Time to Let Go

Today I decided to go through my closet full of crap. I've been meaning to do this for a long, long time. Sometimes it seems like stuff just appears and finds a corner in my house and stay there uninvited and unwelcomed.
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The Daycare Center that we send our kids to asked for some donation they can sell on a yard sale type of deal so I was religiously going through my stuff. It was either donate or volunteer to sit out there on a weekend and sell those stuff. I cannot sell anything to save my life and I'd hate to waste a weekend selling instead of having fun. I knew I had a lot of things to donate anyway to free up some space in my getting cramped by the minute house.

So I came across my babies' holloween costumes; a little duck, lady bug, bear and a flower. Aaaaww! I actually had to think about it. It sounds overly dramatic but if you're a parent, you can somewhat relate to this I hope. These were not just costumes, they had memories attached to them. I really miss the little cuddly babies who wore the costumes. Yes, they were very demanding at that age and practically attached to my hips one hundred percent but they also didn't have attitudes that toddlers have. When they were babies, they were just little blobs with those big eyes that stare at me adoringly. I was their everything. I am proud to see my children grow more independent each day but I do miss being needed from time to time. Can you imagine what my blog would be like when they have gone to College? *shiver*

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I miss little babies and whenever I see a baby, it makes me want to have more of my own. I still can but I don't think I can manage the two weeks of recovery after giving birth, nursing and pumping at work and the never ending sleepless nights. I think I'm fine with two.

So I had a little farewell moment with those costumes and told myself that other babies can make more memories with them. If I need to remember those baby days, I can just look at the pictures and try to enjoy every moment of them being toddlers because soon enough, I will miss these times as well.

My Heart Broke Tonight

It's not for the reason you might think. It's not another guy who broke my heart. This time, it's my four and a half year old daughter. Lately, she's been very stubborn and I just assumed that was part of the terrible two that goes on for years. You parents, know what I'm talking about. My husband is the disciplinarian of the house and I'm the pushover. I am usually very patient unless I'm exhausted or in some sort of physical pain. I happened to be both tonight so I had zero patience. Recently, it seemed like she's just getting into one trouble after another. She ignores me when I ask her to do something, this is a big one. She takes her brother's teddy bear just to torment him and make him cry.

Tonight, I realized just how serious the situation is. There I was, giving my usual lecture, discussing consequences with her and she had this smile on her face and twinkle in her eyes. I asked her to repeat what I said because she was very good with the "yes mommy" part when I asked her if I made myself clear. To my surprise, almost everything I said went in one ear and out the other. That just made me furious! I wasted my breath. I didn't know what to do with her anymore. She only remembers bits and pieces and not the good ones either. She doesn't remember what she did wrong or she blocked that out. She knows the consequence though but it doesn't really make any difference to her because she'll just get into trouble again the next chance she gets.

I sent her to her room and my husband talked to her. This is the part that broke my heart. She said she is going to space to find a family that loves her. My heart is broken because I felt like I failed her and I failed as a mother. I love her with all my heart and yet she only remembered the scolding part. She thinks that just because I'm so upset that I don't want her anymore. Tough love worked on me when I was a child because I was aware of what I did wrong. It's not working with her because she shuts out the part where she was actually being stubborn. No cause and effect, just effect for her. I also am completely helpless as to how to deal with her.

I was crying to my husband out of frustration and guilt. We should be our daughter's support system. I realized we let life get in the way with making sure she felt loved. I'm guilty for always being busy. I need to revisit my priorities. I've been too consumed with chores, work, going to the gym, my marriage, swinging, my parents, daydreaming about vacation, my cat's flea problems, making dinner and a gazillion other things that my kids went on the wayside. I feel horrible about that. I felt like I don't deserve to have such two beautiful children. They should be my first priority. After all, none of the other things really matter if I lose my children due to my own negligence.

I feel so awful that she felt we don't love her and I want to make this right. So hubby and I devised a plan. We will spend more time with the kids especially my daughter who feels like my son is taking over her world. We will go buy games the whole family can play this week. We will enroll them in swimming lessons this Sunday. We will go to the zoo and watch Ice Age very soon. We will have one on one time with her just so she can talk her heart out.

I went to her room but she was already asleep. I kissed her cheek, brushed her hair off her face and covered her up with her blanky.

