Current Emotional State

This song by Shania Twain describes it pretty well.

Hope life's been good to you

Since you've been gone

I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on

It's not so bad--I'm not that sad

I'm not surprised just how well I survived

I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive

I can't complain--I'm free again

And it only hurts when I'm breathing

My heart only breaks when it's beating

My dreams only die when I'm dreaming

So, I hold my breath--to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night

There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact


And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget
It only hurts when I breathe

Mmm, no, I've never looked back--as a matter fact

Image by amy.sept via Flickr

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget


Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe

Here's Hoping

Hope sees possibilities,
hears a melody,
smells fragrant flowers,
tastes sweet candy.
Feels magical beyond belief,
lives inside of me.

Hope stays, lingers,
blossoms like spring.
Remains in my heart like
music stuck in my brain.
Stubborn, persistent like a
suitor standing in the rain.

I hope you come.
I hope you stay.
I hope what we had
is forever and a day.

Think of Me Fondly

Out of the nowhere, I had flashbacks of my lover, the one who passed away. Come to think of it, he'd be the only one I'd consider my lover and he will always have a special place in my heart. But that's the dillema right there. One moment, I feel that way then I feel like I should hate him the next. I'm not sure if that's fueled by wanting to ease the hole he left in my heart or giving myself a healthy doze of reality. I've read it in an article once that remembering only the good things about a dead person is what's called the halo effect. You tend to put them on a pedestal after they die and forget all about their imperfections. That seems to be true in my case. As wonderful as he was to me, there's no denying that he hurt me and eventually left me in the depression hole for a long time.

In memorial services, you often hear people wanting you to remember the happy times and to celebrate his life and remember when he was alive and keep him alive in your hearts. I'm doing all of these without being prompted, it happens as naturally as breathing for me. As much as I want to emerge myself in the happiness that used to be, a big part of me wants to be realistic and not lose sight of what really happened. I guess it lessens the pain to have a big chunk of reality thrown in the mix. With the memory not as perfect and as wonderful as I'd like to believe it was, him gone is not as painful and doesn't seem like that much of a loss. It always seems to be double-edged though.

You can either be very happy and start believing in things that never were or have your feet on the ground and remain true to yourself. Obviously I'm choosing the latter but sometimes, I wish I can just allow myself to live in our happy moments together but I'm too afraid, too afraid to actually believe in the fantasy I built.

Presence or Absence?

If you have read my previous posts, you know that there is one person who I miss quite a bit lately. I guess you can call him the flavor of the I Miss You month. If I'm so fortunate, it would be someone new next month. Why, you ask? Because that means I'm finally over missing this one guy. *sigh*

So here's the question for today. Which one is better, somebody's presence or somebody's absence? We are of course talking about it in relation to missing someone. For weeks, I lost count, this man hasn't kept in touch with me. He didn't even give me a pity-text. Nada, zip! I finally talked myself into believing that he has moved on and is now in a better place, a place where I'm not needed. Once in a while, I would still think about him and miss him but I was doing better everyday.


Then one day, out of the blue, I get a text message from him. He sounded like he just picked up where we left off. So casually, so matter-of-factly. I'll admit, my heart felt like it was going to burst with the overwhelming happiness the message brought me. I was immediately thinking happy thoughts, thoughts of seeing him again very soon. Then the torturous cycle began again. I'd wait for his messages and when he doesn't reply, it feels like a little pinch in my heart. Then I started wondering why he hasn't asked me out yet and assume that he's made plans with other girls. The torture grows. Until of course I catch myself doing so and mentally smack myself upside the head.

So I'm left wondering if his absence is better than his half-ass presence.

The T-shirt has Lost its Smell of You

You have some things in common with my husband. You like beer and you like T-shirts with funny or sarcastic words on it. The night you finally met my husband, the two of you decided to wear one of those T-shirts. I, of course had one that says Drama Queen but I didn’t think that was very attractive so I didn’t wear it. Unbeknownst to me, you wanted to give me one of yours that has supposedly gotten too small. It says, “Friends with Privileges”, how appropriate.

Since then, my privileges with you have diminished way more than I’ve expected. All I have left now is that T-shirt. I would hold it close and be transported to our happy, euphoric times together. Back when you would kiss me on my head while I snuggle up to you. Back when I would feel so safe in your arms. Back when you would caress every inch of my skin and make all my troubles melt away. Back when you would kiss me so passionately that it feels like we’re the only two people left in this world.

I didn’t want to wear the T-shirt at first because I didn’t want to wash it and risk losing its smell of you, the smell that was the “ON” button for all those wonderful memories. One night though, I missed you so much that wearing it was the only comfort I could have. It eventually lost its smell of you.

Losing that, I can’t decide if it’s a curse or a blessing. Curse, because I’m afraid that I might forget us and lose you forever. And blessing because along the happy memories of the past comes the emptiness of the present without you. Without your comforting scent haunting me, I won’t be reminded of how much I miss you.

Missing You

Here it is again, the feeling of missing someone. I really have started to hate it. Hate is a strong word I know but I don’t like the feeling of missing someone anymore. The weight it has on my chest is almost unbearable, like a baby sitting on you while you’re your back. It’s not too painful, yet it’s very uncomfortable. *sigh*

Sara Bareilles described what I’m going through concisely in a song. “And I miss you, like you were mine”. He’s not mine, yet I ache for his presence as if he is. I’m posting here anonymously so I would be able to pour my heart out without fear of anything. Yet, I feel hesitant to do so right now. I don’t want to admit that I like him that much. I might have liked him more that I should or wanted. I never realized it of course until he wasn’t so available to me anymore. I thought I had it under control. Or do I just feel this way because I feel I can’t have him anymore.

I finally spent some quality time with a new guy last Saturday and I actually had a lot of fun and he made me feel really good inside. Then what am I complaining about then, right? I wasn’t missing Bryan anymore until this morning. Until I remembered how smoothly everything went with him and how choppy it seemed with the new guy. The new guy learned quickly and found ways to finally satisfy me but it took work. With Bryan, everything was effortless. So then began the annoying feeling of missing him and aching for him.

I read an article once about how NOT to miss someone anymore. We apparently put than certain someone up on a pedestal when we miss them. We only remember the good things about them for some reason thus fueling the empty feeling of not having them around. When you think about it, they weren’t really all that perfect. My first time with Bryan didn’t go all that smoothly. He is however a very fast learner and very intuitive with my needs and how my body reacts so in no time, he had my body in complete control. He touches me and it’s instant heaven. I guess I just have to give the new guy a chance.