A Woman's Heart

Current Emotional State

2011-03-09T22:05:00.000-08:00

This song by Shania Twain describes it pretty well.

Hope life's been good to you

Since you've been gone

I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on

It's not so bad--I'm not that sad

I'm not surprised just how well I survived

I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive

I can't complain--I'm free again

And it only hurts when I'm breathing

My heart only breaks when it's beating

My dreams only die when I'm dreaming

So, I hold my breath--to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night

There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget
It only hurts when I breathe

Mmm, no, I've never looked back--as a matter fact

Image by amy.sept via Flickr

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe

To La La Land and Back

2011-03-02T16:23:00.000-08:00

To say that the past three years has been crazy is an understatement. Who knew that so much chaos can be packed in such a short time. Three years in the grand scheme of things is a short time but for the main character in that crazy world, it's too long. A long time to have your head up a place where the sun never shines. There were plenty of times I saw the light at the end of the tunnel or in my case, that place where the sun don't shine. I think I'm finally out, I've finally pulled my head out!

It's hard to say when the craziness began. Does anyone ever really know the answer to this? For story purposes, let's say it started with my little affair that later turned out to be a big nightmare. By nightmare I mean rejection, hurt feelings and finally the prize- depression. I didn't go out looking for trouble but it found me anyway and it wouldn't let me hide again. There were a lot of desperate nights of trying to drown the sadness and the loss by clubbing and drinking. The trip to La La Land began. With nobody to confide in, I was forced to move forward the best way I knew how which wasn't much and only led me deeper and deeper into trouble. I tried to keep my head above water for the most part but not knowing how to swim, it's been hell.

It's funny how every time I feel I have things under control, it's only an illusion. I play with fire thinking I have it far enough not to burn me but I'm always wrong. So I saw a therapist and took antidepressants in the hopes of curing my depression. Did it work? The medication numbed me for a year until I decided it was time to remove the crutches. The therapist didn't really help much. What I needed was a friend I could talk to about my troubles but who in their right mind would listen endlessly about how I screwed up big time? I quit the meds and the therapist and tried to find comfort in more trouble. This time, I was looking for a replacement for the man who saw me, made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted and made me feel alive. The same one who dumped me in the end. The same one who shoved me to the hole I'm in. Lost and lonely puppy, that was me in a nutshell.

I became a swinger in an attempt to feel whole again. It has done more good than harm to my marriage but it sure has done a lot of damage to me. There was an easy access to more men who will eventually break my heart. And damn this heart, it never learns. Just kept plowing through. I can only put my head up there so much before enough is enough.

I've always been known to do extremes, it's hard to be in the middle. When I first became a mother, I would spend every minute of my time with my baby. It became difficult for me to be away from my daughter even for a few minutes. So I read in baby books that I need to have some me-time and to not feel guilty about taking care of myself because when I'm recharged, I come back a better mother. In the attempt to be a better mother, I became a bad one. I got too good at doing things for myself. I couldn't get enough of me-time. Life eventually became an endless juggle for me. It was more work than fun. When I became depressed, I didn't enjoy being around my children as much as I used to. I lost sight of what really matters to me in this life.

Then I lost my job. Without much time to react and put things in perspective, I was forced to figure out the next step which happened to be going back to school. Then again, forced to start job hunting which has been driving me insane. Then a friend of mine died. One day later, I was suicidal. One week later, I got dumped by my then boyfriend who has kept me pretty happy for six months. Full on depression once again.

This afternoon, a higher power brought me relief. He provided a ride back home from my three year long journey to La La Land. He provided a friend from TX whom I met through blogging. She's been there for me more than any of my friends have been. Thank you C! The higher power also reminded me I have a lot of people who truly care about me and see me for the great person that I am. A post from David was the last thing I needed to hop on to my ride home. I have a wonderful husband who's been there for me through thick and thin and it has gotten pretty thin. He loves me and he's an amazing dad. I have the cutest kids in the whole world. They are the sweetest not counting the bratty times and they deserve a mommy who can be there for them every step of the way. They are after all what really matters to me in this life.

Souvenirs from my trip:

Met some pretty cool people
Gained a friend in TX whom I will visit soon
Hopefully made a difference in others
Learned to let go and heal quicker each time
Realized just how great my husband is
Stronger and a little wiser from all the pain
Pointed me to my true north- my babies

Filled With Shame

2011-03-02T11:48:00.000-08:00

A post by David filled me with shame. His friend is dying of breast cancer and she won't ever see her baby grow up. While here I am, so willing to give that opportunity up. Depressed or not, that made me feel horrible about myself. I've become people I hate. The kind of people who can have as many children as they want and they do but do not take care of them. Then you have people who would do anything to have a baby but can't. You know which group I belong to.

I honestly believed in my heart that my kids would be better off without me if the mother they'll get is depressed and messed up. I had no problem picturing them without a mother because I know my husband would be more than enough parent for them. He did tell me that he is only a good father with me around. I was willing to rob my children of their mother because of my selfish reason, because I'm too weak to handle my personal crisis. Hearing about another mother who would give anything I'm sure to be there for her baby puts me to indescribable shame.

I don't deserve my family, they're too good for me. But I've already wasted almost two weeks of my life feeling sorry for myself and trying to destroy myself so I think I'm going to do something different now. I'll try to be a better person for my family. They deserve nothing less.

It Can Only Go Up from Here... I hope

2011-03-02T11:17:00.000-08:00

Boy toys are like antidepressants and band aids. They only temporarily make you feel better but never really cure what's ailing you.

Stuck Again

2011-02-22T14:54:00.000-08:00

At a loss for words
Hideous feelings all too familiar
Same dark frightening hole
Unforgiving, relentless, destructive
When will war end?
Conquering battles no longer suffice

Escaping this torturous hell
A mere borrowed moment
A dream, a tale told
What now?

Before It's Too Late

2011-02-18T09:18:00.000-08:00

Spend time with them.
Don't let too much time pass before you call them.
Show them you care.
Be there for them when they're down.
Celebrate with them when they succeed.
Mean it when you say, "we should get together soon."
Tell them you love them... before it's too late.

Too often, we let a thing called life get in the way with doing what matters most. We are either too busy, sick, overwhelmed with a full plate or just plain lazy. I'm sure guilty with all of those. Even though I know everybody has an expiration date, subconsciously, it seems we all live forever so I procrastinate more than I should. There seems to be a million days ahead of me to actually bring truth to "we should do this again", "I miss you and I want to see you soon", "I will come back and visit with you again" and general warm and loving thoughts that remain just that-- thoughts.

This morning, someone I truly care about passed away and although I'm sad that she's gone, I'm more upset that I never got to see her again after I said I would. Sure, I was sick, sure I was busy with school but I'm also sure I could have gone and seen her if I really put more effort into it. But I got swallowed whole by "life" that I forgot to pay attention to people I love and care about. Lucky me, I still have people I love left and I have another chance at spending some of my time to what matters most. So do yourselves a favor and do what I didn't, before it's too late.

I'm Choosing My Adventure

2011-02-10T15:11:00.000-08:00

Photo by Disneyspeak.com

A few days ago, I read a post by Dan about choosing your own adventure. The concept is new to me having been brought up in a foreign country. To my surprise, I chose the happy ending path. Every time a decision had to be made of what's going to happen next, I chose the positive action and ultimately got my happily ever after. I'm usually a pessimist, not by choice mind you, I just became jaded. That was confirmed when I started reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I wasn't even aware of how negative my way of thinking had become. I haven't finished the book yet but since then, I made a conscious effort of changing my way of thinking. 98% of me was surprised to have chosen the happy path but 2% always knew I believed in fairy tales even though that has faded through the years. My theory of fairy tales will be for another day.

So today, I caught myself being tempted to take the negative path of life. I have been under the weather for a few days now due to cold and allergies so I'm feeling really unmotivated. My situation however is not allowing any of that. I have one more class to go until I finish my program then the real work begins with job hunting, which I'm kind of dreading. I attended a career search strategy seminar last week. I'm excited to get started but there is a lot of work involved. I need my good health back real soon. So, this morning, I started telling myself that I should just skip all the work I plan on doing today because I'm sick. Then out of nowhere, I asked myself which path I should take next as if my life is a story I read in Dan's post. Should I take the easy but unproductive way or should I choose to push on and do what I can because eventually I will get my happy ending? When I put it that way, it changed my attitude altogether. It didn't seem like such a stretch anymore to sit in front of my computer and start chippin' away at my project.

This might come naturally to others but I'm still getting to know myself and constantly learning. I was brought up in a very protective environment. My mom made all the decisions for me and did everything for me. It worked fine until I had to stand on my own two feet. It was a rude awakening. I don't blame her. She did the best she could and took really good care of me. I just have to make sure and remember to let my children learn to choose their own adventures with me as a guide but not the director.

From now on, I will ask that question when I'm at the crossroads of life, "Which path are you going to choose?" How about you, what techniques do you use to keep yourself in track?

In His Shoes

2011-02-04T21:45:00.000-08:00

Hubby and I are like cat and dog these past two days. We would go long stretches with being harmonious but sometimes, we just can't even be in the same room. We have been married for eleven years, twelve next month. To this day, we still sometimes fight like we don't even know each other. For some, you would say that's passion but I'm not so sure. We are both stubborn and both like to be leaders. He's the man of the house and wants things to be that way but I don't agree with that. I'd much rather have a partnership. I like equality, don't you?

So tonight, out of nowhere, a fight exploded. He annoyed the hell out of me and he couldn't take my "psycho logic" any longer. Yes, he said that about my reasoning. So he storms off and I was left thinking about things after crying a little bit and feeling rejected and alone. I hate being walked out on even if I didn't want to be in the same room as he is right after the argument. I guess I still wanted him under the same roof, just in a different room.

Anyway, I started thinking and this is what I came up with. I've already made up my mind about what happened and where he went wrong from my point of view. I was ready to counter attack when he came back I thought. Then after a pity party, I put myself in his shoes. I literally imagined seeing what took place through his eyes. It's amazing what my psyco logic concluded. Maybe this is nothing new to most but it was a revelation to me. I've never really put myself in someone's shoe to this extent, especially not in an "enemy's" perspective. So here it is. I understood where he was coming from. Anything I thought previously about my side and my feelings were void. He had a point, a reason to act the way he did. It doesn't mean my feelings were unfounded, just means that he didn't know exactly what was going on with me and just operated on the information that was visible to him. I'm not mad at him anymore. The negative feelings were neutralized after seeing what he saw. My feelings are still a little bruised though. Nothing that a good old wooing can't fix.

Secret Lives

2011-01-30T23:52:00.000-08:00

Image by Gustty via Flickr I just finished watching Mr. Brooks with Kevin Costner. I don't know why I have never heard of this movie before. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. I'm usually very good at predicting what's going to happen next in these thriller type movies but I couldn't nail Mr. Brooks down.

Which got me to thinking about secret lives of people. Everybody has a secret, that I believe. There's always something one is not proud of to admit. It could range from the completely benign to the outrageous. It can be as simple as a guilty pleasure or it can be a secret life such as mine- swinger. I want to know more about what other lifestyles you have or what you'd rather be than what you are right now. Some people dream of being rockstars, I dream of being a princess. :) It can be a dream job. You might be stuck in a cubicle but you really wish you were pursuing your dream of music.

I'd like to hear what you guys have to say. Of course, you can all post as anonymous as to keep whatever it is you have, a secret. It would be interesting to see what other people are not comfortable sharing with people they know. Go...

He is Every Man

2011-01-28T21:58:00.000-08:00

Image by law_keven via Flickr

You know that song by Whitney Houston, I'm Every Woman? Well, I found the male version, it's all in him. Lucky me, right? It's almost as if a higher power heard my request for the perfect guy, made him and sent him my way. Ok, he's not that perfect but who is? He's pretty close to my dream man though. He has blue eyes, he's over 6 feet tall, he's got the strong lean body I like in a guy, has nice big hands, nice and big down there too. He likes the same music I do, jazz, R&B and some Hip Hop. He does everything he could to keep me interested and happy. How did I get so lucky? He insists on paying for everything because he said men should take care of women. I'm all about gender equality but it's refreshing to have a guy who genuinely thinks I deserve to be treated the right way in that sense. He has a life but never makes me feel like I have to wait in line to fit in his schedule. As great as our time in the bedroom is, I enjoy him just as much outside. We can talk for hours without the awkward pause. He's a gentleman who can rock my world in bed. So when this man asked me to be his girlfriend, I couldn't refuse. That of course means, I'm not going to see any other boy toys but him. He's worth giving that up and it's been a fun ride. I hope the end is far. I'm jealous of the girl who will eventually own him completely someday. For now, I'll soak up every wonderful moment we have together.

A Plain Evening Turns Extraordinary

2011-01-22T21:46:00.000-08:00

Image via WikipediaWe met in August under very unexpected, unplanned circumstances. I was also strongly considering quitting the swinging lifestyle for good after having my heart broken over and over again. I began to grow tired of the search for the right man. I did not want just empty sex anymore, I wanted depth. I have been looking for this man for a while now but didn't know that I was going to find him that night. Nothing was special about the night. In fact I was on my way to meet someone else I haven't seen in a while and been planning to see for weeks.

I first laid eyes on his profile in a non-swinger dating site that was recommended by a friend. He wrote me first but I told him it was too bad I can't provide what he needs because his profile said he wanted to be in a long term relationship. He was quick to reply, "I may be looking for LTR but I still have needs." I like an honest guy. Big grin He hasn't stopped asking to meet me in person since.

Our schedules were always so hard to sync and finally that one night, the boy toy I was going to see had to push back our meeting time and I was all ready with nowhere to go so I asked if the new guy was free. Long story short, he had his son with him that week (he's divorced) so he couldn't leave his place on a short notice. I was welcome to come over and say hi he said as long as we're quiet so we don't wake his son up. The living room was right next to his son's room so we had to talk in his room. Very sneaky right? I was having second thoughts and felt so stupid for doing something so risky. I normally would meet these guys in public for obvious reasons. I thought he couldn't possibly try anything stupid because his son was there. His "son" could have been made up for all I know and yet I took the bait. I guess when it's right, it just happens. He was a perfect gentleman considering I was in his bedroom and even though he knows I was about to meet someone and have sex. He kept his distance and was very polite. As I was getting more comfortable, he started flirting with me but still waiting for my green light.

I finally let him kiss me and the rest was history. The guy I was going to meet that night didn't have condoms with him and wanted me to pick some up on my way to him. It was late for crying out loud. So, that was his last chance. Our lips met and he passed the kissing test. He was gentle and yet in control. He was on top of me and his leg applied well thought out pressure on my now quickly heating area between my legs. He hit just the right spot, made me want him more and soon. Oh, he's good! I unzipped his pants and there it was, the most handsome cock I've ever seen and yes, huge! Now, you wonder, does he have the skills to go with the size or is he one of those guys who feel they don't have to exert much effort because size will take care of it? Well, I'm glad to announce, he has skills too. This was turning out to be a special night. To be continued...

Update

2011-01-15T22:39:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, that's for sure. I lost my desire to blog because I surrendered. I felt like my whole world collapsed. Well, maybe not that extreme but it felt like everything was floating everywhere due to the absence of gravity. Gravity being, the one who rejected me.

