Missed

I always blamed my insecurity to the fact that there never seemed to be any boy I liked who reciprocated my feelings when I was younger. A few nights ago, I was unaware that my belief was all about to change.

Approximately fifteen years ago, I met a boy who was in his late teens. I fell head over heels in crush with him. I was very young and pure. I met him through a religious conference. I joined for the sake of extra points in my report card but unexpectedly found faith and him.

He must have known how I felt, after all, my friends talked and I blushed whenever he was near. He is a few years older than I am and was a leader in this religious group so the kindness he had shown me was one of an older brother's and nothing more or so I thought. Nothing ever happened.

Then last week, I found him through an online social network. He remembered me. I didn't expect that. What he revealed next was even more unexpected.

Here’s his side of the story: He wanted me badly but was forced to keep it to himself due to his role in this group. He didn't want his superiors or the nuns in my school to think he took advantage of his role. He told me I was too young for him to protect us both. He admired me from afar and wished there could be more between us but his hands were tied. He wished he had kissed me when we danced once. He told himself he would take care of me when we went on a weekend trip for a conference. I told him that I thought the reason for his distance was that I just was not good enough with all the rich, pretty girls who were drooling over him. He said I was way beyond that. When I was around, he didn’t see anyone else. It sounds corny but knowing him, it seemed very sweet and genuine. What he told me next melted my heart. One weekend, he went to my boarding house and found out I went home. I live about an hour and a half away. He went to my little town and stood at the waiting shed of the bus stop, for a chance to maybe see me. He didn't have my address, he just knows I live in that town. That right there proved to me that he had strong feelings. It’s romantic even. Of course this is all news to me. When I told him I was leaving and getting married, it broke his heart. Still, this is all news to me. I never saw him or heard from him again after that.

My heart aches for what could have been and for what he went through. He says he wished he hadn't cared about what other people thought. Now, he's married with three children about the same age as mine and he lives thousands of miles away. I felt a rush of validation and all of a sudden remembered all the other times when boys I liked actually liked me back. Funny how memory betrays you sometimes. Our reconnection was a bittersweet one. I was overjoyed to know how he felt but sad that now, it can never be. I started wondering what life would have been if I ended up with him. The answer, I wouldn't change a thing. My life may not be perfect but I love my family. I can't imagine life without my babies.