Filled With Shame

A post by David filled me with shame. His friend is dying of breast cancer and she won't ever see her baby grow up. While here I am, so willing to give that opportunity up. Depressed or not, that made me feel horrible about myself. I've become people I hate. The kind of people who can have as many children as they want and they do but do not take care of them. Then you have people who would do anything to have a baby but can't. You know which group I belong to.

I honestly believed in my heart that my kids would be better off without me if the mother they'll get is depressed and messed up. I had no problem picturing them without a mother because I know my husband would be more than enough parent for them. He did tell me that he is only a good father with me around. I was willing to rob my children of their mother because of my selfish reason, because I'm too weak to handle my personal crisis. Hearing about another mother who would give anything I'm sure to be there for her baby puts me to indescribable shame.

I don't deserve my family, they're too good for me. But I've already wasted almost two weeks of my life feeling sorry for myself and trying to destroy myself so I think I'm going to do something different now. I'll try to be a better person for my family. They deserve nothing less.

Challenges of a Domestic Goddess

More often than not, things go unnoticed by people. Sometimes, it can be as simple as they don’t see you doing it or it’s just not that high on their priority list. In short, you do things that may only matter to you but a good job is what it is and it deserves recognition even if you have to do it yourself.

I came to work this morning feeling overwhelmed as usual and exhausted. I felt as if I was just here and that I didn’t get much accomplished last night. Hubby went out of town again for business last night and I was stressed out to the max again. It never fails every time he tells me he has a trip coming up. Then I started retracing my night and realized I actually accomplished quite a bit. I feel a list coming on.



• I picked up the kids from daycare and introduced our babysitter who will be dropping off the kids to daycare tomorrow to the daycare owner. Both are usually hubby’s duties.

• I came home and made a simple yet sufficient dinner for everyone. I didn’t think I would have enough time or energy to do this without hubby around. I usually cook after I get home from work and he picks up the children so I have more time in the kitchen.

• I emptied the dishwasher, washed another set of dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Also something that hubby is a big part of. I can usually put my feet up after dinner and let my food digest but not last night.

• I packed my lunch instead of buying….again.

• I managed to wash two loads of laundry.

• I gave the kids a long bubble bath which they love.

• I got them ready for bed, teeth brushed and everything. My son didn’t want to cooperate in the sleeping department though. That’s part of the reason why I feel like a zombie this morning.

• And finally, after a nice warm shower with no lights but candles, I was able to put my feet up, watched a funny movie and savored a cup of mango ice cream.

So now that I look back on my list, I think I did alright. *pat, pat, pat*