Good news is, I've taken advantage of my status as being unemployed and I've finished little projects I've started years ago. Also, next month, on Valentine's Day, I will be done with my Program (something to do with the Software Industry). One other accomplishment of mine is finally closing that door of hoping for him to come back. Just a few days ago, I've finally given up on him and in this case, giving up is a good thing. I'm not gonna waste any more of my time explaining how he wronged me over and over again. I'm just happy and relieved that I finally got it through my very thick head.

Another good news is that I met someone. Ear to ear grin He is wonderful. I can even say he's heaven-sent. That story will be for another day.

Defeated

2010-07-03T23:41:00.000-07:00

All this time (a year now), I've been missing this man. I think about him a lot and fantasize about being with him again.

I saw him one day. Actually, he saw me and surprisingly got my attention and talked to me. I was not only dizzy from being stuck in traffic for an hour, I was also in major disbelief that I was standing right there in front of him. I was speechless for a few moments. It was like I was in a dream, I almost had to pinch myself. He looked better than I remembered and those eyes still pull me in like the strongest magnet there is. I wanted him to take me home, to pick up where we left off, to have a lot of my questions answered but that part was to remain a dream. He even seemed hesitant when I said we should get together again soon. Like someone was listening and he didn't want that person to hear. He said we will barbeque when I got back from our vacation.

Over a month had past and I didn't wan't to reach out to him. He should have my contact info. He hasn't contacted me longer than I'd like to admit. Overtime, i felt like it was a bad idea to even still dream of him. I slowly put him away from my mind and tried to remember it for the good times and finally accept that it was over and that it had served its purpose.

Then today I got invited to his barbeque party and I went. I was very nervous all day and not sure what I was doing. I didn't know how it's going to be. I was mortified of what it could bring and a little hopeful that something good was gonna come out of it. I have to admit that I was more afraid than excited. My guts were right. There were other people there so we couldn't even really talk. I had to pretend that I didn't know him that well and that long. The worst part, there was a girl there who might have replaced me. I couldn't tell for sure but I know she's been around his place more than i have been this past year and I hate her for that. I wish she had more substance though so it would be hard to hate her. She's not in shape but has huge boobs, she doesn't seem to have an ambition and the lights are on but nobody's home kind of girl. I sound really bitter because I am. I feel rejected and betrayed. If you're gonna replace me, find someone suitable.

Then again, maybe that's exactly the kind of person he needs right now. Maybe she's better than me in other ways that works better for him. I don't even think I can be around this group anymore. I was hoping for a lot of good things to come out from this. Closure, reconnection but neither one has been fulfilled. I think I was right about deciding to let it go. It's over, I just hope my heart realizes that too. At least I got to cuddle with his body pillow which is my absolute favorite; a piece of him I got to hold for a moment. It still hurts like hell. I've been defeated and left all bruised up and bloody on the ground.

Hurting

2010-06-30T21:39:00.000-07:00

They say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I'd like to believe that but why do I still hurt just as badly as if it's my first pain? My heart's been broken way too many times and you'd think that by now I would be used to it or at least build tolerance and not hurt as much but no such luck.

True, I've survived the past heartaches. I've even taught my heart to trust again, to let someone in again. I can even look back at those past relationships and appreciate them for the happy times it brought me.

It's the mourning I hate. I wish it goes by faster. I hope I recover quicker and be my bouncy self again in no time. I'm helpless, captive of waiting for relief. I can't look at the positive things, only the loss and the thought of never having the good things ever again because it's over. It almost feels like the only reason I open my heart is to let it get trampled on again. "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", comes into mind but is it really worth it? Right now, all I feel is the pain. It's so overwhelming that it towers over the happiness I had.

Silver lining:
The sadness and pain eventually goes away and I'm left with the happy memories that I can revisit anytime. Meeting and knowing the person does change me for the better. I may not be stronger for it but I am wiser from the experience. On second thought, perhaps I'm stronger because I open my heart again even after being hurt so badly. Afterall, picking yourself up from the ground after you've been knocked down does require strength.

Ms. Hopeless Strikes Again

2010-06-14T22:29:00.000-07:00

Here's another episode of me in all my hopeless glory. I was at the gym, later than usual, trying to just get it over with so I could go home and watch a movie when Mr. Perfect appeared underneath his hood. I couldn't see his face very well at first but I had my x-Ray vision on and I could see right through his clothes and oh my, what a view. Ok, he is a total eye candy with his well sculptured chest and butt. I'm sure the abs are no exception. *insert dreamy sigh here*

So what happened you wonder? I was mentally hitting myself on the head once more. My immediate reaction after drooling over him was total shyness and the urge to disappear. I moved away from him so that he was no longer in my line of sight to allow me to concentrate back on what I was there to do. Next thing I know, Mr. Perfect moved right across from me and glanced my way quite a bit. What did I do? Looked away and looked down and pretended he wasn't rocking my world just by looking hot. Maybe somehow I hoped that when I don't show interest, the guy would be challenged and would want to pursue me but then again I don't think it ever worked for me that way. What can I say...I'm hopeless. I moved again to be away from him and once again, he moved with me. It could be coincidence, I realize that but I could also have done something else other than running away. I could have smiled maybe when our eyes met but you know that's not possible when I think someone is hot. I just melt and my brain goes along with it. I got so uncomfortable that I finally left the building and kept mentally beating myself. Oh, what I would give to get a taste of that. YUM!

Unexpected Feelings

2010-03-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

Part I, Newbies Update

The swinger newbies decided they were not ready for couples. They will take baby steps by starting out with a single girl to add to the mix. The husband was surprised at the way he felt when he saw his wife kissing my husband. It bothered him a lot. Although us kissing helped quite a bit, it didn't help enough to get him over the hump. In retrospect, I'm glad it happened that night and not in the bedroom. One experience of the other man not being able to perform because he was too jealous is enough to last me a lifetime. I don't need an encore. The wife tried to talk me into fooling around with her alone. She apparently is very attracted to me. She only repeated those words a billion times that night. She repeated it again when she was sober. I told her I'm still a newbie when it comes to girls. I don't think I can play with girls alone at this point.

Part II, Older Blonde

My hubby and I attended his friend's birthday party and there were a lot of new faces. One face belonged to a blonde in her late forties. She is attractive, no doubt. She took good care of her body. She looked really good for her age. My husband talked to her for a long time and showed a lot of interest. It normally would not bother me but it did. The weird thing is that it wouldn't have bothered me if she was the same age as I am. It's the fact that she's older and my husband was interested that bugged me. Strange.. The same feelings surface when hubby shows interest and compliments a woman whom I don't find attractive at all. If I agree with his assessment, I'm fine. I'm one insecure girl, that's no secret.

Hubby seems to think that it bothers me when he finds someone attractive whom I don't feel is better looking than I am. In this case, I'm offended he finds a lady older than me to be attractive. He thinks that I feel that the only women worthy of his admiration in front of me are women who are comparable or women who look better than me. I wish I knew why I felt this way. All I know is I don't like the feeling.

"I See Stupid People"

2010-03-11T13:13:00.000-08:00

One of the things that irritates me is dealing with people who pretend they know what they are doing. I suppose they do this to make themselves look better. Unfortunately, I can see right through it and it just makes them look stupid and frustrates me to no end. It especially annoys me when it's my tax dollars that's putting food on their table.

I'm not talking about people with learning disability. I'm talking about people who are operating on very little knowledge on a certain subject then goes on acting like he knows more. Here's my message to people who fit the description.

If you don't know how to answer my question, don't waste my time by pretending that you do by giving me answers that are not relevant to my question. It's alright to admit you don't know the answer and simply direct me to someone who does. It saves us both time and saves you from looking like an idiot.

If any of you can relate, please share. I hope I'm not the only one who sees stupid people.

Swinger Newbies

2010-02-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

Image via Wikipedia

It's been a while since hubby and I had a swinger meet and greet date. Weirdly enough, I was very nervous. It was understood that it was only going to be an introduction and nothing more and yet, I can hear my heart beating loudly. Newbies have that effect on me. We had bad experiences with couples who are new to the lifestyle. They either are not sure what they want from it, hesitating and wasting our time or only one is really into it and the other one doesn't have much of a choice but to tag along.

The couple we met last night passed with flying colors and set a new standard for newbies in our book. She looked ten times better than her picture. I was actually attracted to her and her husband is not only a gentleman, he's trouble in the bedroom too, I can already tell. We started talking about random rated PG things and the more drinks came our way, the more naughty the conversation became.

After four glasses of martini, she became bolder. She told me how attracted she is to me and how much she loves sex. I would have never guessed this is their first time or that we're the first couple they have met. My husband was going on the same road she was on. Next thing you know, we're playing musical chairs. Her husband, as sweet as he is was clearly nervous. Unfortunately for us, neither one knows how to flirt while across the table, my husband and his wife we're going at it.

We tried to get comfortable through idle chitchat. I found out they thought kissing is too intimate for them and was supposed to only be for them. He didn't notice that his wife was already French kissing my husband. The poor thing, I can't imagine what must be going through his head at that moment. I was relieved to know that the no-kissing-rule was her idea and that she initiated the kiss with my husband. For the first time ever, I think I might have kissed a guy first. Our faces were only inches away from each other anyway so we can hear ourselves over the loud live music. I can tell he wanted to kiss me but hesitated. I went for it and it was great. We definitely have chemistry.

By now, our significant others are on the dance floor, mauling each other sexually. He still had disbelief on his face which was always relieved every time we kissed again. We joined them at the dance floor and kissed each other some more. He was grabbing my hair and caressing my body. I just wish I had more to drink and was not the designated driver because I was way too sober for what we were doing in public. I was too aware of the confused look our waitress gave us.

She wanted to sleep with us last night as indicated by my husband this morning. I know they needed to go home and talk about it first. I didn't want to rush them and didn't think she was able to think straight after all the drinks she had. We'll see where it goes. They're either enlightened or traumatized from last night. Hubby and I had a good time. Hubby is still smiling and I wish I was able to do more.

Filled

2010-02-05T18:59:00.000-08:00

The rising sun
brought hope back to life
First a flicker
now a burning light
Only a seed
Unlike the others
full potential is reached

A void no more
where one used to live
Joy is the new resident
My being quickly populated

But one resides uninvited
Fear
Of falling, of slipping
Of being empty once again

I Hope She's Right

2010-02-04T22:14:00.000-08:00

I waited for my name to be called at the Vital Statistics Office. My eyes are closed, I was deep in thought whether I parked at the right area, at the right time just to save a few dollars and risked getting towed, wishing I had just paid $10 and not worry about a thing. When I opened my eyes, I saw an old lady who looks to be in her seventies. Her brown and wrinkly skin paired with her tired eyes tells me that she has lived quite a hard life. She has a grocery plastic bag with at least four prescription medicine bottles inside. She looked determined. I closed my eyes again and tried to kick myself mentally about my parking decision.

The conversation in my head was disrupted by, "Excuse me, can you help me?" I looked up and was surprised to see the old lady. She had an accent but her English was very good. She proceeded to tell me that she needs to get a birth ceritificate for her godfather but she can't write. She gave me the information and her I.D. She was very grateful for my help and thanked me over and over.

Just before I left, I wished her luck because she didn't have all the information for the form. She got up from her chair and shook my hand firmly and gave me a hug. The kind of hug you would give to a relative or a close friend. She thanked me again and said that my good deed will come back to me. I hope she's right. I found my car still parked where I left it. Not a bad start.

Heavy

2010-01-28T16:30:00.000-08:00

Brick thrown into the ocean
Defenseless against gravity
Unbearable weight on my back
Solace is among the stars
Exhausted
Defeated by endless rejection
My beating heart.

My Silence

2010-01-26T22:38:00.000-08:00

I didn’t disappear for a while there because I had some matters of the heart to sort out. That was definitely part of the struggles I had but not the major one. November, I received news that would change my life as I knew it.

Image Source

I was one of the many who finally joined the unemployed population. Our whole department was shut down and moved to another state. After working there for years, I can't say I've never wondered what life is like outside of my cube. I always had an excuse for staying where I was. When we first heard of the news, I had mixed emotions. Part of me was excited for the new opportunity I now have but scared at the same time for the unknown. There were always daydream of how much greener the other side would be but never once did it occur to me that there would be a lot of work involved in caring for that grass and making it as green as it is in my dreams. I guess the innocent side of me or rather the naïve side just thought or maybe hoped it would be handed out to me already green. Dum Dum!

Torn, that's what I am right now. Excited but lost. People I know think I have it made not having to go to work anymore. Of course these are the people who still have their jobs. Funny how time should be in abundance now that I'm unemployed but I still feel like I'm chasing it. Yes I do have more flexibility now with my time, I just have to learn how to manage it better and have a routine. I'm a creature of structure and right now, it's all chaos. I still feel like I don't have enough time to do things I truly enjoy. I haven't even played much lately.

Looking for a job is not all fun and games, in fact, it's no fun at all. While I'm doing that week after week, I'm also working on going back to school for software engineering. It always ends up to be more work that I first anticipate it to be and becoming more and more overwhelmed. My days have been filled with worry, research and headache with this whole going back to school business. I hope it's all going to be worth it in the end.

So that's why I was quiet for a while.

Missed

2010-01-25T15:44:00.000-08:00

I always blamed my insecurity to the fact that there never seemed to be any boy I liked who reciprocated my feelings when I was younger. A few nights ago, I was unaware that my belief was all about to change.

Approximately fifteen years ago, I met a boy who was in his late teens. I fell head over heels in crush with him. I was very young and pure. I met him through a religious conference. I joined for the sake of extra points in my report card but unexpectedly found faith and him.

He must have known how I felt, after all, my friends talked and I blushed whenever he was near. He is a few years older than I am and was a leader in this religious group so the kindness he had shown me was one of an older brother's and nothing more or so I thought. Nothing ever happened.

Then last week, I found him through an online social network. He remembered me. I didn't expect that. What he revealed next was even more unexpected.

Here’s his side of the story: He wanted me badly but was forced to keep it to himself due to his role in this group. He didn't want his superiors or the nuns in my school to think he took advantage of his role. He told me I was too young for him to protect us both. He admired me from afar and wished there could be more between us but his hands were tied. He wished he had kissed me when we danced once. He told himself he would take care of me when we went on a weekend trip for a conference. I told him that I thought the reason for his distance was that I just was not good enough with all the rich, pretty girls who were drooling over him. He said I was way beyond that. When I was around, he didn’t see anyone else. It sounds corny but knowing him, it seemed very sweet and genuine. What he told me next melted my heart. One weekend, he went to my boarding house and found out I went home. I live about an hour and a half away. He went to my little town and stood at the waiting shed of the bus stop, for a chance to maybe see me. He didn't have my address, he just knows I live in that town. That right there proved to me that he had strong feelings. It’s romantic even. Of course this is all news to me. When I told him I was leaving and getting married, it broke his heart. Still, this is all news to me. I never saw him or heard from him again after that.

My heart aches for what could have been and for what he went through. He says he wished he hadn't cared about what other people thought. Now, he's married with three children about the same age as mine and he lives thousands of miles away. I felt a rush of validation and all of a sudden remembered all the other times when boys I liked actually liked me back. Funny how memory betrays you sometimes. Our reconnection was a bittersweet one. I was overjoyed to know how he felt but sad that now, it can never be. I started wondering what life would have been if I ended up with him. The answer, I wouldn't change a thing. My life may not be perfect but I love my family. I can't imagine life without my babies.

