Heavy

Brick thrown into the ocean
Defenseless against gravity
Unbearable weight on my back
Solace is among the stars
Exhausted
Defeated by endless rejection
My beating heart.

My Silence

I didn’t disappear for a while there because I had some matters of the heart to sort out. That was definitely part of the struggles I had but not the major one. November, I received news that would change my life as I knew it.

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I was one of the many who finally joined the unemployed population. Our whole department was shut down and moved to another state. After working there for years, I can't say I've never wondered what life is like outside of my cube. I always had an excuse for staying where I was. When we first heard of the news, I had mixed emotions. Part of me was excited for the new opportunity I now have but scared at the same time for the unknown. There were always daydream of how much greener the other side would be but never once did it occur to me that there would be a lot of work involved in caring for that grass and making it as green as it is in my dreams. I guess the innocent side of me or rather the naïve side just thought or maybe hoped it would be handed out to me already green. Dum Dum!

Torn, that's what I am right now. Excited but lost. People I know think I have it made not having to go to work anymore. Of course these are the people who still have their jobs. Funny how time should be in abundance now that I'm unemployed but I still feel like I'm chasing it. Yes I do have more flexibility now with my time, I just have to learn how to manage it better and have a routine. I'm a creature of structure and right now, it's all chaos. I still feel like I don't have enough time to do things I truly enjoy. I haven't even played much lately.

Looking for a job is not all fun and games, in fact, it's no fun at all. While I'm doing that week after week, I'm also working on going back to school for software engineering. It always ends up to be more work that I first anticipate it to be and becoming more and more overwhelmed. My days have been filled with worry, research and headache with this whole going back to school business. I hope it's all going to be worth it in the end.

So that's why I was quiet for a while.

Missed

I always blamed my insecurity to the fact that there never seemed to be any boy I liked who reciprocated my feelings when I was younger. A few nights ago, I was unaware that my belief was all about to change.

Approximately fifteen years ago, I met a boy who was in his late teens. I fell head over heels in crush with him. I was very young and pure. I met him through a religious conference. I joined for the sake of extra points in my report card but unexpectedly found faith and him.

He must have known how I felt, after all, my friends talked and I blushed whenever he was near. He is a few years older than I am and was a leader in this religious group so the kindness he had shown me was one of an older brother's and nothing more or so I thought. Nothing ever happened.

Then last week, I found him through an online social network. He remembered me. I didn't expect that. What he revealed next was even more unexpected.

Here’s his side of the story: He wanted me badly but was forced to keep it to himself due to his role in this group. He didn't want his superiors or the nuns in my school to think he took advantage of his role. He told me I was too young for him to protect us both. He admired me from afar and wished there could be more between us but his hands were tied. He wished he had kissed me when we danced once. He told himself he would take care of me when we went on a weekend trip for a conference. I told him that I thought the reason for his distance was that I just was not good enough with all the rich, pretty girls who were drooling over him. He said I was way beyond that. When I was around, he didn’t see anyone else. It sounds corny but knowing him, it seemed very sweet and genuine. What he told me next melted my heart. One weekend, he went to my boarding house and found out I went home. I live about an hour and a half away. He went to my little town and stood at the waiting shed of the bus stop, for a chance to maybe see me. He didn't have my address, he just knows I live in that town. That right there proved to me that he had strong feelings. It’s romantic even. Of course this is all news to me. When I told him I was leaving and getting married, it broke his heart. Still, this is all news to me. I never saw him or heard from him again after that.

My heart aches for what could have been and for what he went through. He says he wished he hadn't cared about what other people thought. Now, he's married with three children about the same age as mine and he lives thousands of miles away. I felt a rush of validation and all of a sudden remembered all the other times when boys I liked actually liked me back. Funny how memory betrays you sometimes. Our reconnection was a bittersweet one. I was overjoyed to know how he felt but sad that now, it can never be. I started wondering what life would have been if I ended up with him. The answer, I wouldn't change a thing. My life may not be perfect but I love my family. I can't imagine life without my babies.

Another You

I wouldn't call myself a big John Mayer fan but I do like some of his songs. I was working away online when I heard this song and felt like he spoke from my heart so I wanted to share this with you.


I'm Gonna Find Another You

It's really over, you made your stand
You got me crying, as well as you planned
But when my loneliness is through, i'm gonna find another you

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from blue
I'm gonna find another you

When i was your lover
No one else would do
If i'm forced to find another i hope she looks like you
Yeah and she's nicer too

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now i'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do
Oh i'm gonna find another you