Defeated

All this time (a year now), I've been missing this man. I think about him a lot and fantasize about being with him again.

I saw him one day. Actually, he saw me and surprisingly got my attention and talked to me. I was not only dizzy from being stuck in traffic for an hour, I was also in major disbelief that I was standing right there in front of him. I was speechless for a few moments. It was like I was in a dream, I almost had to pinch myself. He looked better than I remembered and those eyes still pull me in like the strongest magnet there is. I wanted him to take me home, to pick up where we left off, to have a lot of my questions answered but that part was to remain a dream. He even seemed hesitant when I said we should get together again soon. Like someone was listening and he didn't want that person to hear. He said we will barbeque when I got back from our vacation.

Over a month had past and I didn't wan't to reach out to him. He should have my contact info. He hasn't contacted me longer than I'd like to admit. Overtime, i felt like it was a bad idea to even still dream of him. I slowly put him away from my mind and tried to remember it for the good times and finally accept that it was over and that it had served its purpose.

Then today I got invited to his barbeque party and I went. I was very nervous all day and not sure what I was doing. I didn't know how it's going to be. I was mortified of what it could bring and a little hopeful that something good was gonna come out of it. I have to admit that I was more afraid than excited. My guts were right. There were other people there so we couldn't even really talk. I had to pretend that I didn't know him that well and that long. The worst part, there was a girl there who might have replaced me. I couldn't tell for sure but I know she's been around his place more than i have been this past year and I hate her for that. I wish she had more substance though so it would be hard to hate her. She's not in shape but has huge boobs, she doesn't seem to have an ambition and the lights are on but nobody's home kind of girl. I sound really bitter because I am. I feel rejected and betrayed. If you're gonna replace me, find someone suitable.

Then again, maybe that's exactly the kind of person he needs right now. Maybe she's better than me in other ways that works better for him. I don't even think I can be around this group anymore. I was hoping for a lot of good things to come out from this. Closure, reconnection but neither one has been fulfilled. I think I was right about deciding to let it go. It's over, I just hope my heart realizes that too. At least I got to cuddle with his body pillow which is my absolute favorite; a piece of him I got to hold for a moment. It still hurts like hell. I've been defeated and left all bruised up and bloody on the ground.

Hurting

They say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I'd like to believe that but why do I still hurt just as badly as if it's my first pain? My heart's been broken way too many times and you'd think that by now I would be used to it or at least build tolerance and not hurt as much but no such luck.

True, I've survived the past heartaches. I've even taught my heart to trust again, to let someone in again. I can even look back at those past relationships and appreciate them for the happy times it brought me.

It's the mourning I hate. I wish it goes by faster. I hope I recover quicker and be my bouncy self again in no time. I'm helpless, captive of waiting for relief. I can't look at the positive things, only the loss and the thought of never having the good things ever again because it's over. It almost feels like the only reason I open my heart is to let it get trampled on again. "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", comes into mind but is it really worth it? Right now, all I feel is the pain. It's so overwhelming that it towers over the happiness I had.

Silver lining:
The sadness and pain eventually goes away and I'm left with the happy memories that I can revisit anytime. Meeting and knowing the person does change me for the better. I may not be stronger for it but I am wiser from the experience. On second thought, perhaps I'm stronger because I open my heart again even after being hurt so badly. Afterall, picking yourself up from the ground after you've been knocked down does require strength.

Ms. Hopeless Strikes Again

Here's another episode of me in all my hopeless glory. I was at the gym, later than usual, trying to just get it over with so I could go home and watch a movie when Mr. Perfect appeared underneath his hood. I couldn't see his face very well at first but I had my x-Ray vision on and I could see right through his clothes and oh my, what a view. Ok, he is a total eye candy with his well sculptured chest and butt. I'm sure the abs are no exception. *insert dreamy sigh here*

So what happened you wonder? I was mentally hitting myself on the head once more. My immediate reaction after drooling over him was total shyness and the urge to disappear. I moved away from him so that he was no longer in my line of sight to allow me to concentrate back on what I was there to do. Next thing I know, Mr. Perfect moved right across from me and glanced my way quite a bit. What did I do? Looked away and looked down and pretended he wasn't rocking my world just by looking hot. Maybe somehow I hoped that when I don't show interest, the guy would be challenged and would want to pursue me but then again I don't think it ever worked for me that way. What can I say...I'm hopeless. I moved again to be away from him and once again, he moved with me. It could be coincidence, I realize that but I could also have done something else other than running away. I could have smiled maybe when our eyes met but you know that's not possible when I think someone is hot. I just melt and my brain goes along with it. I got so uncomfortable that I finally left the building and kept mentally beating myself. Oh, what I would give to get a taste of that. YUM!

Unexpected Feelings

Part I, Newbies Update

The swinger newbies decided they were not ready for couples. They will take baby steps by starting out with a single girl to add to the mix. The husband was surprised at the way he felt when he saw his wife kissing my husband. It bothered him a lot. Although us kissing helped quite a bit, it didn't help enough to get him over the hump. In retrospect, I'm glad it happened that night and not in the bedroom. One experience of the other man not being able to perform because he was too jealous is enough to last me a lifetime. I don't need an encore. The wife tried to talk me into fooling around with her alone. She apparently is very attracted to me. She only repeated those words a billion times that night. She repeated it again when she was sober. I told her I'm still a newbie when it comes to girls. I don't think I can play with girls alone at this point.