Another You

2010-01-17T23:38:00.001-08:00

I wouldn't call myself a big John Mayer fan but I do like some of his songs. I was working away online when I heard this song and felt like he spoke from my heart so I wanted to share this with you.

I'm Gonna Find Another You

It's really over, you made your stand
You got me crying, as well as you planned
But when my loneliness is through, i'm gonna find another you

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from blue
I'm gonna find another you

When i was your lover
No one else would do
If i'm forced to find another i hope she looks like you
Yeah and she's nicer too

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now i'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do
Oh i'm gonna find another you

Anticipation

2009-10-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

I hunger for what I want
like a lion eyeing it's prey.
Fueled by lust, by curiosity
by what can and what will be.
Waiting anxiously
like the dessert for the rain.
Longing ever constant,
thirsty for days.
Impatient to sink my teeth, my claws
into this delicious fantasy.
On the verge of an orgasm
but not quite reached the peak.
Hopeful that all the waiting
will satiate the long awaiting beast.

You Win

2009-10-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember,
you kept me at arm’s length.
A little window here, a little crack there,
but never the full open view.
You invite me in your life
but never let me in.
You built walls around yourself
I can only dream of crumbling.
You wear an impermeable armor,
I can never take off.

I pushed and I pulled.
I loved and I hated.
Opened my senses,
learned to compromise.

Try as I may
all my efforts are futile.
You win.

When Hope Dies

2009-10-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

Joy, dreams, memories die with it.
Clouds mirror my state of being,
quietly sobbing with me
like a loyal companion to a grieving friend.
My stomach growls, hurting
in the process of devouring me
into oblivion.
Starved for a handful of dirt
in your acres of affection.
Crumbs, a single drop, a second thought,
is that what I've come to believe I'm worth?
I was born today many years ago,
but today I bury hope,
my heart's wake.

Reading Epiphany

2009-10-16T14:07:00.000-07:00

To my darling husband

A foreign concept, a mere idea
as distant as another world.
A belief aided partly by poverty,
and partly by ignorance.
The lack of aroused interest.

Shelves full of books,
mind filled with awe,
possibilities never ending.
You inspire me.

Caught a whiff of a glorious symphony,
felt the allure of a place beyond my own.
My tongue unearthed the voice of loss,
witnessed distress that rattled my core,
challenged my soul.

I am awakened,
awareness echoing off
the walls of my existence.

Here's Hoping

2009-10-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

Hope sees possibilities,
hears a melody,
smells fragrant flowers,
tastes sweet candy.
Feels magical beyond belief,
lives inside of me.

Hope stays, lingers,
blossoms like spring.
Remains in my heart like
music stuck in my brain.
Stubborn, persistent like a
suitor standing in the rain.

I hope you come.
I hope you stay.
I hope what we had
is forever and a day.

My Heart, My Youth

2009-10-14T15:42:00.000-07:00

Balloon
Once full of vibrance
Full of life
A reason to smile
To dream and to believe

Pricked by the painful needle of life
Too many times
Steadily and quickly
My heart, my youth slithers
Away from it's once beautiful
Once innocent home

Neither tape nor gauze
Can patch the damage

Trapped in a cage
Unable to move, unable to leave
Unable to change what's unfolding

Spectator of my own balloon
Deflating out of control
Until it's lost its meaning
Now reduced to only a distant memory

My Crush on the Bus

2009-10-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

About a couple years ago, a man who rides my bus caught my attention. He has deep blue eyes, nice pointy nose, kissable healthy looking lips, about 6'4" tall and wearing a wedding ring. Two years ago, I was different, I didn't swing. I know he's off limits and so was I so the admiration went on harmlessly.

Photo Source

Time passed, bus routes changed and I never saw him again until about four months ago or so. He looks at me like someone would towards someone whom he recognizes. This time, I'm a swinger and know that our situation has changed. I looked at his hand to find the ring and to my surprise, it's no longer there. My heart skips a beat. Blood rushes to my head. I'm excited with all the possibilities but do I do anything about it? Yes, I dream.

He looks at me every time he hops on the bus and sits across me then reads his book. I pretend to read my book or fiddle with my IPhone but I'm really memorizing his face, imagining how his lips would feel on mine and on the sensitive parts of my body. I tingle all over just thinking of what could be. All he has to do is look me in the eye and I freeze.

He sits right next to me one day and I about died on my seat. His arms brushed mine and I jerked my arm away from him, involuntarily. He looks at me and mumbles, "I'm sorry" but I swear I just saw his mouth moved and the whole world stopped and then resumed in slow motion. What did the sex goddess in me do? Smile back like a goofball. I was so nervous that my smile showed just how painful it was for me to manage a smile. I wanted to hit myself right after I realized how unattractive and dorky I must have looked. Way to go sexy. And to think people usually compliment my smile. I let myself down.

As much of a horn dog as I am, I'm really shy when it comes to men or women who I find very attractive. I melt and they don't even have to say anything to me. I don't think I will ever gather the courage to talk to this guy. If he's even interested, I'm sure my wedding ring would stop him from doing anything. My friend said I should dump my drink on him or lick and suck on a straw or even wink at him. No way! I could never do any of those things unless I'm drunk. Now, if any of you have any suggestions how I can break the ice, I'd gladly consider.

I still wonder what it would be like to play with him. I've imagined a lot of naughty things I want to do to him and with him. If only.

Change is Good

2009-09-28T10:53:00.000-07:00

I was at the bookstore the other day. This is one of the places where I can find my center. Walk around a bit, look at the new books, listen to the relaxing music in the background for the most part and sip my latte. Walk combined with music and caffeine, I can't go wrong there.

This particular quote by Anais Nin caught my eye, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the ris k it took to blossom." How true in my case. I was very young when I first set foot in America. The immigration officer who interviewed me told my mom and I that I am very young and I am sure to change. I thought to myself that day that I will never change and I'll never forget the values instilled in me by my parents.

Photo Source

Here again, I was very young, not exposed to very much and thought that what I learned from Church and the nuns who ran my school were the one and only truth. That everything else is pretty much wrong. That if you're not Catholic, you're an outcast. I had no concept of other religions and beliefs. I had the if you're not with us, you're against us mentality. Now that I know better, that was awful and it's awful that so many innocent minds still believe that wholeheartedly to this very day just like I did.

Religion aside, I thought that changing was the wrong thing to do. I thought I had to stand my ground and preserve myself no matter what it took, no matter how hard it will be. I quickly learned that if I was to survive and adapt, I would have to embrace a Japanese proverb that says, "The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists." So I started bending. It wasn't easy. Bending can give you back pain but bending was way better than breaking.

Shag, Marry, Kill

2009-09-27T20:18:00.000-07:00

A post from Moments of Perfect Clarity made me smile. I'm in the dumps right now as far as mood is concerned so this is a big deal to read something that lightened my load a bit. It's a game called Shag - Marry - Kill. The rule of the game is to make a list of celebrities and share whether you want to shag, marry or kill them. I'd like to see your list too. :)

1. Gerard Butler - Shag and then shag some more and more and more.

2. Sean Connery - Shag in her 007 times.

3. George Clooney - Shag, you saw that one coming.

4. Jessica Alba - Shag

5. Clint Eastwood - Definitely shag then marry, when he was younger of course.

6. Matt Damon - Shag

7. Kevin Costner - Shag

8. Robert Redford - Shag, again, when he was younger.

9. Christian Bale - Shag over and over then marry.

10. Alec Baldwin - Shag, when he did Red October.

11. Hugh Jackman - Marry then shag whenever I want.

12. Richard Gere - Marry when he was young.

13. Chris Pine - Shag! that was no surprise!

14. Matthew McConaughey - Shag and then shag some more, maybe marry.

15. Charlize Theron - Shag

Ok, maybe I should have renamed the game Shag - Marry. I didn't feel like killing anyone tonight. Call me a wuss. Now, it's your turn.

Too Liberated for a Filipina

2009-09-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

Someone just said that I'm too liberated for a Filipina and I just want to address that here a little bit to set the record straight. Hopefully, after this post, I won't read anymore comments similar to this one.

I have never been a believer of general statements. No matter what group you are trying to describe, there's always an exception to the rule. There are a lot of people who haven't had the chance to travel the world or to be exposed to situations, places and people different from their own and what they're used to. Whatever the case may be, these people are confined to the corner of the world they live in. It's not their fault and I'm not saying that to be insulting nor am I demeaning them in any way. I'm merely stating a fact and illustrating why they say what they say and why they think that way.

Having lived in Seattle for years now and meeting so many different kinds of people, I know that everyone's unique and that it's ridiculous to think you can lump them all in one category. I'm also aware that as much as these people sound like all Filipinas living in the Philippines are a certain way, they're not. Just like any other race, there are always the ones who are considered the black sheep or in my case, the ones who go against the grain.

Some adjectives used to describe a typical Filipina which I don't possess are patient, non believer of divorce and religious. I'll be first to admit I have a temper and I'm very impatient. I am working on that and know it's not a good thing. Sometimes, I justify it as having passion.

My post about divorce will give you an idea of where I stand on that subject matter.

I used to be religious but now I'm spritual. I don't believe in going to Church every Sunday because that's what you're supposed to do. I'll go if I want to but not because grandma tells me to. I believe there is a God and that He is everywhere so if I need to talk to him, I can do it wherever I am. I just don't have much faith in organized religion anymore and I have my reasons.

I'm sure that my sexual orientation and lifestyle are taking a lot of the heat from that comment. I've said it before and I'll say it again. There are a lot of Filipina women who are swingers. Then again, they live in the U.S. too. I can't speak for the ones who live in the Philippines. Bottom line is that my husband and I have been married for ten years and we have had our ups and downs. We both agreed to becoming swingers and as hard it is to believe, it is doing more good than bad in our marriage. It's an unconventional way to bring two people closer together but it has spiced things up for us. If for any reason, he feels this is not working out anymore, I'd be more than happy to stop. My family is still the most important thing for me. This whole swinging thing is just another activity for us, a hobby if you may. It's an adventure and not many couples can say that they're secure and that they're relationship is strong enough to handle such challenge. This is an experiment and so far, it's working in our favor.

I was born and spent some years in the Philippines so I still have some of the typical traits expected of a Filipina. I'm still understanding, caring, supportive, family oriented and well educated . I'm going to stop now before this starts sounding like a dating service ad. The point being is that I chose which traits to keep and which ones to change. Change is not such a bad thing. It's been intrumental in my survival in a different country.

It's clear to me that I don't belong in the Filipina category anymore according to some people who have made such comments. So I looked deep inside to figure out who I am now. Gutzon Borglum once said in How to Segregate The American Girl, "The Western girl has her nostrils filled with the free air of great open regions of her childhood. She is almost wild in her demand for freedom. She walks alone, she thinks alone, and she isn't much concerned whether you agree with her or not. She constiture herself her own chaperon." Mr. Borglum hit it right on the head. That's me now, an American girl, one part of it anyway. With America being so diversed, it's hard to say what typical really is.

When it comes right down to it, I'm an individual. It doesn't matter where I was born or what color my skin is. I'd prefer to be seen and treated as a human being and not be lumped into a particular stereotype. I made my choices and I deal with the consequences. I think for myself and I don't blindly follow what society tells me to. I'm not hurting anyone and I expect the same. I learn as I go and believe in living my life to the fullest even if it's not what others consider the norm. That's me a nutshell. If you don't like it, you can move on to the next person.

A little tip to the future readers who can't handle who I am. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Guilty Pleasures

2009-09-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

RdGarnet has a post about her guilty pleasures and it inspired me to make a list of my own just for fun. Here we go.

Photo Source

Boy toys, boy toys and oh, did I mention boy toys?
Double tall latte
My new bunny vibrator
Gossip
Deep fried stuff
Watching crap on TV
Spending way too much time online
Blowjobs *blushes*
Sexy shoes
My favorite drink beautiful
Buying books I don’t have time to read
Eating out
Going to the movies
Sending text messages while at work
Clubbing

First Charcoal Drawing

2009-09-14T22:44:00.000-07:00

When I was in first grade, our math teacher gave us an assignment. We are to draw frogs jumping from one number to the other to illustrate multiplication. Why we needed to draw the stupid frogs was beyond me. I was in first grade for crying out loud. Why couldn't it have been hearts or stars or anything simpler than a frog. I am very competitive even back then. My classmate Edward S. has a talent for drawing. He had no problem making frog after frog and they look pretty close to the one on our math book. Everyone was asking him to draw frogs for them so I asked too. To my disappointment, he refused to draw me one, for God knows what reason. I cried and cried some more afraid I was going to score very low for not having a stupid frog on my sheet.

I came home that day determined to learn how to draw. I didn't stop until I finally made something that resembled a frog. I never stopped drawing until life's demands didn't leave me much time for it anymore.

I had forgotten about my love for drawing until I saw Dean's Nudes. It awoken a desire in me. It fanned the amber of my passion for creating. I had bought drawing materials a couple of months ago, not sure what I wanted to do with it. It's been collecting dust in some corner of my house.

I took it out the night hubby was out of town, after the kids have gone to bed. It was just me, the paper and the charcoal pencil and a picture for a model. I had no idea what I was gonna come up with. it's been so long, I was sure I was rusty. I started with very tense hands reflecting my current state. Gradually, my hand relaxed and so did my lines. This is the very first time I've used charcoal and had no idea how to work with it. I didn't think I could erase it so what you see is my drawing in it's original form. No backsies. When I started drawing the line along the spine, I thought I had messed it up royally because it came out very harsh and heavy. I tried to erase it with my fingers and that's how I found my technique for blending the charcoal. It's still pretty much a hit and miss tactic but I didn't quit. I just kept going until I was satisfied with it.

I later read about charcoal and learned that I can use an eraser and it should do wonders to my next attempt. Thanks for the inspiration Dean! :)

Guys with Kids

2009-08-29T17:57:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of those Saturday nights spent alone deal. By choice. I'm sure I could have found someone to hang out with but I'm having those moods. The one where I only want to hang out with specific people and of course as my luck would have it, none of them are available. I refuse to settle so here I am, all alone in Red Robin's lounge area feeling just a bit pathetic. If it wasn't Saturday night, I might not feel as bad but hey, I made my choice so now I have to live with it.

As I was trying to act cool on my seat, a guy walks in and I can almost see light behind him. YUM!!! I noticed he was carrying a baby carrier. Double YUM! Behind him is this older woman. I'm guessing she's the mom eventhough she looks too old for him. He also looked too handsome for her but who am I to question love. For all intents and purposes of my daydreaming, that was his mom.

Back to his hotness. I realized that I've always been attracted to guys with children. There's just something so sexy about a guy with a child. I think it's the hope that they are responsible, gentle, selfless and caring. Also, that they have some level of commitment. If you make me choose between twins, same hot looking guys, one with a child and one without, you can bet I'll jump on the one with a kid. There, I said it.

Toy Shopping with Ashley

2009-08-28T17:09:00.000-07:00

The day has come. I couldn't make excuses anymore. It was our day to go toy shopping and it's the first time I'll see her by myself after our steamy night together. It wasn't easy to make the decision to just do it. I was a nervous wreck, worse so that when I'm about to meet a new boy toy. I didn't know how to behave or what to say. I've forgotten how to even breathe. I realized I have crush on her.

