Monday, April 27, 2009

Depression is Ugly

I should know, I'm in that hole again tonight. Started with by 4 1/2 yo. daughter not listening to me. I seem to be losing control over her the same way I am with the rest of my life. I feel worthless. There was a time when I thought I was a real good mother but not anymore. I feel bad that I'm too distracted with everything around me that I slowly drifted away from my kids. I blame myself for how stubborn she is. I failed her. I'm not there when she wants to talk about her day or her feelings. The very thing I complain my husband doesn't give me, I'm doing to my children.

I'm suicidal once again. I just dont see any point into all of these anymore. Why am I even alive? I feel like a big waste of oxygen and space and I'm sure I'm a burden to my husband and people who care about me; friends and my parents. My therapist told me I shouldn't rob my kids off of their mother but if I'm gonna be a lousy one, what's the point? Maybe I can balance things out when their father becomes too strict? Even that is losing it's appeal because I felt so helpless when there was nothing I can do to stop him when he loses his cool with the children.

I was driving tonight and speeding up and crashing into something really seemed very appealing. I was sad I reached that point again. I felt bad for feeling so selfish. Seconds later, a car nearly hit me and I wished that it did. Immediately after that, I can picture me in a hospital hurt but m husband is as busy and as disconnected as ever. I realized i only wished that to happen for attention but that I would only get myself in a worse situation because I would be in the hospital bed, eating crappy food, unable to move and enjoy my kids and things I like doing.

Back to the drawing board of wondering what's the point to all this?

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