Could I Be Free?

I'm married to man much older than I am. When we met, I was just figuring out my life while he already has one. I tried to fit in but could never quite do so. He's a very busy responsible man and I was very lonely because of it. I, having lived a very sheltered life, my beloved husband understood my need for self discovery and was very supportive. Going to clubs to dance had a way of curing my homesickness even for just a little bit. It also gave me a glimpse of the old me who was forced to change. Then one night, an attractive guy danced with me and I all of a sudden felt beautiful. It was empowering to be seen, noticed and wanted. I quickly got addicted to the attention I was no longer getting at home. It became the reason why I went dancing from then on. There was no way I could have foreseen what was going to happen next. I let a guy kiss me and the rest was history. For most, this might be a "duh!" moment but not for the I-got-it-under-control-me. I was everything but in control. I fell in love and if you were paying attention at the beginning of my story, I'm married with kids! Could it be any worse? Apparently it could. He's married and a daddy. The wife found out and we couldn't see each other anymore.

We met on Sept 2006 and until today, I thought I still wasn't over him and never will be. When he said goodbye for the last time, my reason for dancing changed again. This time, it was the only thing I had left of him. I tried joining the swinger community in the hopes of forgetting the pain. Swinging also made me honest to my husband who later found out and forgave me. I know, I'm so lucky to have a man like him. Becoming swingers brought us closer together if you can believe that. My husband and I began spending more time together. I felt closer to him. So I went from dancing to swinging to get over my second love. I would meet guys as fast as I can to try and fill that void he left. No one can seem to do the job.

Then I met a man who was not only a "boytoy" but also became a friend. Another unexpected twist. I'm not inlove with him by any means. I made sure of that this time around. I slowly noticed not really having the desire to meet new swingers anymore. I was content. No desire to go clubbing either. Could I finally be free?

My lover died in a car accident. It will be one year next month.