I have never had a girl crush before and I feel like I was new to the whole crush scene all over again. I was shaking inside and my palms were cold and sweaty. I gave her a hug then wondered if I should have given her a kiss. I also wondered if I should have walked her to her car when we were done shopping. I don't know how I should behave in this girl on girl relationship as I've never been on one.

She looked just as gorgeous as I remembered when she stepped out of her car. There's just something about the way she sways those hips when she walks that just so irresistible. So feminine, so sexy, so hypnotic and so begging me to take charge. I think she was a bit nervous too. We had dinner and a little chitchat. I was slowly regaining my composure and get off track again when she gives me those bedroom eyes. There was a lot of awkward moments and nervous laugh. I had a headache because I was so nervous but I made it out alive.

We made it to Lovers without touching each other. We giggled and oooohed and aaaahed at the different dildos and other sexy things. I ended up getting a bunny and she got a strap on. I wonder who she's gonna use it on? Hmmm... She sure was excited about it. I told her I was bringing my brand new strap on as well when we meet again and show our men our new toys. With that we parted with a hug and it was still awkward. I don't know if I should have kissed her. I am however anxiously waiting if she's going to take my offer of being my partner in crime in making my boy toy's fantasy of pleasuring two women at once come true.

So Unusually Happy

2009-08-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

My heart if full. If feels like it can't contain the warm and fuzzy feeling inside any longer and it will burst. When it does, there will be butterflies, rainbows, confetti and sparkles everywhere. The sun finally comes out of hiding from behind the dark clouds.

Yes, that's how I'm feeling right now. So unusual, so unexpected but I welcome it with arms wide open. Was it the double tall latte? Is it because it's Friday? I think not. I've had lattes and Fridays before but I never felt like I do now. I think that's what makes this feeling so wonderful because it has no rhyme or reason, it just is. I'm usually this giddy and happy if I'm about to meet someone I really like spending time with or about to do something I really enjoy. That's understandable and expected but to feel this great and not know why makes me feel special. It's like being given an unexpected gift that I have wanted forever but couldn't afford.

I wish I can share it with everyone. I wish I can touch people and let them feel exactly what I'm feeling. It's so wonderful. *smiles* The best I can do is inform the world it does exist and it can happen to you when you least expect it. I wish it stays forever but for now, I'll just enjoy it and be grateful it came to me. Here's wishing I'll pass it on to you.

Have you ever felt like this before? If you know the reason why you're happy, that's wonderful too and I want to hear your stories. This world can use uplifting stories every now and then to give hope to the rest who have been unfortunate and to remind them the world still has good things in it and to not give up.

Potty Mouth

2009-08-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

I call people and tell them to pay up for a living. Yes, a wonderful job, a job I was given without my permission but hey, it's a job nonetheless so who's complaining? I used to but not anymore. There's actually a gratifying part of the job where I can help them lower the amount they owe using my fee reversal power. Other than that, every call is a surprise. I never know what I'm gonna get. It's safe to assume that they're mostly going to be unhappy people considering I'm asking them to part with their money in this economy. Best time to move me over to this function boss, thanks! There are the occasional happy-no-matter-what type of people and they inspire more than they'll ever know but there are the awful ones as well. Take this one for example:

Me: Hello, is Jeffrey available?
Asshole: There is no Jeffrey here you stupid bitch!

Ouch! How did he know my first and middle name without me telling him? Mind reader? Seriously, that left me speechless and with a lump in my throat. What did I ever do to him? Anyway, just another day in paradise. That's what I tell myself every morning.

Do you have any interesting, funny, weird or just mind boggling things happen to you at work? Do tell...

Things Taken for Granted

2009-08-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

Oftentimes, we are so used to things and people around us that we take them for granted. Once in a while, something happens that reminds me to be thankful.

I heard a story about a mom who went to work every day as if nothing was wrong. Someone found out that she had been living in her car with her little boy because they lost their house. They got the help they needed through the company she was working for, thanks to the concerned citizen.

I complain a lot about how messy my house gets and how the space feels like it keeps getting smaller instead of being thankful for having a house and keeping my babies safe and warm. A story like that one put some sense back into my ungrateful head in an instant, leaving me a bit embarrassed for even complaining one bit.

How about you? Have you ever lost sight of the big picture? I'm looking forward to hearing your stories.

Foursome, Anyone?

2009-08-17T21:10:00.000-07:00

Photo Source

Last week, hubby and I met a couple in their early twenties. I wasn't physically attracted to the guy. He was about 5'9" tall and a little too scrawny for my taste. The girl on the other hand was very sweet, nice and attractive. The four of us had chemistry for sure. That's usually the biggest challenge with foursomes or a bigger group; the more people you throw in the mix, the more chances there will be of having people not getting along. We met husbands in the past who were just intimated by my hubby. We also had a very nice couple whom we got along with really well but I felt like the fly on the wall or the extra wheel. Kyle and Ashley were different in the sense that everybody was comfortable and laughing at everyone's attempt to make a joke. My hubby has a dry sense of humor and more often than not, he's misunderstood. Poor baby.

We met them yesterday for drinks at 3:30 in the afternoon at a sports bar by the water in Edmonds, Washington. We played three games of pool while I was trying to relax. After my second cranberry vodka, I was feeling pretty good. The truth was I was nervous as hell because it's been a while since the last time we played with another couple. I also had a very strong attraction to Ashley. She's my absolute type as far as the ladies go. She had the angelic, innocent face but you know she's naughty deep down. The lip ring and the tongue stud hardly affected her innocent look. She did not have any make-up on and yet she looked very beautiful. She's very soft spoken, an angelic voice to match the angelic face. It didn't hurt that she has huge natural breasts.

We drank some more beers when we got to their place and the conversation was quickly turning naughty. I was feeling very uncomfortable. I felt buzzed, dizzy, a bit sick, nervous and shy at the same time. I hated myself for a bit for feeling the way I did. It seemed like they were all ready and waiting for my lacey thong to come off. Just as I thought we were finally going to do it, Kyle's mom called and asked for a ride. I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say that hubby and I ended up waiting about an hour before we could resume our fun night. It sure helped me gather myself together though. When they got back, I was ready and pretty sober by now too.

Photo Source

Ashley is comfortable being bisexual. Me, not so much. I'm very picky when it comes to girls and I'm just not that experienced with the ladies. She took me to their room and the men eagerly followed. She took her halter top off and released the girls. Oh my! They were calling me. Slowly but surely, I warmed up especially when she started kissing me. Her mouth hardware were a bit strange for me but I was too distracted by the huge tits in my hands and her hands massaging my ass. The men were watching quietly with obvious lust growing within them.

I led Ashley to the bed and kept kissing her while she successfully took off the only piece of fabric left between us, my black and pink thong. Her hands quickly found my awaiting pussy. My kiss was slowly moving south. I kissed her neck then lightly touched her nipples with my tongue, teasing them with circular motion. I kept going down. I kissed her tummy, then the area around her belly piercing. I blew on her clit lightly just to give it a little tingle. As she raised her hips towards me, I kissed her on the tummy again, teasing her some more. Then when she least expected it, I licked her clit. First, I was licking it like it was ice cream then it became a hungry licking and sucking. She started to moan and I wasn't sure if I was too rough but she assured me it was all pleasure. She motioned for me to turn around so she can taste me too.

I was a little shy knowing our men are watching us. I felt very naughty having her all to myself and not sharing so I invited the men to join us and they eagerly accepted. There were hands and bodies everywhere and Kyle is hung like a horse. I couldn’t get myself to stay away from Ashley for very long though so after I made out with Kyle, I turned around and found myself on Ashley’s tits again. Kyle just took that as an opportunity for doing me doggy style. I was happily kissing and sucking Ashley’s nipples. Ashley’s mouth was also enjoying my breasts while playing with my clit. All the while, Kyle was fucking me from behind and hubby was pleasing Ashley orally. We were like that for a little bit until I came hard.

Kyle pulled me and wanted me to ride his cock. Beside him is Ashley who was kissing my husband. That position didn’t do much for me so I laid down beside Ashley. Just as I started playing with Ashley, Kyle pulled me towards the edge of the bed with my ass up in the air. He entered my pussy and it felt heavenly. He was holding my hips ever so gently while picking up speed with his pumping. Hubby went away for a water break and I took over his position in the pussy department. So I now had a huge cock in my pussy, clit on my mouth, nipples on my left hand and pussy around my right index and middle fingers. I enjoyed hearing Ashley moan with pleasure I was responsible for. I was moaning like crazy myself. The cock felt amazing but the sensation of touching and feeling the softness of a woman on top of that was euphoric.

Hubby came back in the room when Kyle and Ashley were taking a break in the living room. I sucked his cock for a little bit until it was ready for action again. When his cock was soaked with my pussy juice, we called in Ashley for reinforcement and there she was with her sweet voice and willing smile.

She was on all fours, hubby was pounding her from behind and I was underneath her licking and sucking her pussy and ocassionally licked and played with hubby’s balls too. The sight of hubby’s cock penetrating that pussy turned me on tremendously. Watching his cock go in and out of that pussy and slamming it harder and harder unleashed the sex animal in me.

The night ended with satisfied smiles plastered on our faces. Ashley and I are going toy shopping next week.

Helicopter Ride, Literally

2009-08-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

Lee’s profile:

Gender: Man
Age: 39 years old
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Marital Status: Single
Height: 6 ft 2 in / 187-190 cm
Body Type: Athletic
Smoking: I'm a non-smoker
Race: Caucasian
Eye Color: Blue

I met Lee around April of 2008 for drinks at a sports bar in downtown Seattle. I was only about a month into the swinging world. He was nice, very mellow and he sounded so much like one of my husband’s close friend. He worked for a local TV news channel at that time. He was one of their helicopter pilots. We were toying with the idea of me giving him a blowjob while he’s flying the helicopter. It sounded hot on paper.

He offered to give me a tour of the news channel building and a helicopter ride too. I couldn’t say no to adventure. We stayed in a conference room close to the rooftop which was almost always vacant. I was a nervous wreck with all the windows and door open. I was so afraid someone was going to walk in on us. He was very reserved the whole time just waiting for my signal. When I told him to take charge, boy, was I surprised! There were fireworks when we kissed and an oh so fluid rhythm. I found myself straddling him while he was sitting on a chair. I was very aroused as I was grinding my hips on him.

Even after he closed the blinds on the window, I was still very uneasy. So he took me to the closet and started wildly making out with me. He was kissing me hungrily which I really enjoyed while managing to take off my pants and thong. Next thing I knew, I was on the floor on all four while he was diligently licking and kissing my pussy and ass hole. That was a new sensation to me and made me feel a bit uncomfortable but it no doubt felt really good. I was soaking wet when he instructed me to get up. He picked me up and pinned me on the wall with my legs around him. That was another new thing for me and it sent me to orbit. There was no penetration yet at this point but I was so excited and the feeling of being suspended in midair and completely under someone’s control was just amazing.

The only missing is piece is a hard cock. Where was it you ask? I have no idea. Yes, he couldn’t get it up. He told me he was too concerned about someone walking in or someone calling him for duty which in about a few seconds did happen. He had to go fly the helicopter for some breaking news that they had to cover and I didn’t have enough time to put my thong back on so I stuffed it in my pocket while we hurried to the helicopter. For about half the time we were up there looking over the nice view of downtown Seattle and the water, I was still in disbelief of what just happened. Let’s just say I couldn’t fully appreciate the view or where I was because my mind was still in the hot, steamy closet.

We met again for coffee close to his place one afternoon. This time, I was intent on finding out just how good he feels when he’s hard inside me. Sadly, it still didn’t happen. It was difficult to not take it personally. Needless to say, I was very disappointed. He said it wasn’t me; he just has a mental block with women who have children. I didn’t understand why he even bothered with me when he knew that I’m a mommy from the very beginning. I was resentful for being his guinea pig. He supposedly moved to another state shortly after that. It was too bad because we really got along well outside of the bedroom. I had a good time with him at the museum once.

Earlier this year, I receive a text message from him after not hearing from him this whole time. He’s back in the Northwest and is now ready for me. I was then busy with another boy toy and I didn’t feel like opening myself up for another disappointment.

Roller Coaster Ride with Mr. DJ

2009-08-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

Photo Source

My husband and I were at our swinger friend's birthday party about a year ago. I had one object of lust that night, the DJ they hired. He's 27 years old, 6'4 feet tall, brown eyes, dark hair, weighs 200 pounds and looked innocent enough to corrupt.

My girl friend pushed me towards his direction because I was too shy to do anything with the obvious attraction I had for him. I may be a swinger but I'm very shy. Yes, even after a few drinks, I still can't gather enough courage to come up to a guy and ask him to dance with me. So when I finally made it to his side, I was very nervous and pretended to be interested in his spinning. It ended with my friend giving him my phone number.

He never called me so I asked my friend for his MySpace account so I can contact him. He informs me that he just started a relationship and really want to see where it goes. I'm not one to break relationships just to serve my own selfish urges even though I really wanted him bad. I told him to let me know if it didn't work out.

Last week, I got a text message from a number I didn't recognize saying that I should check my MySpace. I knew it was him. I was touched that he saved my number. "What would you say if I told you I broke up with my girlfriend?" was the e-mail I received. I told him I'm sorry it didn't work out and I never thought this day would come.

On Aug 11, Tuesday, I met him for pizza and beer. He looked nice but not as cute as I originally thought but then again, it's been a year. He didn't recognize me either. I'd like to think I look better now than I did. We were both very nervous. He's the second non-swinger guy I have pursued and I wasn't sure how to go about it with him. He wasn't as innocent as I thought either. He likes to party and is quite naughty. It was a night of revelations. Underneath that sexy Nick-Lachey-hat is a balding guy. It added ten years on him. I'm not that shallow so I tried to not let that bother me.

We went back to his place and it went from awkward to even more awkward. Finally he kissed me but there was no fireworks or wobbly knees. We didn't have the rhythm. We went to his bedroom and I was hopeful. He has an average size tool and I couldn't wait to sample it. I enjoy giving oral sex. He was very quiet the whole time while looking at me with no expression on his face. It almost felt like I was sucking someone else's dick while he watched. He didn't seem to enjoy it at all. I was still hopeful. The actual sex was actually pretty decent. It felt good and he made me cum and was able to hold off until I got mine. He was a little rough at first but he listened and went to a rhythm that sent me to an orgasm. He was running his fingertips all over my skin. It was a nice tingly feeling. He also planted gentle kisses on my neck, back and arms. I really enjoyed that part.

While I was trying to catch my breath, he was clearly uneasy and asked, "now what?". I told him to relax and enjoy the moment. I can tell he was preoccupied. It must be weird for him to be with another woman after thirteen months of the same girl in that same bed we just fucked in. I also later found out that the ex-girlfriend asked him back in her life that morning. He didn't know what to do with me. I told him it's just sex and to not worry about a thing then he smiled and said this is so much better. Then he asked if it was OK to cuddle. That made me melt. I love a guy who likes to cuddle. There's nothing better after sex than lots of cuddling.

The whole night was a roller coaster ride. There were definitely some lows but there were some very positive things too. I was very hopeful that he was going to be my regular boy toy to replace the one I still miss very much. He fit the bill at first until I got to know the real him. Then again, I finally know what it's like to have sex with him and it was an overall good experience.

At Long Last

2009-08-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

Photo Source

If I had taken a picture of myself last night, it would look just like that one shown above. Yes! It was quite something.

