeling of missing someone anymore. The weight it has on my chest is almost unbearable, like a baby sitting on you while you’re your back. It’s not too painful, yet it’s very uncomfortable. *sigh*
Sara Bareilles described what I’m going through concisely in a song. “And I miss you, like you were mine”. He’s not mine, yet I ache for his presence as if he is. I’m posting here anonymously so I would be able to pour my heart out without fear of anything. Yet, I feel hesitant to do so right now. I don’t want to admit that I like him that much. I might have liked him more that I should or wanted. I never realized it of course until he wasn’t so available to me anymore. I thought I had it under control. Or do I just feel this way because I feel I can’t have him anymore.
I finally spent some quality time with a new guy last Saturday and I actually had a lot of fun and he made me feel really good inside. Then what am I complaining about then, right? I wasn’t missing Bryan anymore until this morning. Until I remembered how smoothly everything went with him and how choppy it seemed with the new guy. The new guy learned quickly and found ways to finally satisfy me but it took work. With Bryan, everything was effortless. So then began the annoying feeling of missing him and aching for him.
I read an article once about how NOT to miss someone anymore. We apparently put than certain someone up on a pedestal when we miss them. We only remember the good things about them for some reason thus fueling the empty feeling of not having them around. When you think about it, they weren’t really all that perfect. My first time with Bryan didn’t go all that smoothly. He is however a very fast learner and very intuitive with my needs and how my body reacts so in no time, he had my body in complete control. He touches me and it’s instant heaven. I guess I just have to give the new guy a chance.
art journaling lately
21 hours ago