Hurting

They say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I'd like to believe that but why do I still hurt just as badly as if it's my first pain? My heart's been broken way too many times and you'd think that by now I would be used to it or at least build tolerance and not hurt as much but no such luck.

True, I've survived the past heartaches. I've even taught my heart to trust again, to let someone in again. I can even look back at those past relationships and appreciate them for the happy times it brought me.

It's the mourning I hate. I wish it goes by faster. I hope I recover quicker and be my bouncy self again in no time. I'm helpless, captive of waiting for relief. I can't look at the positive things, only the loss and the thought of never having the good things ever again because it's over. It almost feels like the only reason I open my heart is to let it get trampled on again. "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", comes into mind but is it really worth it? Right now, all I feel is the pain. It's so overwhelming that it towers over the happiness I had.

Silver lining:
The sadness and pain eventually goes away and I'm left with the happy memories that I can revisit anytime. Meeting and knowing the person does change me for the better. I may not be stronger for it but I am wiser from the experience. On second thought, perhaps I'm stronger because I open my heart again even after being hurt so badly. Afterall, picking yourself up from the ground after you've been knocked down does require strength.

Another You

I wouldn't call myself a big John Mayer fan but I do like some of his songs. I was working away online when I heard this song and felt like he spoke from my heart so I wanted to share this with you.


I'm Gonna Find Another You

It's really over, you made your stand
You got me crying, as well as you planned
But when my loneliness is through, i'm gonna find another you

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from blue
I'm gonna find another you

When i was your lover
No one else would do
If i'm forced to find another i hope she looks like you
Yeah and she's nicer too

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now i'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do
Oh i'm gonna find another you

Time to Let Go

Today I decided to go through my closet full of crap. I've been meaning to do this for a long, long time. Sometimes it seems like stuff just appears and finds a corner in my house and stay there uninvited and unwelcomed.
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The Daycare Center that we send our kids to asked for some donation they can sell on a yard sale type of deal so I was religiously going through my stuff. It was either donate or volunteer to sit out there on a weekend and sell those stuff. I cannot sell anything to save my life and I'd hate to waste a weekend selling instead of having fun. I knew I had a lot of things to donate anyway to free up some space in my getting cramped by the minute house.

So I came across my babies' holloween costumes; a little duck, lady bug, bear and a flower. Aaaaww! I actually had to think about it. It sounds overly dramatic but if you're a parent, you can somewhat relate to this I hope. These were not just costumes, they had memories attached to them. I really miss the little cuddly babies who wore the costumes. Yes, they were very demanding at that age and practically attached to my hips one hundred percent but they also didn't have attitudes that toddlers have. When they were babies, they were just little blobs with those big eyes that stare at me adoringly. I was their everything. I am proud to see my children grow more independent each day but I do miss being needed from time to time. Can you imagine what my blog would be like when they have gone to College? *shiver*

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I miss little babies and whenever I see a baby, it makes me want to have more of my own. I still can but I don't think I can manage the two weeks of recovery after giving birth, nursing and pumping at work and the never ending sleepless nights. I think I'm fine with two.

So I had a little farewell moment with those costumes and told myself that other babies can make more memories with them. If I need to remember those baby days, I can just look at the pictures and try to enjoy every moment of them being toddlers because soon enough, I will miss these times as well.