I met Matt about a year ago at a bookstore, for coffee. Immediately, we felt a strong connection. It was so strong that we wanted to rip each other's clothes off right there in the middle of all those books under the flourescent lighting. There was nothing sexy about where we were but I can feel just how much he wanted to have his way with me right there. I had to keep moving away from him, trying not to blush too much because what I saw in his eyes was raw lust. It ended with a hug at the parking lot as we parted ways and then I received a message from him confirming what I knew all along. He wanted to have me from the moment he saw me. I told him I felt the same way and couldn't wait to get my hands on him, among other things. *wink* He would have fucked me in his car he said. Eventhough that sounded exciting, I wanted our first time to be in a bed so we have more freedom to do what we wanted in any position.

A year later, I thought it would never happen. Our schedules were just impossible to align. After a while, I thought he was one of those guys who only like the idea but not really man enough to do anything about it. Out of all the swinger men I've met, Matt is the only one whom I was completely physically attracted to. For me, he looked perfect that's why I waited patiently. He would instant message, text, and call once in a while and we had a couple of phone sex sessions but nothing extraordinary. I actually thought he would be a lame lover because he never had anything creative to tell me when we're trying to talk dirty to each other. He didn't turn me on mentally. I gave up on him a couple of months ago thinking he was only playing the mind game with me and I was getting tired of it.

Then yesterday, he asked me if I still want his cock and when I want it. I played along a little and said yes and of course, we were back to our scheduling issue. I started to make excuses not see him too. I thought he was too perfect and I'm not. I also thought he will be lame in bed anyway so why bother. Then I had the stupid idea that he might be psycho and I'll never make it back home. Then I realized I have been out of the game for too long and making excuses. It was time I faced my fears.

I was waiting for him to cancel again like he did last minute the last time I thought we were getting together but he didn't. Slowly, all my fears melted away and I was just horny as hell and excited. My clit is still all tingly as I write this. *blush* So here's the part you've been waiting for. We met at a mall parking lot so I didn't have to drive all the way to his place. He looked a little different without his hat on and he gained a little weight but he still looked cute. I get in his car and immediately, he kisses me full on the mouth and I just melted. I'm not exaggerating, I really felt my body and brain turn to mush. We had chemistry alright. I thought that was enough even if he really turns out to be lame. I had no expectations as to avoid disappointments. I've been disappointed way too many times.

He couldn't keep his hands to himself and I was getting wetter and wetter by the minute. We got to his place and as soon as that door closes, it was on. He was telling me how much he wanted to do this from the day at the bookstore while kissing me, fondling me and undressing me at the same time. I couldn't wait to unwrap my overdue present either and man! was I happy with his package. His cock was bigger than I thought and it filled my mouth oh so nicely.

Photo Source

I pushed him down the bed while I enjoyed my new treat and oh was it delicious! Even his balls were perfect. I don't like saggy ones. Then it was his turn to return the favor. When that tongue touched my clit, I saw stars. Yes, he was orally gifted and that's not even the best part. I couldn't wait any longer, I was longing for his huge dick to fill me up. Again, no disappointment there, only pleasure when he entered. In less than a minute, he came and I thought I was doomed, that it was too good to be true. I was still hopeful he can get it up again and I was willing to wait because I had intentions of riding that masterpiece. Well, guess what ladies and gents? He never went limp! His cock was rock hard for almost two hours straight. Unbelievable! He's only 28 so I'm sure it was his natural gift and not blue-pill assisted. This would be a good time to give you his profile. He's 6'4, about 170 pounds, hazel eyes, caucasian and a highschool football coach.

So imagine my surprise when I didn't need to wait. I rode on that massive cock so fast just in case, I was dreaming. Nope, I was fully awake and fully aroused. The good news just kept coming. As soon as I sat on it, I was frozen with undescribable pleasure. He hit the spot! I couldn't move because it was just all too much. He saw this and was very amused and teased me even more by grinding me against his cock. I was having a sensory overload. It was a mix of laughter and moaning.

After I came, he wouldn't even give me a break. I know, am I really complaining? He didn't want to take his dick off of me. He wanted to leave it there until I was ready to go again. Like I said, I didn't have to move to feel that overwhelming sensation of pleasure so there was really no break for me. We just kept going and going and going and my pussy is not even sore and it's still horny after all that pounding. If it wasn't three in the morning and if he didn't have to be at work by seven, we probably wouldn't stop. When we were getting ready to leave, we finally had a chance to just talk and underneath that sex machine is a nice, gentle, almost innocent, sweet guy who opens doors for me. What a lovely evening-morning I had.

Closing Time

2009-08-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

Photo Source

The last day of my vacation has come. The curtains has closed to such a wonderful show that is entitled time away from work. I sure enjoyed myself more than I thought.

I took this week off with the major goal of getting my to-do list boxes checked. There wasn't supposed to be any play time that would distract me from my goal but I was too weak to say no to fun times. I have wasted countless times in the past by deviating from the goal and regretted it tremendously but not this time. This time, I somehow achieved balance. I don't know how I did it but I did. I was able to squeeze in time for fun and still got some of my chores done. I didn't get all of them done but enough to make me feel like I've used my time wisely.

No more vacation for me for the rest of the year and I need all the help and support I can get to get through this without falling apart. Yes, it can be that bad some days. For now, I take a bow to a well spent vacation full of relaxation, sexy fun, accomplishments and inner peace.

Time to Let Go

2009-08-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

Today I decided to go through my closet full of crap. I've been meaning to do this for a long, long time. Sometimes it seems like stuff just appears and finds a corner in my house and stay there uninvited and unwelcomed.
Photo Source
The Daycare Center that we send our kids to asked for some donation they can sell on a yard sale type of deal so I was religiously going through my stuff. It was either donate or volunteer to sit out there on a weekend and sell those stuff. I cannot sell anything to save my life and I'd hate to waste a weekend selling instead of having fun. I knew I had a lot of things to donate anyway to free up some space in my getting cramped by the minute house.

So I came across my babies' holloween costumes; a little duck, lady bug, bear and a flower. Aaaaww! I actually had to think about it. It sounds overly dramatic but if you're a parent, you can somewhat relate to this I hope. These were not just costumes, they had memories attached to them. I really miss the little cuddly babies who wore the costumes. Yes, they were very demanding at that age and practically attached to my hips one hundred percent but they also didn't have attitudes that toddlers have. When they were babies, they were just little blobs with those big eyes that stare at me adoringly. I was their everything. I am proud to see my children grow more independent each day but I do miss being needed from time to time. Can you imagine what my blog would be like when they have gone to College? *shiver*

Photo Source

I miss little babies and whenever I see a baby, it makes me want to have more of my own. I still can but I don't think I can manage the two weeks of recovery after giving birth, nursing and pumping at work and the never ending sleepless nights. I think I'm fine with two.

So I had a little farewell moment with those costumes and told myself that other babies can make more memories with them. If I need to remember those baby days, I can just look at the pictures and try to enjoy every moment of them being toddlers because soon enough, I will miss these times as well.

My Heart Broke Tonight

2009-08-03T22:08:00.000-07:00

It's not for the reason you might think. It's not another guy who broke my heart. This time, it's my four and a half year old daughter. Lately, she's been very stubborn and I just assumed that was part of the terrible two that goes on for years. You parents, know what I'm talking about. My husband is the disciplinarian of the house and I'm the pushover. I am usually very patient unless I'm exhausted or in some sort of physical pain. I happened to be both tonight so I had zero patience. Recently, it seemed like she's just getting into one trouble after another. She ignores me when I ask her to do something, this is a big one. She takes her brother's teddy bear just to torment him and make him cry.

Tonight, I realized just how serious the situation is. There I was, giving my usual lecture, discussing consequences with her and she had this smile on her face and twinkle in her eyes. I asked her to repeat what I said because she was very good with the "yes mommy" part when I asked her if I made myself clear. To my surprise, almost everything I said went in one ear and out the other. That just made me furious! I wasted my breath. I didn't know what to do with her anymore. She only remembers bits and pieces and not the good ones either. She doesn't remember what she did wrong or she blocked that out. She knows the consequence though but it doesn't really make any difference to her because she'll just get into trouble again the next chance she gets.

I sent her to her room and my husband talked to her. This is the part that broke my heart. She said she is going to space to find a family that loves her. My heart is broken because I felt like I failed her and I failed as a mother. I love her with all my heart and yet she only remembered the scolding part. She thinks that just because I'm so upset that I don't want her anymore. Tough love worked on me when I was a child because I was aware of what I did wrong. It's not working with her because she shuts out the part where she was actually being stubborn. No cause and effect, just effect for her. I also am completely helpless as to how to deal with her.

I was crying to my husband out of frustration and guilt. We should be our daughter's support system. I realized we let life get in the way with making sure she felt loved. I'm guilty for always being busy. I need to revisit my priorities. I've been too consumed with chores, work, going to the gym, my marriage, swinging, my parents, daydreaming about vacation, my cat's flea problems, making dinner and a gazillion other things that my kids went on the wayside. I feel horrible about that. I felt like I don't deserve to have such two beautiful children. They should be my first priority. After all, none of the other things really matter if I lose my children due to my own negligence.

I feel so awful that she felt we don't love her and I want to make this right. So hubby and I devised a plan. We will spend more time with the kids especially my daughter who feels like my son is taking over her world. We will go buy games the whole family can play this week. We will enroll them in swimming lessons this Sunday. We will go to the zoo and watch Ice Age very soon. We will have one on one time with her just so she can talk her heart out.

I went to her room but she was already asleep. I kissed her cheek, brushed her hair off her face and covered her up with her blanky.

Time Away

2009-08-03T15:04:00.000-07:00

Photo Source

I took a week off of work starting today. I needed time away, away from everything. If I had it my way, I would be on a tropical island relaxing and watching the waves do its little dance with the sand. I’ll have a drink in my hand, served by a handsome man or men in their Speedos. Of course my beloved hubby would be there and my favorite part is the no care in the world attitude vacations usually bring. The only decision I have to make is what my next meal is going to be and even that would be served whenever I wanted it. No need to plan or even make it myself. Aahh… my happy place.

*alarm going off* Wake up time. Yes that’s right ladies and gentlemen, that was just a dream. I’m spending my week at home catching up on chores. Anything’s better than being at work to tell you the truth. Yes I know, If I’m that miserable in my job then I should find another one. I wish it was that easy but in this economy, it’s suicide. So for now, I’ll make the best of what I have and that’s a week of freedom.

I got up at 7:30 this morning to get the kids ready for daycare then I went back to sleep and was supposed to be up an hour later. I must have turned my alarm off because when I woke up, it was 10:30. I made myself something to eat and watched Adam and Steve. It’s an entertaining, funny and emotional movie. It’s a gay romantic comedy and enjoyed it. I even liked the way it ended. When that was over, my morning was pretty much gone. I know I should have been starting on my chores but I just wanted to be a couch potato. For some reason, when I turn that T.V. on, it puts me under a I-don’t-wanna-do-anything spell. I fooled around some more on my IPhone reading blogs here and there wondering what makes a blog worthy of a Blogs of Note Award when a lot of them are not even worth reading in my opinion. I did see some blogs that peaked my interest, even inspired me to write. It’s amazing how many people are out there and how different they are from each other and yet somehow connected by the experiences and challenges they’re facing on a daily basis.

I Took a Bite of the Forbidden Fruit

2009-07-31T20:38:00.000-07:00

Growing up a Catholic in the Philippines didn't leave me much choice in what to believe in. Everything was laid out in front of me and I was expected to take it all in without question or doubt. Believing in something blindly had its perks, I always felt stable. It may have been my parents that influenced that state of being but I think that a lot of it had to do with my faith in God. I believed that everything happens for a reason and He has a greater plan for me so I believed that where I am and who I'm with is meant to be. If I pray for something and not have that prayer answered, I believed it's because God has a better plan for me and He knows what's best. That was such a solid safety net to fall back on. All my challenges in life seemed easier to bear knowing that I have a bigger and stronger power always with me. I let things unfold without fear and dealt with challenges with ease.

Lately, my days have been filled with worry, fear, doubt and just complete internal chaos. A risk one takes when opening one's mind to knowledge is losing the faith that has been instilled in her. I now am open to the possibility that we create our own destiny and every choice we make affects our future and that nothing is written in stone. That way of thinking puts a lot of pressure on me instead of on a higher power. Now I have to do the best I can and not leave any stone unturned before I accept that's just how things are going to be. That mentality makes it more depressing and frustrating when I fail because now, I blame myself instead of thinking it happened for a reason. I am grateful to be exposed to other ways of thinking and learning to think for myself but I paid a very high price.

Once again, my problem can be resolved by achieving balance but exactly how I'm going to do that is the question. I'm completely torn between the two. Each has its own advantages and disadvantages. Unfortunately this time, my mother won't be holding my hand and walking me through it. I very much would like to go back to my old way of thinking which is more comforting for me but I'm always going to have this voice in my head reminding me of what I have learned. So now it comes down to choosing between being carefree, living each moment and moving forward or being completely responsible for everything that happens in my life, looking back and correcting the mistakes I made and avoiding it in the future. It's between living or worrying and stressing. It should be easy to pick a side now but I can't shake off the feeling that I'm missing an important factor to make a sound judgment. For now, I'll stay in limbo. Suggestions are welcome and needed.

Train Wreck

2009-07-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

One thing I don't like about summmer is being exposed to some shocking scenes. I'm talking about people running around in less clothing. Some people just don't really care about what others think about them and I can benefit from being more like that, no doubt. Sometimes though, I think that everyone should have a mirror in their house and they should make sure they look decent before they go outside. Adults can tolerate the scary visuals and may heal from the trauma without complications but the poor little ones may not. The poor innocent minds, they shouldn't have to see any of that in such an early age. Let's keep them innocent for a little while longer, shall we?

So while I was waiting for my bus this afternoon in 91 degrees temperature, a woman in her fiftees or sixtees walked passed me. I immediately zoomed in on her. Her green, form-fitting halter dress that stopped just below her crotch caught my attention and half her ass cheeks peeking through. She must have weighed 160 pounds or so with hair dyed red. She looks to be high on something and I'm pretty sure it wasn't life. She could have been on medication too but who knows. Maybe even drunk, it's anyone's guess. She went straight to the trash can and started digging. She got some stuff out and one by one laid them on the ground. She had to bend down to do this and the first time she did, her rear end was facing the other way, giving the people across the street a pretty good view. The next time she bent over, her butt was facing my direction. This is the train-wreck-moment. I should have looked away but I just had to see for myself. I know it wasn't going to be pretty but I had to know the truth. Was she or was she not wearing a thong underwear? As if in slow motion, she bends over and I see white, pale ass with hair in and around the crack and no, I repeat, no underwear! Aaaaagggghhhh! My eyes!

First Boy Toy Ever

2009-07-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

Aahh... how can one ever forget his first. :) One night, I came to hubby who was under the weather, horny as hell. I have been checking out the naughy profiles on the site and can't help but be horny. I wanted to get some action from hubby but he just wasn't up for it, pun intented. All I know was that I have needs and I needed something hard to take care of it. Hey, here's an idea. How about finally growing balls and meeting one of these yummy guys? Hubby still wouldn't believe I'd do it. I think he was still in disbelief as I walked my cute ass out the door that night.

