Change is Good

I was at the bookstore the other day. This is one of the places where I can find my center. Walk around a bit, look at the new books, listen to the relaxing music in the background for the most part and sip my latte. Walk combined with music and caffeine, I can't go wrong there.

This particular quote by Anais Nin caught my eye, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the ris k it took to blossom." How true in my case. I was very young when I first set foot in America. The immigration officer who interviewed me told my mom and I that I am very young and I am sure to change. I thought to myself that day that I will never change and I'll never forget the values instilled in me by my parents.

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Here again, I was very young, not exposed to very much and thought that what I learned from Church and the nuns who ran my school were the one and only truth. That everything else is pretty much wrong. That if you're not Catholic, you're an outcast. I had no concept of other religions and beliefs. I had the if you're not with us, you're against us mentality. Now that I know better, that was awful and it's awful that so many innocent minds still believe that wholeheartedly to this very day just like I did.

Religion aside, I thought that changing was the wrong thing to do. I thought I had to stand my ground and preserve myself no matter what it took, no matter how hard it will be. I quickly learned that if I was to survive and adapt, I would have to embrace a Japanese proverb that says, "The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists." So I started bending. It wasn't easy. Bending can give you back pain but bending was way better than breaking.

Shag, Marry, Kill

A post from Moments of Perfect Clarity made me smile. I'm in the dumps right now as far as mood is concerned so this is a big deal to read something that lightened my load a bit. It's a game called Shag - Marry - Kill. The rule of the game is to make a list of celebrities and share whether you want to shag, marry or kill them. I'd like to see your list too. :)

1. Gerard Butler - Shag and then shag some more and more and more.

2. Sean Connery - Shag in her 007 times.

3. George Clooney - Shag, you saw that one coming.

4. Jessica Alba - Shag

5. Clint Eastwood - Definitely shag then marry, when he was younger of course.

6. Matt Damon - Shag

7. Kevin Costner - Shag

8. Robert Redford - Shag, again, when he was younger.

9. Christian Bale - Shag over and over then marry.

10. Alec Baldwin - Shag, when he did Red October.

11. Hugh Jackman - Marry then shag whenever I want.

12. Richard Gere - Marry when he was young.

13. Chris Pine - Shag! that was no surprise!

14. Matthew McConaughey - Shag and then shag some more, maybe marry.

15. Charlize Theron - Shag

Ok, maybe I should have renamed the game Shag - Marry. I didn't feel like killing anyone tonight. Call me a wuss. Now, it's your turn.

Too Liberated for a Filipina

Someone just said that I'm too liberated for a Filipina and I just want to address that here a little bit to set the record straight. Hopefully, after this post, I won't read anymore comments similar to this one.

I have never been a believer of general statements. No matter what group you are trying to describe, there's always an exception to the rule. There are a lot of people who haven't had the chance to travel the world or to be exposed to situations, places and people different from their own and what they're used to. Whatever the case may be, these people are confined to the corner of the world they live in. It's not their fault and I'm not saying that to be insulting nor am I demeaning them in any way. I'm merely stating a fact and illustrating why they say what they say and why they think that way.

Having lived in Seattle for years now and meeting so many different kinds of people, I know that everyone's unique and that it's ridiculous to think you can lump them all in one category. I'm also aware that as much as these people sound like all Filipinas living in the Philippines are a certain way, they're not. Just like any other race, there are always the ones who are considered the black sheep or in my case, the ones who go against the grain.

Some adjectives used to describe a typical Filipina which I don't possess are patient, non believer of divorce and religious. I'll be first to admit I have a temper and I'm very impatient. I am working on that and know it's not a good thing. Sometimes, I justify it as having passion.

My post about divorce will give you an idea of where I stand on that subject matter.

I used to be religious but now I'm spritual. I don't believe in going to Church every Sunday because that's what you're supposed to do. I'll go if I want to but not because grandma tells me to. I believe there is a God and that He is everywhere so if I need to talk to him, I can do it wherever I am. I just don't have much faith in organized religion anymore and I have my reasons.