Part II, Older Blonde

My hubby and I attended his friend's birthday party and there were a lot of new faces. One face belonged to a blonde in her late forties. She is attractive, no doubt. She took good care of her body. She looked really good for her age. My husband talked to her for a long time and showed a lot of interest. It normally would not bother me but it did. The weird thing is that it wouldn't have bothered me if she was the same age as I am. It's the fact that she's older and my husband was interested that bugged me. Strange.. The same feelings surface when hubby shows interest and compliments a woman whom I don't find attractive at all. If I agree with his assessment, I'm fine. I'm one insecure girl, that's no secret.

Hubby seems to think that it bothers me when he finds someone attractive whom I don't feel is better looking than I am. In this case, I'm offended he finds a lady older than me to be attractive. He thinks that I feel that the only women worthy of his admiration in front of me are women who are comparable or women who look better than me. I wish I knew why I felt this way. All I know is I don't like the feeling.

"I See Stupid People"

One of the things that irritates me is dealing with people who pretend they know what they are doing. I suppose they do this to make themselves look better. Unfortunately, I can see right through it and it just makes them look stupid and frustrates me to no end. It especially annoys me when it's my tax dollars that's putting food on their table.

I'm not talking about people with learning disability. I'm talking about people who are operating on very little knowledge on a certain subject then goes on acting like he knows more. Here's my message to people who fit the description.

If you don't know how to answer my question, don't waste my time by pretending that you do by giving me answers that are not relevant to my question. It's alright to admit you don't know the answer and simply direct me to someone who does. It saves us both time and saves you from looking like an idiot.

If any of you can relate, please share. I hope I'm not the only one who sees stupid people.

Swinger Newbies

Image via Wikipedia

It's been a while since hubby and I had a swinger meet and greet date. Weirdly enough, I was very nervous. It was understood that it was only going to be an introduction and nothing more and yet, I can hear my heart beating loudly. Newbies have that effect on me. We had bad experiences with couples who are new to the lifestyle. They either are not sure what they want from it, hesitating and wasting our time or only one is really into it and the other one doesn't have much of a choice but to tag along.

The couple we met last night passed with flying colors and set a new standard for newbies in our book. She looked ten times better than her picture. I was actually attracted to her and her husband is not only a gentleman, he's trouble in the bedroom too, I can already tell. We started talking about random rated PG things and the more drinks came our way, the more naughty the conversation became.

After four glasses of martini, she became bolder. She told me how attracted she is to me and how much she loves sex. I would have never guessed this is their first time or that we're the first couple they have met. My husband was going on the same road she was on. Next thing you know, we're playing musical chairs. Her husband, as sweet as he is was clearly nervous. Unfortunately for us, neither one knows how to flirt while across the table, my husband and his wife we're going at it.

We tried to get comfortable through idle chitchat. I found out they thought kissing is too intimate for them and was supposed to only be for them. He didn't notice that his wife was already French kissing my husband. The poor thing, I can't imagine what must be going through his head at that moment. I was relieved to know that the no-kissing-rule was her idea and that she initiated the kiss with my husband. For the first time ever, I think I might have kissed a guy first. Our faces were only inches away from each other anyway so we can hear ourselves over the loud live music. I can tell he wanted to kiss me but hesitated. I went for it and it was great. We definitely have chemistry.

By now, our significant others are on the dance floor, mauling each other sexually. He still had disbelief on his face which was always relieved every time we kissed again. We joined them at the dance floor and kissed each other some more. He was grabbing my hair and caressing my body. I just wish I had more to drink and was not the designated driver because I was way too sober for what we were doing in public. I was too aware of the confused look our waitress gave us.

She wanted to sleep with us last night as indicated by my husband this morning. I know they needed to go home and talk about it first. I didn't want to rush them and didn't think she was able to think straight after all the drinks she had. We'll see where it goes. They're either enlightened or traumatized from last night. Hubby and I had a good time. Hubby is still smiling and I wish I was able to do more.

Filled

The rising sun 
brought hope back to life 
First a flicker
now a burning light  
Only a seed
Unlike the others 
full potential is reached

A void no more 
where one used to live 
Joy is the new resident 
My being quickly populated

But one resides uninvited 
Fear
Of falling, of slipping 
Of being empty once again 
 

 
 

I Hope She's Right

I waited for my name to be called at the Vital Statistics Office. My eyes are closed, I was deep in thought whether I parked at the right area, at the right time just to save a few dollars and risked getting towed, wishing I had just paid $10 and not worry about a thing. When I opened my eyes, I saw an old lady who looks to be in her seventies. Her brown and wrinkly skin paired with her tired eyes tells me that she has lived quite a hard life. She has a grocery plastic bag with at least four prescription medicine bottles inside. She looked determined. I closed my eyes again and tried to kick myself mentally about my parking decision.

