A Plain Evening Turns Extraordinary

Image via WikipediaWe met in August under very unexpected, unplanned circumstances. I was also strongly considering quitting the swinging lifestyle for good after having my heart broken over and over again. I began to grow tired of the search for the right man. I did not want just empty sex anymore, I wanted depth. I have been looking for this man for a while now but didn't know that I was going to find him that night. Nothing was special about the night. In fact I was on my way to meet someone else I haven't seen in a while and been planning to see for weeks.

I first laid eyes on his profile in a non-swinger dating site that was recommended by a friend. He wrote me first but I told him it was too bad I can't provide what he needs because his profile said he wanted to be in a long term relationship. He was quick to reply, "I may be looking for LTR but I still have needs." I like an honest guy. Big grin He hasn't stopped asking to meet me in person since.

Our schedules were always so hard to sync and finally that one night, the boy toy I was going to see had to push back our meeting time and I was all ready with nowhere to go so I asked if the new guy was free. Long story short, he had his son with him that week (he's divorced) so he couldn't leave his place on a short notice. I was welcome to come over and say hi he said as long as we're quiet so we don't wake his son up. The living room was right next to his son's room so we had to talk in his room. Very sneaky right? I was having second thoughts and felt so stupid for doing something so risky. I normally would meet these guys in public for obvious reasons. I thought he couldn't possibly try anything stupid because his son was there. His "son" could have been made up for all I know and yet I took the bait. I guess when it's right, it just happens. He was a perfect gentleman considering I was in his bedroom and even though he knows I was about to meet someone and have sex. He kept his distance and was very polite. As I was getting more comfortable, he started flirting with me but still waiting for my green light.

I finally let him kiss me and the rest was history. The guy I was going to meet that night didn't have condoms with him and wanted me to pick some up on my way to him. It was late for crying out loud. So, that was his last chance. Our lips met and he passed the kissing test. He was gentle and yet in control. He was on top of me and his leg applied well thought out pressure on my now quickly heating area between my legs. He hit just the right spot, made me want him more and soon. Oh, he's good! I unzipped his pants and there it was, the most handsome cock I've ever seen and yes, huge! Now, you wonder, does he have the skills to go with the size or is he one of those guys who feel they don't have to exert much effort because size will take care of it? Well, I'm glad to announce, he has skills too. This was turning out to be a special night. To be continued...

You Win

For as long as I can remember,
you kept me at arm’s length.
A little window here, a little crack there,
but never the full open view.
You invite me in your life
but never let me in.
You built walls around yourself
I can only dream of crumbling.
You wear an impermeable armor,
I can never take off.

I pushed and I pulled.
I loved and I hated.
Opened my senses,
learned to compromise.

Try as I may
all my efforts are futile.
You win.

Think of Me Fondly

Out of the nowhere, I had flashbacks of my lover, the one who passed away. Come to think of it, he'd be the only one I'd consider my lover and he will always have a special place in my heart. But that's the dillema right there. One moment, I feel that way then I feel like I should hate him the next. I'm not sure if that's fueled by wanting to ease the hole he left in my heart or giving myself a healthy doze of reality. I've read it in an article once that remembering only the good things about a dead person is what's called the halo effect. You tend to put them on a pedestal after they die and forget all about their imperfections. That seems to be true in my case. As wonderful as he was to me, there's no denying that he hurt me and eventually left me in the depression hole for a long time.

In memorial services, you often hear people wanting you to remember the happy times and to celebrate his life and remember when he was alive and keep him alive in your hearts. I'm doing all of these without being prompted, it happens as naturally as breathing for me. As much as I want to emerge myself in the happiness that used to be, a big part of me wants to be realistic and not lose sight of what really happened. I guess it lessens the pain to have a big chunk of reality thrown in the mix. With the memory not as perfect and as wonderful as I'd like to believe it was, him gone is not as painful and doesn't seem like that much of a loss. It always seems to be double-edged though.

You can either be very happy and start believing in things that never were or have your feet on the ground and remain true to yourself. Obviously I'm choosing the latter but sometimes, I wish I can just allow myself to live in our happy moments together but I'm too afraid, too afraid to actually believe in the fantasy I built.

Could I Be Free?

I'm married to man much older than I am. When we met, I was just figuring out my life while he already has one. I tried to fit in but could never quite do so. He's a very busy responsible man and I was very lonely because of it. I, having lived a very sheltered life, my beloved husband understood my need for self discovery and was very supportive. Going to clubs to dance had a way of curing my homesickness even for just a little bit. It also gave me a glimpse of the old me who was forced to change. Then one night, an attractive guy danced with me and I all of a sudden felt beautiful. It was empowering to be seen, noticed and wanted. I quickly got addicted to the attention I was no longer getting at home. It became the reason why I went dancing from then on. There was no way I could have foreseen what was going to happen next. I let a guy kiss me and the rest was history. For most, this might be a "duh!" moment but not for the I-got-it-under-control-me. I was everything but in control. I fell in love and if you were paying attention at the beginning of my story, I'm married with kids! Could it be any worse? Apparently it could. He's married and a daddy. The wife found out and we couldn't see each other anymore.

We met on Sept 2006 and until today, I thought I still wasn't over him and never will be. When he said goodbye for the last time, my reason for dancing changed again. This time, it was the only thing I had left of him. I tried joining the swinger community in the hopes of forgetting the pain. Swinging also made me honest to my husband who later found out and forgave me. I know, I'm so lucky to have a man like him. Becoming swingers brought us closer together if you can believe that. My husband and I began spending more time together. I felt closer to him. So I went from dancing to swinging to get over my second love. I would meet guys as fast as I can to try and fill that void he left. No one can seem to do the job.

Then I met a man who was not only a "boytoy" but also became a friend. Another unexpected twist. I'm not inlove with him by any means. I made sure of that this time around. I slowly noticed not really having the desire to meet new swingers anymore. I was content. No desire to go clubbing either. Could I finally be free?

My lover died in a car accident. It will be one year next month.