Here's his profile so you have an idea of who he is. Too bad I can't show you his face picture.
Gender: Man
Birthdate: October 7, 1979(29 years old)
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Marital Status: Single
Height: 6 ft 3 in / 190-193 cm
Body Type: Athletic
Smoking: I'm a non-smoker
Drinking: I'm a light/social drinker
Drugs: I don't use drugs
Education: Master's Degree
Race: Caucasian
Male Endowment: Very Long/Thick
Circumcised: No
Speaks: English

We met at dance club on a different night. I couldn't tell where he was. I thought he would be shorter because of his picture. I should have paid attention to his profile. Anyway, we finally met and he too, did not pay attention to my profile. He thought I would be blonde. Not even close. We danced for a bit and this guy can dance. That's always a plus in my book. I couldn't understand most of what he said because of his Bulgarian accent but I understood enough I guess.

When I told him I wanted to see him that night I was exceptionally horny, we met a restraurant and talked over dinner. The whole time I was thinking, "enough talking, let's get it on!". We finally went back to his place and I was nervous as hell. I didn't know what to expect and I was excited at the prospect of having sex with another man with my husband knowing about it. I unzipped his pants and out came anaconda. I was drooling over that man meat in front of me. Yum! I love giving oral sex. It makes my job more exciting when the guy's cock is huge. Oh did I have some fun licking and sucking that lollipop. After much teasing and foreplay, I couldn't wait anymore for his hard tool to take care of my urges. I thought I would see stars when he penetrated my pussy but I didn't. I chalked it up to my mind messing with me with it being the very first one. For some reason, the thought that my husband knew about it, took away the ultimate thrill. I had his blessing so it wasn't dangerous and therefore seemed like a very normal sexual encounter. Don't get me wrong, I had my fun and I always orgasm but it just wasn't as explosive as I thought. It could also be all that anticipation.

The sex might not have been all I've hoped for but I enjoyed his company. We had candles all over his room and had jazz music in the background. He's a cudddler too. What I enjoyed the most was him stroking my hair while I was nuzzled in his arms. We're good friends now and still see each other from time to time. We were toying with the idea of meeting in a dance club. I will be wearing a short skirt so I could easily lift it up when he's hard and ready then we can have sex in the club. He will most likely be sitting down while I lower myself slowly but of course the challenge will be not getting caught.

How I Became a Swinger

2009-07-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

After four months of being a member in this swinger site, I finally decided to go for it. Before accidentally tripping over the site, I had no idea such lifestyle even existed. The pop-up ad looked intriguing enough that I decided to take a look. What harm can it possibly do, right? I saw at least a couple of really yummy looking guys. Of course at this point, all I see is their killer abs but no face. I flirted a bit, sent a wink here and a smile there but not expecting anything really. To my surprise, the yummy guys replied and were very interested. I haven't even had any pictures up yet. When they asked for pictures, I took some from my digital camera on self-timer because hubby was too busy to take sexy pictures of me. When i brought up the whole idea to hubby, his reaction was one of disbelief. He said I would never do it, not in a million years. Not his sweet, innocent, possessive and conservative wife. I said I'll show him and he just smirked.

It took me four long months to finally do anything about it. I was chicken for the most part. I thought that these guys are way too hot to want me. You have to know that I'm a mom of two little ones and my life was pretty much work and home. I've been married for 9 years then and I just didn't feel all that sexy and attractive anymore. So there was the insecurity and fear of rejection and the other factor that kept me from jumping in was the protection issue. I have never been a big fan of condoms, in fact, I hate them. I might as well use a dildo. It just doesn't feel that good for me. However, I couldn't very well just ignore the health risk of having multiple sex partners. I'm sure the few minutes of pleasure won't be worth contracting sexually transmitted disease. There was no way I was going out there unprotected, not with two young children at home who need me.

So I made peace with myself and using condom and now have a favorite brand. Trojan Supra is the best if you ask me. It's super thin and it's latex-free. I swear it doesn't feel like it's there. My eyes just roll at the back of my head during penetration. So the swinging begins.

"They're Real if You Can Touch 'Em"

2009-07-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

That's what my beloved husband says when asked if fake large boobs are better than the real ones. I'm sure a lot of guys would agree with his mentality. Now, I want to make sure that you understand that I don't have anything against you ladies who have decided to enhance the breasts that your momma gave you. It's your body and you can do whatever it is you feel you should. I can only hope that you're doing it for you and not for someone else.

The question was directed at me as well and here's my preference. *drum roll* I will always pick the real ones any day. I have real ones and even though they're not monstrous in size, I like them this way, au naturel. It wasn't my own breasts that helped me made the decision though, it was other women's, which I had the pleasure of sampling.

The very first lady I had the pleasure of experiencing was an A cup size. Honestly, there wasn't much for me to play with but that didn't keep me from having a really good time. The rest of her was nonetheless enticing. The next girl I remember playing with had about a 36 B cup size but the girls were surgically enhanced. At that time, I still didn't notice the difference. When I finally played with a woman with natural huge breasts, OMFG! This was what I was missing?! Fuck! You couldn't get my hands off those puppies if you tried. Wow! Those babies felt like butter melting in my hands as I fondle them gently at first. They moved like jello, obeying my hands' every command. Now, kissing and licking them was a whole new experience as well. My lips just sank in them with such a natural ease. The whole breast molded my mouth and the area around my full lips. That's when my light bulb-moment lit up. Natural tits are way better than silicon.

Oh, To Be Young Again

2009-07-15T22:36:00.000-07:00

I'm not as old as dirt yet but I'm feeling the negative effects of aging. I worry too much these days about things I should not even waste my energy on. I worry about my actions and how they're going to affect my future. All this worrying keeps me from enjoying the moment and seeing what really matters. There's no guarantee how long I'll live or how much time I have left and yet, it's so easy to lose sight of that and get caught up in my daily trivial issues.

To be young again. To live each day one moment at a time, not caring what the future holds. To explore everything without fear or reservation. To wake up everyday, excited to see what this day has to offer. To fall, get back up, brush the dirt off my knees and conquer the world again.

I seemed to have lost my youth in the midst of all the resposibilities and consequences of my actions. I'm hoping to find it again soon before my body gives up as well.

Think of Me Fondly

2009-07-14T16:02:00.000-07:00

Out of the nowhere, I had flashbacks of my lover, the one who passed away. Come to think of it, he'd be the only one I'd consider my lover and he will always have a special place in my heart. But that's the dillema right there. One moment, I feel that way then I feel like I should hate him the next. I'm not sure if that's fueled by wanting to ease the hole he left in my heart or giving myself a healthy doze of reality. I've read it in an article once that remembering only the good things about a dead person is what's called the halo effect. You tend to put them on a pedestal after they die and forget all about their imperfections. That seems to be true in my case. As wonderful as he was to me, there's no denying that he hurt me and eventually left me in the depression hole for a long time.

In memorial services, you often hear people wanting you to remember the happy times and to celebrate his life and remember when he was alive and keep him alive in your hearts. I'm doing all of these without being prompted, it happens as naturally as breathing for me. As much as I want to emerge myself in the happiness that used to be, a big part of me wants to be realistic and not lose sight of what really happened. I guess it lessens the pain to have a big chunk of reality thrown in the mix. With the memory not as perfect and as wonderful as I'd like to believe it was, him gone is not as painful and doesn't seem like that much of a loss. It always seems to be double-edged though.

You can either be very happy and start believing in things that never were or have your feet on the ground and remain true to yourself. Obviously I'm choosing the latter but sometimes, I wish I can just allow myself to live in our happy moments together but I'm too afraid, too afraid to actually believe in the fantasy I built.

What to Do

2009-07-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

Once in a while, I would take my children to the bookstore for story time. The most interesting stories are the ones the parents tell by their behavior. I don't know if the parents are more self conscious in front of other parents or that's just the way they are but this is where you see a display of different parenting styles; from ridiculous to admirable. I hope I fit in there somewhere in between.

Tonight, something bothered me particularly. Our sort of new friend brought his daughter over who's the same age as my daughter. My children goes to daycare while I'm at work but our friend's daughter is always either with her mom or dad or grandparents. She's not around other kids very often. As much as I would love to spend every waking moment with my children, I am thankful that they are learning social skills at daycare. My daughter, much like my husband is very confident and does great being around people. Mia, our friend's daughter on the other hand is very quiet and kept to herself. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I am the same way. However, you can tell how out of her element she is and this is not the first time she's been to our house and played with my daughter and son. We even went camping together. I guess unless you're her daddy, she's never going to warm up to you and believe me, I've tried. My daughter was being her usual playful, bouncy self and wanted to play with Mia when all of a sudden, she tells her daddy that Emma scratched her and pulled on her beautiful dress. My daughter was just trying to play with her. What surprised me was how her dad dealt with the situation. Instead of difusing her reaction and trying to be the grownup, he was instructing her to tell my daughter to STOP if she doesn't like what she's doing. That's ok but you don't have to yell to get the message across and this is something he should be discussing with her in private. I felt like he was indirectly reprimanding me and made me feel like a lousy mother. Just for formality purposes, I talked to my daughter in a calm voice to be gentle with Mia. Mia just acted up some more and started crying as if she was really injured.

I used to feel sorry for her for being a product of divorce and not having any kids around that's why I invited them to come over more often. Now, I don't even want her around my children. It's too much for me to handle. I know when my kids misbehave and I make sure I keep them in line but to witness someone accuse them of a lie is very painful. Part of me wanted to just say it like it is but I had to restrain myself and be the only adult in the room.

Challenges of a Domestic Goddess

2009-07-09T08:13:00.000-07:00

More often than not, things go unnoticed by people. Sometimes, it can be as simple as they don’t see you doing it or it’s just not that high on their priority list. In short, you do things that may only matter to you but a good job is what it is and it deserves recognition even if you have to do it yourself.

I came to work this morning feeling overwhelmed as usual and exhausted. I felt as if I was just here and that I didn’t get much accomplished last night. Hubby went out of town again for business last night and I was stressed out to the max again. It never fails every time he tells me he has a trip coming up. Then I started retracing my night and realized I actually accomplished quite a bit. I feel a list coming on.

• I picked up the kids from daycare and introduced our babysitter who will be dropping off the kids to daycare tomorrow to the daycare owner. Both are usually hubby’s duties.

• I came home and made a simple yet sufficient dinner for everyone. I didn’t think I would have enough time or energy to do this without hubby around. I usually cook after I get home from work and he picks up the children so I have more time in the kitchen.

• I emptied the dishwasher, washed another set of dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Also something that hubby is a big part of. I can usually put my feet up after dinner and let my food digest but not last night.

• I packed my lunch instead of buying….again.

• I managed to wash two loads of laundry.

• I gave the kids a long bubble bath which they love.

• I got them ready for bed, teeth brushed and everything. My son didn’t want to cooperate in the sleeping department though. That’s part of the reason why I feel like a zombie this morning.

• And finally, after a nice warm shower with no lights but candles, I was able to put my feet up, watched a funny movie and savored a cup of mango ice cream.

So now that I look back on my list, I think I did alright. *pat, pat, pat*

A Promise of an Orgy

2009-06-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since hubby and I engaged in some sexual overload parties. I haven't played alone much either. It's just a busy time right now. So when my husband told me we were going to a meet-and-greet swinger party, I panicked. I felt like a newbie again. I freaked out. I had flashbacks from the last orgy we attended. It was not pretty. I will tell you about it in a separate time. I guess even after all these months, the horror still lives in me. Back to the present, I tried to imagine the best instead of the worst. I was hopeful we would at least meet even one couple or even one single guy worth our time.

So fast forward, we're at the door of some sex club in downtown Seattle. The greeter is this woman weighing close to 200 pounds with boobs popping out of her top. I looked to my left and I saw a bunch of people at their 40's and older and people who are tipping the weighing scale at a much higher number. I'm 28, 5'5 1/2 inches tall and weigh 118 pounds so I felt slightly uncomfortable. My husband and I found a spot on the couch next a couple who are older than my parents. Then a guy in his 60's sitting on a wheelchair extended his hand and complimented my very hot shoes. Yeah right. My husband talked me into wearing a halter dress that stopped mid thigh. I was showing a lot of skin. Being around all those older people sure made me feel naked... in a bad way.

We all went upstairs for an orientation. The setup was quite nice and cozy IF they were all hot young people. There were several beds right next to each other separated only by see-through fabric. There were outlets for your toys if you needed them. Talk about toys, I was introduced to my very first Symbian. I didn't know what it is so the Symbian master gave me a little demo. Supposedly, this is the God of all dildos. Even if you don't respond well to vibrators, this is guaranteed to leave an impression on you. It looked powerful and it scared me. haha! Ok, not scared, nervous fits better. Why? It could malfunction or it will send me to orbit and back and having sex with a real penis will never cut it for me anymore.

So the promise of an orgy remained a promise. My husband and I had an agreement that we will never take one for the team ever again. We both did and some point in the past and we realized it's not worth it. So after the orientation, we politely left. There were a lot of disappointed looks casted our way but we had to save our sanity. Maybe next time I will have a real orgy story to tell you. For now, that's all folks.

Build Your Own Lover

2009-06-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

I am a hopeless romantic. Always have been and always will be. I listen to Barry Manilow, Air Supply among many other sappy love song artists. I was listening to Frank Sinatra's Fly Me to the Moon one day and seamlessly started daydreaming. I was slow dancing with my dream man under the moonlight. It was then when I thought how incredible it would be if you can build your own dream man or woman like you would a teddy bear. If I had the technology, I'd be filthy rich beyond belief. What about my husband you ask? He's human, he makes mistakes and rubs me the wrong way once in a while. I'm guilty of those very same things. I'm talking about the perfect man here.

So humor me and let's pretend I have the capability. What would Mr. Perfect, man of my dreams be like? :) For starters, let's assemble the way he would look. He is 6'4" tall white, Brasillian or Latin man. He's not too muscular but he is lean. He has dark hair paired with long lashes and the most piercing blue eyes you have ever seen. He has a masculine face but has softness in it's feature. I prefer a clean shaven face but if he can pull off a little scruff then that's fine by me. He has no piercings nor tattoos, just naked as the day he was born. When he smiles, you can hear the angels singing in the background in celebration of his beautiful, straight white teeth. He has very strong shoulders and arms, the kind that enables him to pick me up and bring me to ecstacy up against a wall. I like big, manly hands as well to better hold mine when we're walking or to explore every inch of my body with. His legs are just as strong as the rest of him so can he support me better when we're having crazy sex. Last but not least of course is his man meat. I'd like it to be above average in size and length please. No horses please, I wouldn't know where to stick it if it's too big. I don't want to suffocate either when I'm enjoying it in my mouth. Afterall, skills has a lot more to offer than size. Trust me, I know.

