It's hard to say when the craziness began. Does anyone ever really know the answer to this? For story purposes, let's say it started with my little affair that later turned out to be a big nightmare. By nightmare I mean rejection, hurt feelings and finally the prize- depression. I didn't go out looking for trouble but it found me anyway and it wouldn't let me hide again. There were a lot of desperate nights of trying to drown the sadness and the loss by clubbing and drinking. The trip to La La Land began. With nobody to confide in, I was forced to move forward the best way I knew how which wasn't much and only led me deeper and deeper into trouble. I tried to keep my head above water for the most part but not knowing how to swim, it's been hell.
It's funny how every time I feel I have things under control, it's only an illusion. I play with fire thinking I have it far enough not to burn me but I'm always wrong. So I saw a therapist and took antidepressants in the hopes of curing my depression. Did it work? The medication numbed me for a year until I decided it was time to remove the crutches. The therapist didn't really help much. What I needed was a friend I could talk to about my troubles but who in their right mind would listen endlessly about how I screwed up big time? I quit the meds and the therapist and tried to find comfort in more trouble. This time, I was looking for a replacement for the man who saw me, made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted and made me feel alive. The same one who dumped me in the end. The same one who shoved me to the hole I'm in. Lost and lonely puppy, that was me in a nutshell.
I became a swinger in an attempt to feel whole again. It has done more good than harm to my marriage but it sure has done a lot of damage to me. There was an easy access to more men who will eventually break my heart. And damn this heart, it never learns. Just kept plowing through. I can only put my head up there so much before enough is enough.
I've always been known to do extremes, it's hard to be in the middle. When I first became a mother, I would spend every minute of my time with my baby. It became difficult for me to be away from my daughter even for a few minutes. So I read in baby books that I need to have some me-time and to not feel guilty about taking care of myself because when I'm recharged, I come back a better mother. In the attempt to be a better mother, I became a bad one. I got too good at doing things for myself. I couldn't get enough of me-time. Life eventually became an endless juggle for me. It was more work than fun. When I became depressed, I didn't enjoy being around my children as much as I used to. I lost sight of what really matters to me in this life.
Then I lost my job. Without much time to react and put things in perspective, I was forced to figure out the next step which happened to be going back to school. Then again, forced to start job hunting which has been driving me insane. Then a friend of mine died. One day later, I was suicidal. One week later, I got dumped by my then boyfriend who has kept me pretty happy for six months. Full on depression once again.
This afternoon, a higher power brought me relief. He provided a ride back home from my three year long journey to La La Land. He provided a friend from TX whom I met through blogging. She's been there for me more than any of my friends have been. Thank you C! The higher power also reminded me I have a lot of people who truly care about me and see me for the great person that I am. A post from David was the last thing I needed to hop on to my ride home. I have a wonderful husband who's been there for me through thick and thin and it has gotten pretty thin. He loves me and he's an amazing dad. I have the cutest kids in the whole world. They are the sweetest not counting the bratty times and they deserve a mommy who can be there for them every step of the way. They are after all what really matters to me in this life.
Souvenirs from my trip:
- Met some pretty cool people
- Gained a friend in TX whom I will visit soon
- Hopefully made a difference in others
- Learned to let go and heal quicker each time
- Realized just how great my husband is
- Stronger and a little wiser from all the pain
- Pointed me to my true north- my babies