Secret Lives

Image by Gustty via Flickr I just finished watching Mr. Brooks with Kevin Costner. I don't know why I have never heard of this movie before. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. I'm usually very good at predicting what's going to happen next in these thriller type movies but I couldn't nail Mr. Brooks down.

Which got me to thinking about secret lives of people. Everybody has a secret, that I believe. There's always something one is not proud of to admit. It could range from the completely benign to the outrageous. It can be as simple as a guilty pleasure or it can be a secret life such as mine- swinger. I want to know more about what other lifestyles you have or what you'd rather be than what you are right now. Some people dream of being rockstars, I dream of being a princess. :) It can be a dream job. You might be stuck in a cubicle but you really wish you were pursuing your dream of music.

I'd like to hear what you guys have to say. Of course, you can all post as anonymous as to keep whatever it is you have, a secret. It would be interesting to see what other people are not comfortable sharing with people they know. Go...

He is Every Man

Image by law_keven via Flickr

You know that song by Whitney Houston, I'm Every Woman? Well, I found the male version, it's all in him. Lucky me, right? It's almost as if a higher power heard my request for the perfect guy, made him and sent him my way. Ok, he's not that perfect but who is? He's pretty close to my dream man though. He has blue eyes, he's over 6 feet tall, he's got the strong lean body I like in a guy, has nice big hands, nice and big down there too. He likes the same music I do, jazz, R&B and some Hip Hop. He does everything he could to keep me interested and happy. How did I get so lucky? He insists on paying for everything because he said men should take care of women. I'm all about gender equality but it's refreshing to have a guy who genuinely thinks I deserve to be treated the right way in that sense. He has a life but never makes me feel like I have to wait in line to fit in his schedule. As great as our time in the bedroom is, I enjoy him just as much outside. We can talk for hours without the awkward pause. He's a gentleman who can rock my world in bed. So when this man asked me to be his girlfriend, I couldn't refuse. That of course means, I'm not going to see any other boy toys but him. He's worth giving that up and it's been a fun ride. I hope the end is far. I'm jealous of the girl who will eventually own him completely someday. For now, I'll soak up every wonderful moment we have together.

A Plain Evening Turns Extraordinary

Image via WikipediaWe met in August under very unexpected, unplanned circumstances. I was also strongly considering quitting the swinging lifestyle for good after having my heart broken over and over again. I began to grow tired of the search for the right man. I did not want just empty sex anymore, I wanted depth. I have been looking for this man for a while now but didn't know that I was going to find him that night. Nothing was special about the night. In fact I was on my way to meet someone else I haven't seen in a while and been planning to see for weeks.

I first laid eyes on his profile in a non-swinger dating site that was recommended by a friend. He wrote me first but I told him it was too bad I can't provide what he needs because his profile said he wanted to be in a long term relationship. He was quick to reply, "I may be looking for LTR but I still have needs." I like an honest guy. Big grin He hasn't stopped asking to meet me in person since.

Our schedules were always so hard to sync and finally that one night, the boy toy I was going to see had to push back our meeting time and I was all ready with nowhere to go so I asked if the new guy was free. Long story short, he had his son with him that week (he's divorced) so he couldn't leave his place on a short notice. I was welcome to come over and say hi he said as long as we're quiet so we don't wake his son up. The living room was right next to his son's room so we had to talk in his room. Very sneaky right? I was having second thoughts and felt so stupid for doing something so risky. I normally would meet these guys in public for obvious reasons. I thought he couldn't possibly try anything stupid because his son was there. His "son" could have been made up for all I know and yet I took the bait. I guess when it's right, it just happens. He was a perfect gentleman considering I was in his bedroom and even though he knows I was about to meet someone and have sex. He kept his distance and was very polite. As I was getting more comfortable, he started flirting with me but still waiting for my green light.

I finally let him kiss me and the rest was history. The guy I was going to meet that night didn't have condoms with him and wanted me to pick some up on my way to him. It was late for crying out loud. So, that was his last chance. Our lips met and he passed the kissing test. He was gentle and yet in control. He was on top of me and his leg applied well thought out pressure on my now quickly heating area between my legs. He hit just the right spot, made me want him more and soon. Oh, he's good! I unzipped his pants and there it was, the most handsome cock I've ever seen and yes, huge! Now, you wonder, does he have the skills to go with the size or is he one of those guys who feel they don't have to exert much effort because size will take care of it? Well, I'm glad to announce, he has skills too. This was turning out to be a special night. To be continued...

Update

It's been a while, that's for sure. I lost my desire to blog because I surrendered. I felt like my whole world collapsed. Well, maybe not that extreme but it felt like everything was floating everywhere due to the absence of gravity. Gravity being, the one who rejected me.

Good news is, I've taken advantage of my status as being unemployed and I've finished little projects I've started years ago. Also, next month, on Valentine's Day, I will be done with my Program (something to do with the Software Industry). One other accomplishment of mine is finally closing that door of hoping for him to come back. Just a few days ago, I've finally given up on him and in this case, giving up is a good thing. I'm not gonna waste any more of my time explaining how he wronged me over and over again. I'm just happy and relieved that I finally got it through my very thick head.