The conversation in my head was disrupted by, "Excuse me, can you help me?" I looked up and was surprised to see the old lady. She had an accent but her English was very good. She proceeded to tell me that she needs to get a birth ceritificate for her godfather but she can't write. She gave me the information and her I.D. She was very grateful for my help and thanked me over and over.

Just before I left, I wished her luck because she didn't have all the information for the form. She got up from her chair and shook my hand firmly and gave me a hug. The kind of hug you would give to a relative or a close friend. She thanked me again and said that my good deed will come back to me. I hope she's right. I found my car still parked where I left it. Not a bad start.

Heavy

Brick thrown into the ocean
Defenseless against gravity
Unbearable weight on my back
Solace is among the stars
Exhausted
Defeated by endless rejection
My beating heart.

My Silence

I didn’t disappear for a while there because I had some matters of the heart to sort out. That was definitely part of the struggles I had but not the major one. November, I received news that would change my life as I knew it.

Image Source

I was one of the many who finally joined the unemployed population. Our whole department was shut down and moved to another state. After working there for years, I can't say I've never wondered what life is like outside of my cube. I always had an excuse for staying where I was. When we first heard of the news, I had mixed emotions. Part of me was excited for the new opportunity I now have but scared at the same time for the unknown. There were always daydream of how much greener the other side would be but never once did it occur to me that there would be a lot of work involved in caring for that grass and making it as green as it is in my dreams. I guess the innocent side of me or rather the naïve side just thought or maybe hoped it would be handed out to me already green. Dum Dum!

Torn, that's what I am right now. Excited but lost. People I know think I have it made not having to go to work anymore. Of course these are the people who still have their jobs. Funny how time should be in abundance now that I'm unemployed but I still feel like I'm chasing it. Yes I do have more flexibility now with my time, I just have to learn how to manage it better and have a routine. I'm a creature of structure and right now, it's all chaos. I still feel like I don't have enough time to do things I truly enjoy. I haven't even played much lately.

Looking for a job is not all fun and games, in fact, it's no fun at all. While I'm doing that week after week, I'm also working on going back to school for software engineering. It always ends up to be more work that I first anticipate it to be and becoming more and more overwhelmed. My days have been filled with worry, research and headache with this whole going back to school business. I hope it's all going to be worth it in the end.

So that's why I was quiet for a while.

Missed

I always blamed my insecurity to the fact that there never seemed to be any boy I liked who reciprocated my feelings when I was younger. A few nights ago, I was unaware that my belief was all about to change.

Approximately fifteen years ago, I met a boy who was in his late teens. I fell head over heels in crush with him. I was very young and pure. I met him through a religious conference. I joined for the sake of extra points in my report card but unexpectedly found faith and him.

He must have known how I felt, after all, my friends talked and I blushed whenever he was near. He is a few years older than I am and was a leader in this religious group so the kindness he had shown me was one of an older brother's and nothing more or so I thought. Nothing ever happened.

Then last week, I found him through an online social network. He remembered me. I didn't expect that. What he revealed next was even more unexpected.

Here’s his side of the story: He wanted me badly but was forced to keep it to himself due to his role in this group. He didn't want his superiors or the nuns in my school to think he took advantage of his role. He told me I was too young for him to protect us both. He admired me from afar and wished there could be more between us but his hands were tied. He wished he had kissed me when we danced once. He told himself he would take care of me when we went on a weekend trip for a conference. I told him that I thought the reason for his distance was that I just was not good enough with all the rich, pretty girls who were drooling over him. He said I was way beyond that. When I was around, he didn’t see anyone else. It sounds corny but knowing him, it seemed very sweet and genuine. What he told me next melted my heart. One weekend, he went to my boarding house and found out I went home. I live about an hour and a half away. He went to my little town and stood at the waiting shed of the bus stop, for a chance to maybe see me. He didn't have my address, he just knows I live in that town. That right there proved to me that he had strong feelings. It’s romantic even. Of course this is all news to me. When I told him I was leaving and getting married, it broke his heart. Still, this is all news to me. I never saw him or heard from him again after that.

My heart aches for what could have been and for what he went through. He says he wished he hadn't cared about what other people thought. Now, he's married with three children about the same age as mine and he lives thousands of miles away. I felt a rush of validation and all of a sudden remembered all the other times when boys I liked actually liked me back. Funny how memory betrays you sometimes. Our reconnection was a bittersweet one. I was overjoyed to know how he felt but sad that now, it can never be. I started wondering what life would have been if I ended up with him. The answer, I wouldn't change a thing. My life may not be perfect but I love my family. I can't imagine life without my babies.

Another You

I wouldn't call myself a big John Mayer fan but I do like some of his songs. I was working away online when I heard this song and felt like he spoke from my heart so I wanted to share this with you.


I'm Gonna Find Another You

It's really over, you made your stand
You got me crying, as well as you planned
But when my loneliness is through, i'm gonna find another you

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from blue
I'm gonna find another you

When i was your lover
No one else would do
If i'm forced to find another i hope she looks like you
Yeah and she's nicer too

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now i'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do
Oh i'm gonna find another you