What to Do

Once in a while, I would take my children to the bookstore for story time. The most interesting stories are the ones the parents tell by their behavior. I don't know if the parents are more self conscious in front of other parents or that's just the way they are but this is where you see a display of different parenting styles; from ridiculous to admirable. I hope I fit in there somewhere in between.

Tonight, something bothered me particularly. Our sort of new friend brought his daughter over who's the same age as my daughter. My children goes to daycare while I'm at work but our friend's daughter is always either with her mom or dad or grandparents. She's not around other kids very often. As much as I would love to spend every waking moment with my children, I am thankful that they are learning social skills at daycare. My daughter, much like my husband is very confident and does great being around people. Mia, our friend's daughter on the other hand is very quiet and kept to herself. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I am the same way. However, you can tell how out of her element she is and this is not the first time she's been to our house and played with my daughter and son. We even went camping together. I guess unless you're her daddy, she's never going to warm up to you and believe me, I've tried. My daughter was being her usual playful, bouncy self and wanted to play with Mia when all of a sudden, she tells her daddy that Emma scratched her and pulled on her beautiful dress. My daughter was just trying to play with her. What surprised me was how her dad dealt with the situation. Instead of difusing her reaction and trying to be the grownup, he was instructing her to tell my daughter to STOP if she doesn't like what she's doing. That's ok but you don't have to yell to get the message across and this is something he should be discussing with her in private. I felt like he was indirectly reprimanding me and made me feel like a lousy mother. Just for formality purposes, I talked to my daughter in a calm voice to be gentle with Mia. Mia just acted up some more and started crying as if she was really injured.

I used to feel sorry for her for being a product of divorce and not having any kids around that's why I invited them to come over more often. Now, I don't even want her around my children. It's too much for me to handle. I know when my kids misbehave and I make sure I keep them in line but to witness someone accuse them of a lie is very painful. Part of me wanted to just say it like it is but I had to restrain myself and be the only adult in the room.

Hearing Things

It's 8:30 at night, kids are in bed and hubby is out of the house for the night. Complete peace and quiet except the tapping sound of my keyboard. I'm paying bills, concentrating, trying not to make a mistake with my hard earned money.

Then I hear something... I stopped typing. This time, I listened more closely, maximizing my hearing volume. It seems like someone's whispering in an eery kind of way. The sound reminded me of something scary that you'd hear from a horror film. I tried to let the adult part of my mind tower over the scared little child me. I have never liked horror films and vowed never to watch them again after I saw "What Lies Beneath". I listen one more time hoping I was just hearing things. I tried to convince myself it was only the humming of the computer.

I still hear it and this time, it's clear that the child in me is right-- it is someone whispering but who? I turn around to look for that sound and standing behind the ajar door is none other than my 22 months old boy. He was whispering because he knows he's supposed to be in bed and he's not. What a brat! Scared the holy crap out of me.

Easter Egg Hunt Corruption

I know this is a little late but I just now found the time to do it. I took my kids to their first Easter Egg Hunt. My daughter is 4 1/2 and my son is 22 months old. That's the problem with expectations, when they're not met, it bites. I had visions of kids grouped by age, happily looking around for eggs.

What happened next broke my heart a little especially when I saw my daughter's disappointed litte face. Someone announced "GO" and toddlers to teens (some even older) had a mad dash to find the eggs. My little guy had no clue what was happening around him so I guided him and pointed at the eggs to put in his basket. My mom was guiding my daughter. Needless to say, my kids barely got any eggs with all the huge kids competition. I also saw one of the moderators secretly handing a "golden egg" to one of the kids which I later found out was his grandson.

It probably wouldn't hit me as hard if I didn't see my daughter's sad face. It's hard to swallow when at an event such as this, you'll see what the world is really like. The people who follow rules and choose to be good are the ones who lose. I'm sure there are a billion ways to look at this situation but this is the one that made an impression on me. I know that the world is filled with corrupt people in power but I was really hoping it didn't start so early and was hoping to shield the children as long as possible.

It wouldn't be fair if I don't at least present one other way of looking at this. Ok, so my kids didn't get the most eggs which will be equal to money or any material prizes in the real world. What they did get is something more important. They learned what's it's like to lose, to deal with that unpleasant feeling, to realize that they have a family who loves them, who tried to make them feel better. Material possesions including money will come and go but values, intergrity, people who love you and lessons learned are ingrained in you forever. That will help them be better equipped to deal with the real world. Instilling good principles will make them better people and God knows we need more of that today.