I should know, I'm in that hole again tonight. Started with by 4 1/2 yo. daughter not listening to me. I seem to be losing control over her the same way I am with the rest of my life. I feel worthless. There was a time when I thought I was a real good mother but not anymore. I feel bad that I'm too distracted with everything around me that I slowly drifted away from my kids. I blame myself for how stubborn she is. I failed her. I'm not there when she wants to talk about her day or her feelings. The very thing I complain my husband doesn't give me, I'm doing to my children.
I'm suicidal once again. I just dont see any point into all of these anymore. Why am I even alive? I feel like a big waste of oxygen and space and I'm sure I'm a burden to my husband and people who care about me; friends and my parents. My therapist told me I shouldn't rob my kids off of their mother but if I'm gonna be a lousy one, what's the point? Maybe I can balance things out when their father becomes too strict? Even that is losing it's appeal because I felt so helpless when there was nothing I can do to stop him when he loses his cool with the children.
I was driving tonight and speeding up and crashing into something really seemed very appealing. I was sad I reached that point again. I felt bad for feeling so selfish. Seconds later, a car nearly hit me and I wished that it did. Immediately after that, I can picture me in a hospital hurt but m husband is as busy and as disconnected as ever. I realized i only wished that to happen for attention but that I would only get myself in a worse situation because I would be in the hospital bed, eating crappy food, unable to move and enjoy my kids and things I like doing.
Back to the drawing board of wondering what's the point to all this?
I blog because I love to write. It's therapeutic and it's a window to a completely different world than my own. I write about what matters to me but may not necessarily matter to others but then again, it's my blog. My husband and I are swingers and I write about that as well. It’s mostly very graphic. I write in detail so you can experience my adventures as if you were there. I never knew such world existed and if you don't either or just want to know more, this is the place for you. Warning: My swinger entries are not for the weak and closed-minded. If you're one or the other or both, please click the "X" on the upper right corner of your screen and save us both the trouble. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all, is my rule.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”