Another good news is that I met someone. Ear to ear grin He is wonderful. I can even say he's heaven-sent. That story will be for another day.

Defeated

All this time (a year now), I've been missing this man. I think about him a lot and fantasize about being with him again.

I saw him one day. Actually, he saw me and surprisingly got my attention and talked to me. I was not only dizzy from being stuck in traffic for an hour, I was also in major disbelief that I was standing right there in front of him. I was speechless for a few moments. It was like I was in a dream, I almost had to pinch myself. He looked better than I remembered and those eyes still pull me in like the strongest magnet there is. I wanted him to take me home, to pick up where we left off, to have a lot of my questions answered but that part was to remain a dream. He even seemed hesitant when I said we should get together again soon. Like someone was listening and he didn't want that person to hear. He said we will barbeque when I got back from our vacation.

Over a month had past and I didn't wan't to reach out to him. He should have my contact info. He hasn't contacted me longer than I'd like to admit. Overtime, i felt like it was a bad idea to even still dream of him. I slowly put him away from my mind and tried to remember it for the good times and finally accept that it was over and that it had served its purpose.

Then today I got invited to his barbeque party and I went. I was very nervous all day and not sure what I was doing. I didn't know how it's going to be. I was mortified of what it could bring and a little hopeful that something good was gonna come out of it. I have to admit that I was more afraid than excited. My guts were right. There were other people there so we couldn't even really talk. I had to pretend that I didn't know him that well and that long. The worst part, there was a girl there who might have replaced me. I couldn't tell for sure but I know she's been around his place more than i have been this past year and I hate her for that. I wish she had more substance though so it would be hard to hate her. She's not in shape but has huge boobs, she doesn't seem to have an ambition and the lights are on but nobody's home kind of girl. I sound really bitter because I am. I feel rejected and betrayed. If you're gonna replace me, find someone suitable.

Then again, maybe that's exactly the kind of person he needs right now. Maybe she's better than me in other ways that works better for him. I don't even think I can be around this group anymore. I was hoping for a lot of good things to come out from this. Closure, reconnection but neither one has been fulfilled. I think I was right about deciding to let it go. It's over, I just hope my heart realizes that too. At least I got to cuddle with his body pillow which is my absolute favorite; a piece of him I got to hold for a moment. It still hurts like hell. I've been defeated and left all bruised up and bloody on the ground.

Hurting

They say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I'd like to believe that but why do I still hurt just as badly as if it's my first pain? My heart's been broken way too many times and you'd think that by now I would be used to it or at least build tolerance and not hurt as much but no such luck.

True, I've survived the past heartaches. I've even taught my heart to trust again, to let someone in again. I can even look back at those past relationships and appreciate them for the happy times it brought me.

It's the mourning I hate. I wish it goes by faster. I hope I recover quicker and be my bouncy self again in no time. I'm helpless, captive of waiting for relief. I can't look at the positive things, only the loss and the thought of never having the good things ever again because it's over. It almost feels like the only reason I open my heart is to let it get trampled on again. "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", comes into mind but is it really worth it? Right now, all I feel is the pain. It's so overwhelming that it towers over the happiness I had.

Silver lining:
The sadness and pain eventually goes away and I'm left with the happy memories that I can revisit anytime. Meeting and knowing the person does change me for the better. I may not be stronger for it but I am wiser from the experience. On second thought, perhaps I'm stronger because I open my heart again even after being hurt so badly. Afterall, picking yourself up from the ground after you've been knocked down does require strength.

Ms. Hopeless Strikes Again

Here's another episode of me in all my hopeless glory. I was at the gym, later than usual, trying to just get it over with so I could go home and watch a movie when Mr. Perfect appeared underneath his hood. I couldn't see his face very well at first but I had my x-Ray vision on and I could see right through his clothes and oh my, what a view. Ok, he is a total eye candy with his well sculptured chest and butt. I'm sure the abs are no exception. *insert dreamy sigh here*

So what happened you wonder? I was mentally hitting myself on the head once more. My immediate reaction after drooling over him was total shyness and the urge to disappear. I moved away from him so that he was no longer in my line of sight to allow me to concentrate back on what I was there to do. Next thing I know, Mr. Perfect moved right across from me and glanced my way quite a bit. What did I do? Looked away and looked down and pretended he wasn't rocking my world just by looking hot. Maybe somehow I hoped that when I don't show interest, the guy would be challenged and would want to pursue me but then again I don't think it ever worked for me that way. What can I say...I'm hopeless. I moved again to be away from him and once again, he moved with me. It could be coincidence, I realize that but I could also have done something else other than running away. I could have smiled maybe when our eyes met but you know that's not possible when I think someone is hot. I just melt and my brain goes along with it. I got so uncomfortable that I finally left the building and kept mentally beating myself. Oh, what I would give to get a taste of that. YUM!