Homesick

I've been in Seattle for almost ten years now. Before I had children, my husband and I would go to the Philippines on our vacation every year. When I got pregnant with my son, we haven't been back since. I don think I will survive the 24 hours or so flight with two small children in towe. It's been four years I think.

Today is such a nice warm day for Seattle, high of 75 degrees. The kids and I were driving by a Pinoy Store. I immediately thought of the Ube (purple yam) ice cream that I misssed so much. I did a U-turn for the store almost instantly. Walking in the grocery store felt like going through the aiport itself. The atmosphere of the place felt like I was back in the Philippines. Then came the sensation of the extra warmth of a tiny place that had no air conditioning with the door open to this warm weather we're finally having. It had a strange temperature similarity with my home country. I was transported in an instant.

It was then when I realized how much I missed "home". Home in the loose sense of the word because Seattle has been my home for years now. I guess I'll forevere have a piece of my heart owned by my first home.

Come Here Fishy Fishy

When I picked up my kids from daycare this afternoon, my daughter asked if she could have a fish. I thought she was talking about the paper fish that was on the board. One of the teachers brought fish from her pond to give away because they were multiplying rapidly.

Last week, my husband and I were at Petco getting some medicine for our cat and I was drooling over the "Nemo and Dory" fish. We were in a hurry so I didn't buy them although I really wanted to. So, when this afternoon's opportunity was shoved in my face, they didn't have to twist my arm.

My kids were so happy about taking three fish home. We even took them straight to the playground with us and for a while there, the fish were more interesting than the swings and slides.

I went to the Target 15 minutes before closing time to get the fishy food. I came home and my husband fed them. They weren't eating. I looked at them closely. I have never looked at them this closely. I LOVE seafood. I LOVE fish. It's different looking at them alive, moving and gills breathing. They were looking at me. I told my husband I can't get too attached to these guys or I will completely shy away from eating fish. It's an unsettling feeling. Then I started imagining the pond they called home and looked at the pitcher we temporarily put them in for the night. Bad feelings start to wash over me. I felt bad that they're taken away from their home. I didn't want them to be unhappy because I know how that feels. Hopefully, they will acclimate and feel at home in their new residence. The kids sure love them. I hope they know that.

Men, Can't Live with Them, Can't Live without Them

As long as we're on the topic of boytoys, I might as well put my thoughts into writing about men. Not all men, just the men I find atractive and sexy. I call them "yumcicles". There are two types:

Men who are on the swinger site.
These men are fine... nice bodies, nice ass, mostly nice personalities. Some have really yummy faces, some not so much but who cares when they have a rocking body to compensate that with. :) Now, these men are horny--- all the time! That explains why they're on the site in the first place. If they agree to meet me, there's no fear for rejection. I know I'm in and in control. It will all then be up to me when I make myself available. There is however the ocassional scheduling problem but in general, they're good to go whenever I am. To sum it up, it's very easy for me. Not much leg work required.

The Non-Swinger Men
Now these men are the challenge. You never know what you're gonna get. Most of them are all talk but when push comes to shove, they go running to momma. I don't know what scares them more, the fact that I'm married or that I'm a swinger. How's that you say? Married scenario: My husband might not know so imagine the trouble they're getting themselves into. You hear about all the psycho significant others finding out about affairs. You can fill in the rest. Swinger scenario: They might be looking for a possible long term or temporary relationship. I doubt they had a swinger in mind for that. Most of them don't want to share. They might even be afraid of something that's completely new to them and they don't quite understand it. They could have a conservative view of how relationships should be and that it should be monogamous. Whatever the case may be, they run away... fast! In short, they're complicated.

Swinger men, they pursue me. The non-swinger type is the other way around. Once in a while, I give up on the latter type. Too much work! Then again, it's not as much fun if it's just handed down to me all the time. Now I understand how guys like "the chase".

Close to Nature

My family went camping on the Memorial Day weekend. This is my third camping trip in 10 years and I have never enjoyed camping this much. It took me a couple of hours or so to get adjusted to my new "home" for the weekend. Then it was pure pleasure going forward. It wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination; my husband forgot the tent poles to our 2-bedroom tent. Lucky for him, he found a town nearby that had camping equipments. He got one of the only two tents left and it was only big enough to fit a queen size air mattress in it.

Other than the ocassional tantrums from our two toddlers, it was smooth sailing all the way. The best thing I loved about that trip aside from spending quality time with the family is the fact that I was able to enjoy every minute. No worries...no rushing, no trying to beat the clock, no concern for being late. I just took each moment as it came and embraced it. It was amazing how much everything felt so right, like i belonged there all along.

Like everything else, there comes a point when it all ends. It was a bittersweet experience packing and leaving the camp site. I'm still a bit sad about being back to the real world. On the brighter side, there's always a next time. :)

It's All in Your Head

That phrase is probably the least I like when it comes to describing depression. I used to think that depression just happens, it's not something I can control. I resented the thought of it being just in my head because to me that meant, I'm making it up, that it's not real. In short, that I'm just plain crazy. Who knows how I got to those conclusions.

Then I started reading "You Can Feel Good Again" by Richard Carlson Ph.D. and that phrase started making sense. So far, the book is explaining how depression's root cause is one's thoughts (thus the all-in-your-head part) This time though, the phrase has a different meaning to me, a positive one. Everything starts with a thought then comes the corresponding feeling. If I'm not aware they were just thought and not actually "reality" happening right there in front of me then I get sucked into the dark hole of depression once again, focusing only on the negative feeling the thought has given me and maybe making it worse than what it really is or was by thinking more negative thoughts through assumption.

I've been learning slowly but surely how to control my thoughts and where they lead me. I've been catching myself in that cycle quite a bit. No wonder I felt like I was always down. I sure beat myself up. I am my worst enemy. And I only feel as bad as I lead myself to believe. These were things I've heard people say to me before but they never clicked until now. I'm hoping to be better at being the captain of my own ship and to be completely mentally and emotionally well again. Three days of feeling good by closely monitoring my thoughts and feelings feels pretty good. I'm hopeful.

It is true that you're the only one who can make yourself happy. It doesn't matter what the rest of the world is doing even if it's all for you if you don't decide to be happy. It will all feel empty if you don't allow yourself to be happy.