Now that we got that part out of the way, let's complete the rest of my man. He brings me flowers just because he feels so lucky to be with me. Ok, this part might be farther from the truth than the physical portion of my dream man but just bear with me. He loves the same music I do. We never have to argue which station to listen to. He lives to make me happy and please me and never gets tired of doing so. He has a life of his own but never loses sight of where I fit in it. I never feel neglected or last on his list. He would cancel anything to accommodate my needs. Man! I am asking for a lot here. :) He has such a calming and soothing voice that I can listen to him talk forever. He enjoys talking about anything under the sun and is genuinely interested in what I have to say. He likes to hold me whenever he can. He's very affectionate in a romantic kind of way but can also be my naughty boy when I need him to be. He opens doors for me and treats me with respect for the most part except when he teases me once in a while. He has a sense of humor for sure and he makes me laugh until my tummy hurts. He can cook and he takes care of me. He gives me foot rubs and massages on demand and does so gladly. Touching me and making me smile is enough reward for him. Dang! where can I find this man? He also is a family man and loves my kids. He's a little boy in a grown man's body. Mr. Perfect is a very good provider, we never have to worry about our finances. Here it is ladies, his bedroom power. Mr. Perfect can love you long time. :) He's a sex machine. He's very intuitive with your body language. You don't need to give him directions, he just knows which buttons to push to bring you to cloud 9. He kisses oh so gently one moment and kisses with passion the next. His lips doesn't leave any part of you undiscovered. He can be so sweet and so gentle but can also yank your hair, spank your ass and fuck you from behind when you want him to. *sigh*

Well, there you have it, a little glimpse of my dream man. I'd be very surprised if there's a man out there who fit the profile from start to finish. All I know is I have a man at home and he may not be perfect but he loves me. He may not love me exactly the way I want him to but he is loving me the best way he knows how. Like the saying goes, "It's not about having what you want but wanting what you have".

Jon and Kate Plus 8

2009-06-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

I don’t have much time to watch TV but once in a great while, I indulge myself with the useless crap it has to offer. Being a mother myself, I found the idea of this show very intriguing. I’m not an avid fan and have probably only seen it a total of 10 times or maybe even less.

Recently, Jon and Kate’s faces have been on tabloid and magazine covers. When I’m doing my grocery shopping, I see those as I wait in line for the cashier. I’m not really up to speed with what’s going on between them, I just skim through the headlines. There was the issue where they both denied the divorce and the affairs. Then next thing I hear, they are in the process of a divorce. What?! I thought they said…

The reason I care at all about this is I share something in common with them. I have children too. The mention of the word divorce somehow always makes me sad inside even if I don’t know the people involved. Weird thing is that I’m not against it either. I completely understand why some people resort to it. It’s especially true when the relationship they’re in becomes toxic. I don’t believe that the vow you took in marriage includes being abused. “For better or for worse,” sure, but that’s with the understanding that it’s not your significant other making things worse for you. So yes, I understand divorce.

Understanding alone doesn’t necessarily protect me from feeling bad nonetheless. I would try everything in my power to keep my marriage intact for the sake of my children. I’m not one to promote loveless marriage either but the children are one of my incentives in making it work. My husband is a product of a divorce and even if he was only two when it happened, he has a very low opinion on the matter. You’d think that because he was too young to remember life before the divorce that he wouldn’t know the difference but you’d be wrong. He had to go through all the horror of his mom’s boyfriends, then stepmothers and stepdads. Both his parents tried the marriage thing 5 times each but none of them worked. I know, it’s sad. I’m sure it’s no picnic for his parents either but my husband suffered through all the shuffling back and forth between his parents and then grandparents. Now, imagine eight kids having to go through this. You get the picture.

Now, I know that there are always two sides of everything. There are people out there who are lucky not to feel what my husband feels. I know someone who’s quite happy with being shuffled back and forth. He currently has a great relationship with both his parents and that’s all he ever knew. He was too young to remember what it was like to have them both under the same roof. I just hope that I never have to find out which side my kids will fall under.

Hello Kitty Vibrator?!

2009-06-23T22:18:00.000-07:00

Na-ah! What has this world come to? I couldn't believe my eyes when I came across someone's blog mentioning this particular vibrator. Un-fucking-believable! Why am I making such a big deal out of it? Because it just sounds all wrong, that's why. I'm not a prude, I'm a swinger for crying out loud but hello kitty vibrator? Really?! I guess when it comes to what turns people on, there's just no limit to the imagination.

When you say Hello Kitty, I think of innocent years. A time when I had no worries in the world and all I'm concerned with is playing, eating and sleeping. Yes, childhood. So the concept of our subject here is much like...I can't event think of anything to compare it to. It's disturbing to say the least that someone enjoys shoving that thing in their vajayjay and actually get satisfaction out of it. I can picture a cucumber or a banana in place of a vibrator but not something that reminds me of my carefree days.

Diversity manifests itself in so many ways, one of which is what people consider erotic. I wonder if that much diversity really does make the world go around. I don't judge, it's just not for me.

Presence or Absence?

2009-06-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

If you have read my previous posts, you know that there is one person who I miss quite a bit lately. I guess you can call him the flavor of the I Miss You month. If I'm so fortunate, it would be someone new next month. Why, you ask? Because that means I'm finally over missing this one guy. *sigh*

So here's the question for today. Which one is better, somebody's presence or somebody's absence? We are of course talking about it in relation to missing someone. For weeks, I lost count, this man hasn't kept in touch with me. He didn't even give me a pity-text. Nada, zip! I finally talked myself into believing that he has moved on and is now in a better place, a place where I'm not needed. Once in a while, I would still think about him and miss him but I was doing better everyday.

Then one day, out of the blue, I get a text message from him. He sounded like he just picked up where we left off. So casually, so matter-of-factly. I'll admit, my heart felt like it was going to burst with the overwhelming happiness the message brought me. I was immediately thinking happy thoughts, thoughts of seeing him again very soon. Then the torturous cycle began again. I'd wait for his messages and when he doesn't reply, it feels like a little pinch in my heart. Then I started wondering why he hasn't asked me out yet and assume that he's made plans with other girls. The torture grows. Until of course I catch myself doing so and mentally smack myself upside the head.

So I'm left wondering if his absence is better than his half-ass presence.

Me, Myself and I

2009-06-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

There is something to be said about doing things for yourself than for others. I have always always been a people-pleaser type of a gal and it's not always a good thing. I guess growing up always wanting my parents to be proud of me had a bit to do with that. It's good when it inspires and drives you to succeed but it's a double-edged sword.

What happened this afternoon is a picture of the other edge. My husband had mentioned how he wished our house was in a more orderly fashion. We had visited his bachelor friend who kept his house immaculate. Not only does he have someone come in and clean his house for him, he doesn't have children either. He's also very deligent when it comes to picking up after himself. How can one compete with that? I used to keep our house as clean and organized as I can but I just didn't have the time nor energy to keep it up anymore. It was either that or my sanity and I chose the latter. Now, it's not so ordelry but it's not disgusting either. I adapted to the saying, "If you can't beat them, join them."

I never thought an immaculate house meant that much to my husband because I pick up after him most of the time. Clutter never seemed to bother him in the past. It would bug me first before it ever gets in his nerves. Whatever the real reason for his sudden change of heart is not the topic today. It's how I foolishly thought I can make him happy by doing something about the clutter. Provided, I didn't get the whole house done but I got a good chunk of it done. Enough for him to notice and appreciate. Unfortunately, the reaction I got was not the one I anticipated. It didn't make that much difference and for that I was sad and disappointed. It was then that I realized I did it for the wrong reason. I've been meaning to clean the house anyway but I should have done it for me, in my own pace and for my own satisfaction and not his. The trouble with doing it for someone else is that you leave your heart open for crushing. If you're doing it for you, you'd be happy with the result no matter how small it is.

This doesn't just apply to this one aspect of life. This applies to almost everything. It could be writing, cooking or whatever the case maybe. I used to run into the same problem with cooking. I thought for a long time that cooking was just not for me because the people I was trying to impress weren't happy with it. When I started cooking for myself, I was a more forgiving critic and I learned from my mistakes instead of run away from them. What I'm hoping you take away from this is that it's better to always start with yourself. If you're happy with your creation then it won't matter much what others have to say. Oddly enough, it's much like the art of loving. You have to love yourself first before you can love others.

The Art of People Watching

2009-06-08T23:06:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure of enjoying a whole day any way I wanted. My first thoughts were running errands. My muse suggested a “me” day. Who am I to argue with my muse? First stop, Coffee Shop. Next stop, Hair Salon. Then someone suggested Alki Café for lunch. I would normally shy away from Alki Beach because finding a parking space is close to impossible. But, it was me day and I was in no rush so I went and what do you know? I found parking right away. As I waited for my chicken and avocado with red pepper spread sandwich, with chowder on the side, I let a sigh of relief go while I admired the beach and sun’s reflection on the water. Before I knew it, the people watching began.

First victims, I mean, subject of interest. *smiles* Four mothers pushing baby carriages. They all looked like they’re hopeful to get back in shape. I assume they’re all housewives because it’s once o’clock on a Monday morning and they’re out on a walk at the beach unless of course they all had the day off. I wondered if they secretly disliked one another because one has a cuter baby or one lost weight faster or even because they all couldn’t agree which is better, breastfeeding or bottle feeding. One mom must make the three moms feel inadequate. You know the type, the know-it-all super mom.

Then there was the short but buffed guy with a dog and a tight T-shirt on. He’s clearly looking for girls. I can tell by the way he’s standing there, chest all out. I could almost see him beating on it Tarzan-like and yelling, “I am man, hear me roar!” Of course if that doesn’t catch the ladies’ attention, the puppy dog eyes must.

Next is an elderly couple holding hands. Aaaaaw! How sweet! I can say they just met from one of those online dating sites and both have been married multiple times and divorced but I’ll opt for the more romantic version. They’re soul mates and have lived a full happy life together. Their children are all grown and their grandchildren surround them every weekend during their family dinner. He has always taken care of her, loved her and cherished her just like he promised on their wedding day. She is ever grateful for being so lucky to have found such a man and loves him with every beat of her heart. They may appear old but their love keeps them young.

There’s also a mother of two toddlers, one of which was screaming and trying to escape from her embrace. The child’s ear-piercing squeal was to say the least, irritating but she didn’t loose her temper. It was as if she rejoiced in her child’s every squeal for it meant life. There’s a picture of a mother fulfilled and one who understands a miracle of life.

You also have the dad walking alongside of his son on his bike. This one screams part-time dad who’s single and ready to mingle. He probably thought this is a good choice of place to do his fatherly duties because he can check out the girls in their bikinis at the same time.

Then you have this guy who’s walking a few feet in front of his wife and daughter. He looks like he wants to run away very fast and escape this hole he’s gotten himself into. His wife has traces left of being a hottie before she had the unplanned pregnancy. She’s trying to keep her looks as if it’s the only thing that would make him stay but she’s losing hope fast because she knows it’ll only be a matter of time. His mind is already long gone, far, far away from her.

Oh, the untold stories you see from watching people closely. I wonder what they think of me sitting all alone in a café reading my book. I doubt they can tell how much fun I’ve had and plan to have today. I also wonder if any of my conclusions are right about those people. I guess we’ll never know, it was sure interesting though.

You Say I’m a Slut Like it’s a Bad Thing

2009-06-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have been called the S-word once. (emphasis on once) I may have deserved it but then again maybe not. That’s not what this is all about. That experience however, made the word slut have a different ring to it since then. It used to have a playful, positive meaning to me.

Merriam-Webster defines slut as a promiscuous woman; especially: prostitute. I resent the latter. I have nothing against prostitutes. I’m sure they all have their reasons. We all choose what we want to be and they chose. I am not about to judge them and what they do for a living. I resent it because I don’t get paid. Haha! Now, promiscuous is easier to swallow for me. Again, it’s a choice, a choice to not be restricted to one sexual partner. As long as my husband is fine with it, I don’t see anything wrong with it. I’m not hurting anyone. Then again, you can argue that I am bound to hurt someone’s feelings. It might not be my husband’s but it could be the other guy’s or worse, my own. Oh well, we all have choices.

Meaning aside, it’s also a double standard. Christina Aguilera’s song Can’t Hold Us Down sums up my feelings about the issue real well.

The guy gets all the glory the more he can score
While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore

I don’t understand why its okay
The guy can get away with it & the girl gets named

If the guy have three girls then he’s the man
He can either give us some head, sex her raw
If the girl does the same, then she’s a whore

The depressing thing is that such view not only comes from men but women too. In a society where we’re told how women should behave, it’s sad that some of these women don’t think for themselves and just want to go with the flow. It’s always harder to go against the grain. I guess if you can’t stand up for yourself, the least you could do is not judge others who can. They should be an inspiration, not outcasts.

The T-shirt has Lost its Smell of You

2009-06-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

You have some things in common with my husband. You like beer and you like T-shirts with funny or sarcastic words on it. The night you finally met my husband, the two of you decided to wear one of those T-shirts. I, of course had one that says Drama Queen but I didn’t think that was very attractive so I didn’t wear it. Unbeknownst to me, you wanted to give me one of yours that has supposedly gotten too small. It says, “Friends with Privileges”, how appropriate.

Since then, my privileges with you have diminished way more than I’ve expected. All I have left now is that T-shirt. I would hold it close and be transported to our happy, euphoric times together. Back when you would kiss me on my head while I snuggle up to you. Back when I would feel so safe in your arms. Back when you would caress every inch of my skin and make all my troubles melt away. Back when you would kiss me so passionately that it feels like we’re the only two people left in this world.

I didn’t want to wear the T-shirt at first because I didn’t want to wash it and risk losing its smell of you, the smell that was the “ON” button for all those wonderful memories. One night though, I missed you so much that wearing it was the only comfort I could have. It eventually lost its smell of you.

Losing that, I can’t decide if it’s a curse or a blessing. Curse, because I’m afraid that I might forget us and lose you forever. And blessing because along the happy memories of the past comes the emptiness of the present without you. Without your comforting scent haunting me, I won’t be reminded of how much I miss you.

Sunny Seattle

2009-06-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

Those two words should never even be seen together. Contrary to what you see in movies or postcards, Seattle doesn't rain all that much but it's not sunny either. Most of the time, it's gloomy and grey. "Blah" is the word I describe it.

Today however, it's hands-down gorgeous! Summer is finally here. I wouldn't have believed it myself with the snow and hail we had in early
May. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to step out of the house without a thick jacket, a hood, a hat, gloves, umbrella and a scarf. I feel so light. :) I almost feel naked. On the naked subject, I actually run around with nothing but my thong on in the house. Yup! It's that warm right now. It got up to 89 degrees yesterday or was it more?!

I am loving this weather!!! Thank goodness I have gotten rid of my baby-fat. :)

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

2009-06-03T12:29:00.000-07:00

I told myself not to look at the comments on The Rest Is Still Unwritten about Prop 8 post anymore but I just can’t help it. I’m a glutton for punishment I guess. Every time I go back, I read a comment or two which makes me content and happy but it never fails, an opposing opinion always follows.

I don’t have a close friend or a relative who’s gay. As I mentioned in my comments on that post, I was born and raised a Catholic. I went to Catholic school and had to pray before the day starts, before and after class and had first Friday confessions. I was exposed to “God”.

What infuriates me to no end to the point of feeling like I have just been punched in the gut is how people use God to serve their own purpose. In this case, to deny the gay population to marry the ones they love. It sickens me that some people can so confidently declare what’s right and wrong and then drag God into it as if the mere mention of his name is going to make everything final. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in God. What I don’t believe in is that a God so loving would label being gay as wrong. God is so forgiving that he can overlook anything you have done that’s terrible. How can the same God be opposed to one’s happiness through commitment in marriage?