I'm sure that my sexual orientation and lifestyle are taking a lot of the heat from that comment. I've said it before and I'll say it again. There are a lot of Filipina women who are swingers. Then again, they live in the U.S. too. I can't speak for the ones who live in the Philippines. Bottom line is that my husband and I have been married for ten years and we have had our ups and downs. We both agreed to becoming swingers and as hard it is to believe, it is doing more good than bad in our marriage. It's an unconventional way to bring two people closer together but it has spiced things up for us. If for any reason, he feels this is not working out anymore, I'd be more than happy to stop. My family is still the most important thing for me. This whole swinging thing is just another activity for us, a hobby if you may. It's an adventure and not many couples can say that they're secure and that they're relationship is strong enough to handle such challenge. This is an experiment and so far, it's working in our favor.

I was born and spent some years in the Philippines so I still have some of the typical traits expected of a Filipina. I'm still understanding, caring, supportive, family oriented and well educated . I'm going to stop now before this starts sounding like a dating service ad. The point being is that I chose which traits to keep and which ones to change. Change is not such a bad thing. It's been intrumental in my survival in a different country.

It's clear to me that I don't belong in the Filipina category anymore according to some people who have made such comments. So I looked deep inside to figure out who I am now. Gutzon Borglum once said in How to Segregate The American Girl, "The Western girl has her nostrils filled with the free air of great open regions of her childhood. She is almost wild in her demand for freedom. She walks alone, she thinks alone, and she isn't much concerned whether you agree with her or not. She constiture herself her own chaperon." Mr. Borglum hit it right on the head. That's me now, an American girl, one part of it anyway. With America being so diversed, it's hard to say what typical really is.

When it comes right down to it, I'm an individual. It doesn't matter where I was born or what color my skin is. I'd prefer to be seen and treated as a human being and not be lumped into a particular stereotype. I made my choices and I deal with the consequences. I think for myself and I don't blindly follow what society tells me to. I'm not hurting anyone and I expect the same. I learn as I go and believe in living my life to the fullest even if it's not what others consider the norm. That's me a nutshell. If you don't like it, you can move on to the next person.

A little tip to the future readers who can't handle who I am. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Guilty Pleasures

RdGarnet has a post about her guilty pleasures and it inspired me to make a list of my own just for fun. Here we go.



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1. Boy toys, boy toys and oh, did I mention boy toys?
2. Double tall latte
3. My new bunny vibrator
4. Gossip
5. Deep fried stuff
6. Watching crap on TV
7. Spending way too much time online
8. Blowjobs *blushes*
9. Sexy shoes
10. My favorite drink beautiful
11. Buying books I don’t have time to read
12. Eating out
13. Going to the movies
14. Sending text messages while at work
15. Clubbing

First Charcoal Drawing

When I was in first grade, our math teacher gave us an assignment. We are to draw frogs jumping from one number to the other to illustrate multiplication. Why we needed to draw the stupid frogs was beyond me. I was in first grade for crying out loud. Why couldn't it have been hearts or stars or anything simpler than a frog. I am very competitive even back then. My classmate Edward S. has a talent for drawing. He had no problem making frog after frog and they look pretty close to the one on our math book. Everyone was asking him to draw frogs for them so I asked too. To my disappointment, he refused to draw me one, for God knows what reason. I cried and cried some more afraid I was going to score very low for not having a stupid frog on my sheet.

I came home that day determined to learn how to draw. I didn't stop until I finally made something that resembled a frog. I never stopped drawing until life's demands didn't leave me much time for it anymore.

I had forgotten about my love for drawing until I saw Dean's Nudes. It awoken a desire in me. It fanned the amber of my passion for creating. I had bought drawing materials a couple of months ago, not sure what I wanted to do with it. It's been collecting dust in some corner of my house.

I took it out the night hubby was out of town, after the kids have gone to bed. It was just me, the paper and the charcoal pencil and a picture for a model. I had no idea what I was gonna come up with. it's been so long, I was sure I was rusty. I started with very tense hands reflecting my current state. Gradually, my hand relaxed and so did my lines. This is the very first time I've used charcoal and had no idea how to work with it. I didn't think I could erase it so what you see is my drawing in it's original form. No backsies. When I started drawing the line along the spine, I thought I had messed it up royally because it came out very harsh and heavy. I tried to erase it with my fingers and that's how I found my technique for blending the charcoal. It's still pretty much a hit and miss tactic but I didn't quit. I just kept going until I was satisfied with it.

I later read about charcoal and learned that I can use an eraser and it should do wonders to my next attempt. Thanks for the inspiration Dean! :)