These people who are so righteous and mighty should really get off their high horses. It makes me laugh in a weird way when they talk as if God himself have spoken to them about the rules of being right and wrong. One person actually admitted to talking to a prophet and supposedly, God told the prophet that homosexuality is wrong. OMFG! Can you believe this person? Do they even hear themselves talk? I believe in God and God alone. I don’t think we need middle MEN. What makes you so sure that the so-called prophet is telling you the truth? Do you have proof? How can anyone blindly believe and follow someone just because they said so? I wish people who have the gifts of power such as the “prophets” use that gift in a positive way instead of hurting people just because they can. One comment said that whole gay marriage makes the society a harder place for children to thrive in. BS! People who think like this are one of the reasons it’s been difficult and will continue to be a challenge to live in this society we’re in because they judge.

There’s so much sadness in this world and it pains me that equality is such a difficult thing to achieve… even in America.

To Dye or Not to Dye

2009-06-03T08:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, for years I have highlighted my hair mostly during the summer. When I got pregnant again, I stopped and grew my natural hair free from any chemicals. My husband always loved my natural silky black hair. He said so on multiple ocassions while I had my highlights on. For about two years, I was quite happy with it.

But now it’s summer again and the idea of highlights is becoming more and more tempting. Jessica Alba—now that’s a whole lot of woman! ; ) Why bring her up? When I first laid eyes on her, she had jet black hair when she was doing Dark Angel or something like that. I never liked her then. I didn’t like the show and I didn’t like her character. I can’t remember the first movie I started liking her in. I do know that all the other movies I’ve seen her in, she had some or a lot of color on her hair.

It was then that I realized maybe that was the swinging vote I needed to finally jump into the “highlighting” wagon. Personally, I’ve always thought that a little splash of color on my hair made me look more approachable. The dark hair always looked very serious on me. However, I will lose the natural shine for sure as my husband had pointed out in the past. I guess it’s time for me to do what makes me feel good though. I kind of stayed with the natural color to please hubby too. It’s been two years, now it’s my turn. Hair Salon, here I come!

Missing You

2009-06-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

Here it is again, the feeling of missing someone. I really have started to hate it. Hate is a strong word I know but I don’t like the feeling of missing someone anymore. The weight it has on my chest is almost unbearable, like a baby sitting on you while you’re your back. It’s not too painful, yet it’s very uncomfortable. *sigh*

Sara Bareilles described what I’m going through concisely in a song. “And I miss you, like you were mine”. He’s not mine, yet I ache for his presence as if he is. I’m posting here anonymously so I would be able to pour my heart out without fear of anything. Yet, I feel hesitant to do so right now. I don’t want to admit that I like him that much. I might have liked him more that I should or wanted. I never realized it of course until he wasn’t so available to me anymore. I thought I had it under control. Or do I just feel this way because I feel I can’t have him anymore.

I finally spent some quality time with a new guy last Saturday and I actually had a lot of fun and he made me feel really good inside. Then what am I complaining about then, right? I wasn’t missing Bryan anymore until this morning. Until I remembered how smoothly everything went with him and how choppy it seemed with the new guy. The new guy learned quickly and found ways to finally satisfy me but it took work. With Bryan, everything was effortless. So then began the annoying feeling of missing him and aching for him.

I read an article once about how NOT to miss someone anymore. We apparently put than certain someone up on a pedestal when we miss them. We only remember the good things about them for some reason thus fueling the empty feeling of not having them around. When you think about it, they weren’t really all that perfect. My first time with Bryan didn’t go all that smoothly. He is however a very fast learner and very intuitive with my needs and how my body reacts so in no time, he had my body in complete control. He touches me and it’s instant heaven. I guess I just have to give the new guy a chance.

Homesick

2009-05-30T14:40:00.000-07:00

I've been in Seattle for almost ten years now. Before I had children, my husband and I would go to the Philippines on our vacation every year. When I got pregnant with my son, we haven't been back since. I don think I will survive the 24 hours or so flight with two small children in towe. It's been four years I think.

Today is such a nice warm day for Seattle, high of 75 degrees. The kids and I were driving by a Pinoy Store. I immediately thought of the Ube (purple yam) ice cream that I misssed so much. I did a U-turn for the store almost instantly. Walking in the grocery store felt like going through the aiport itself. The atmosphere of the place felt like I was back in the Philippines. Then came the sensation of the extra warmth of a tiny place that had no air conditioning with the door open to this warm weather we're finally having. It had a strange temperature similarity with my home country. I was transported in an instant.

It was then when I realized how much I missed "home". Home in the loose sense of the word because Seattle has been my home for years now. I guess I'll forevere have a piece of my heart owned by my first home.

Come Here Fishy Fishy

2009-05-29T23:58:00.000-07:00

When I picked up my kids from daycare this afternoon, my daughter asked if she could have a fish. I thought she was talking about the paper fish that was on the board. One of the teachers brought fish from her pond to give away because they were multiplying rapidly.

Last week, my husband and I were at Petco getting some medicine for our cat and I was drooling over the "Nemo and Dory" fish. We were in a hurry so I didn't buy them although I really wanted to. So, when this afternoon's opportunity was shoved in my face, they didn't have to twist my arm.

My kids were so happy about taking three fish home. We even took them straight to the playground with us and for a while there, the fish were more interesting than the swings and slides.

I went to the Target 15 minutes before closing time to get the fishy food. I came home and my husband fed them. They weren't eating. I looked at them closely. I have never looked at them this closely. I LOVE seafood. I LOVE fish. It's different looking at them alive, moving and gills breathing. They were looking at me. I told my husband I can't get too attached to these guys or I will completely shy away from eating fish. It's an unsettling feeling. Then I started imagining the pond they called home and looked at the pitcher we temporarily put them in for the night. Bad feelings start to wash over me. I felt bad that they're taken away from their home. I didn't want them to be unhappy because I know how that feels. Hopefully, they will acclimate and feel at home in their new residence. The kids sure love them. I hope they know that.

Men, Can't Live with Them, Can't Live without Them

2009-05-29T10:25:00.000-07:00

As long as we're on the topic of boytoys, I might as well put my thoughts into writing about men. Not all men, just the men I find atractive and sexy. I call them "yumcicles". There are two types:

Men who are on the swinger site.
These men are fine... nice bodies, nice ass, mostly nice personalities. Some have really yummy faces, some not so much but who cares when they have a rocking body to compensate that with. :) Now, these men are horny--- all the time! That explains why they're on the site in the first place. If they agree to meet me, there's no fear for rejection. I know I'm in and in control. It will all then be up to me when I make myself available. There is however the ocassional scheduling problem but in general, they're good to go whenever I am. To sum it up, it's very easy for me. Not much leg work required.

The Non-Swinger Men
Now these men are the challenge. You never know what you're gonna get. Most of them are all talk but when push comes to shove, they go running to momma. I don't know what scares them more, the fact that I'm married or that I'm a swinger. How's that you say? Married scenario: My husband might not know so imagine the trouble they're getting themselves into. You hear about all the psycho significant others finding out about affairs. You can fill in the rest. Swinger scenario: They might be looking for a possible long term or temporary relationship. I doubt they had a swinger in mind for that. Most of them don't want to share. They might even be afraid of something that's completely new to them and they don't quite understand it. They could have a conservative view of how relationships should be and that it should be monogamous. Whatever the case may be, they run away... fast! In short, they're complicated.

Swinger men, they pursue me. The non-swinger type is the other way around. Once in a while, I give up on the latter type. Too much work! Then again, it's not as much fun if it's just handed down to me all the time. Now I understand how guys like "the chase".

Close to Nature

2009-05-26T13:24:00.000-07:00

My family went camping on the Memorial Day weekend. This is my third camping trip in 10 years and I have never enjoyed camping this much. It took me a couple of hours or so to get adjusted to my new "home" for the weekend. Then it was pure pleasure going forward. It wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination; my husband forgot the tent poles to our 2-bedroom tent. Lucky for him, he found a town nearby that had camping equipments. He got one of the only two tents left and it was only big enough to fit a queen size air mattress in it.

Other than the ocassional tantrums from our two toddlers, it was smooth sailing all the way. The best thing I loved about that trip aside from spending quality time with the family is the fact that I was able to enjoy every minute. No worries...no rushing, no trying to beat the clock, no concern for being late. I just took each moment as it came and embraced it. It was amazing how much everything felt so right, like i belonged there all along.

Like everything else, there comes a point when it all ends. It was a bittersweet experience packing and leaving the camp site. I'm still a bit sad about being back to the real world. On the brighter side, there's always a next time. :)

It's All in Your Head

2009-05-08T15:26:00.000-07:00

That phrase is probably the least I like when it comes to describing depression. I used to think that depression just happens, it's not something I can control. I resented the thought of it being just in my head because to me that meant, I'm making it up, that it's not real. In short, that I'm just plain crazy. Who knows how I got to those conclusions.

Then I started reading "You Can Feel Good Again" by Richard Carlson Ph.D. and that phrase started making sense. So far, the book is explaining how depression's root cause is one's thoughts (thus the all-in-your-head part) This time though, the phrase has a different meaning to me, a positive one. Everything starts with a thought then comes the corresponding feeling. If I'm not aware they were just thought and not actually "reality" happening right there in front of me then I get sucked into the dark hole of depression once again, focusing only on the negative feeling the thought has given me and maybe making it worse than what it really is or was by thinking more negative thoughts through assumption.

I've been learning slowly but surely how to control my thoughts and where they lead me. I've been catching myself in that cycle quite a bit. No wonder I felt like I was always down. I sure beat myself up. I am my worst enemy. And I only feel as bad as I lead myself to believe. These were things I've heard people say to me before but they never clicked until now. I'm hoping to be better at being the captain of my own ship and to be completely mentally and emotionally well again. Three days of feeling good by closely monitoring my thoughts and feelings feels pretty good. I'm hopeful.

It is true that you're the only one who can make yourself happy. It doesn't matter what the rest of the world is doing even if it's all for you if you don't decide to be happy. It will all feel empty if you don't allow yourself to be happy.

It's a New Day

2009-04-28T06:23:00.000-07:00

Yup, I managed to crawl out of that dark hole once again. I can't help but think I have angels watching over me.

So with all the chaos and roller coaster of emotions I went through last night, this is what I got out of it. Other people would say this is a way God has spoken to me or answered my prayers in times of need.

See a need, fill a need. Funny how I got that from the animated film, Robots. Instead of an invention though, I'm doing solutions. So if I have a problem with something, I look at it as a development need then I jot down my goal followed by actions numbered one to three. I started a notebook just for that. Hopefully, I would keep going with it and not forget or get too lazy. So far, I'm seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel. :-)

Of course my ultimate solution which I always forget is when all else fails, PRAY. When I was younger and life seemed so much easier, that always did the trick. There's no reason why I shouldn't give it a try now.

Depression is Ugly

2009-04-27T20:41:00.000-07:00

I should know, I'm in that hole again tonight. Started with by 4 1/2 yo. daughter not listening to me. I seem to be losing control over her the same way I am with the rest of my life. I feel worthless. There was a time when I thought I was a real good mother but not anymore. I feel bad that I'm too distracted with everything around me that I slowly drifted away from my kids. I blame myself for how stubborn she is. I failed her. I'm not there when she wants to talk about her day or her feelings. The very thing I complain my husband doesn't give me, I'm doing to my children.

I'm suicidal once again. I just dont see any point into all of these anymore. Why am I even alive? I feel like a big waste of oxygen and space and I'm sure I'm a burden to my husband and people who care about me; friends and my parents. My therapist told me I shouldn't rob my kids off of their mother but if I'm gonna be a lousy one, what's the point? Maybe I can balance things out when their father becomes too strict? Even that is losing it's appeal because I felt so helpless when there was nothing I can do to stop him when he loses his cool with the children.

I was driving tonight and speeding up and crashing into something really seemed very appealing. I was sad I reached that point again. I felt bad for feeling so selfish. Seconds later, a car nearly hit me and I wished that it did. Immediately after that, I can picture me in a hospital hurt but m husband is as busy and as disconnected as ever. I realized i only wished that to happen for attention but that I would only get myself in a worse situation because I would be in the hospital bed, eating crappy food, unable to move and enjoy my kids and things I like doing.

Back to the drawing board of wondering what's the point to all this?

False Sense

2009-04-27T17:42:00.000-07:00

Lenses, camera lenses are used to achieve different effects. I remember seeing a postcard of Seattle and thinking what a magical place it must be. First time I laid eyes on the city, I thought it didn't look as nice as it did on the postcard. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful place. The point is that the lenses made it look better.

Same thing with women and makeup. I have to admit that makeup enhances a face. However, I often wonder what those hot actresses/actors really look like without makeup.

Last but not least, body shapers. I was switching channels on TV when I came across "Slim and Lift". I would have bought one if I had plenty of money at the moment. So these regular women have their flabs and rolls hanging out and as soon as they slipped into one of those body shapers, they're instantly 3 dress sizes down.

So, I know the end result "looks" good but we all know that's not what it really is. So I'm kind of confused. It's like we are lying to ourselves. Turning the other way when we all know what the truth really is and we actually prefer it this way?

Taking Pictures

2009-04-26T12:54:00.000-07:00

I'm the kind of person who loves photography but thinks that it gets in the way of enjoying the the event you're attending. You have to stop what you're doing to either smile to the camera or stop to take the picture yourself. This weekend though, I had an epiphany while walking in the famous Pike Place Market.

My husband and I like taking the kids to the market once in a while. It's fresh air, sun if we're lucky and some good food. With my renewed love for photography, I was inspired to take more pictures this time than usual. At the end of our little outing, I realized something. Taking pictures not only serves as a means for a reminder of that moment in time, its also forces you to look at the good things in life, the brighter side if you will. There were a lot of things that I would normally have taken for granted or ignored but I saw their beauty and potential through my camera lens.

Hearing Things

2009-04-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

It's 8:30 at night, kids are in bed and hubby is out of the house for the night. Complete peace and quiet except the tapping sound of my keyboard. I'm paying bills, concentrating, trying not to make a mistake with my hard earned money.

Then I hear something... I stopped typing. This time, I listened more closely, maximizing my hearing volume. It seems like someone's whispering in an eery kind of way. The sound reminded me of something scary that you'd hear from a horror film. I tried to let the adult part of my mind tower over the scared little child me. I have never liked horror films and vowed never to watch them again after I saw "What Lies Beneath". I listen one more time hoping I was just hearing things. I tried to convince myself it was only the humming of the computer.

I still hear it and this time, it's clear that the child in me is right-- it is someone whispering but who? I turn around to look for that sound and standing behind the ajar door is none other than my 22 months old boy. He was whispering because he knows he's supposed to be in bed and he's not. What a brat! Scared the holy crap out of me.

Easter Egg Hunt Corruption

2009-04-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

I know this is a little late but I just now found the time to do it. I took my kids to their first Easter Egg Hunt. My daughter is 4 1/2 and my son is 22 months old. That's the problem with expectations, when they're not met, it bites. I had visions of kids grouped by age, happily looking around for eggs.

What happened next broke my heart a little especially when I saw my daughter's disappointed litte face. Someone announced "GO" and toddlers to teens (some even older) had a mad dash to find the eggs. My little guy had no clue what was happening around him so I guided him and pointed at the eggs to put in his basket. My mom was guiding my daughter. Needless to say, my kids barely got any eggs with all the huge kids competition. I also saw one of the moderators secretly handing a "golden egg" to one of the kids which I later found out was his grandson.

It probably wouldn't hit me as hard if I didn't see my daughter's sad face. It's hard to swallow when at an event such as this, you'll see what the world is really like. The people who follow rules and choose to be good are the ones who lose. I'm sure there are a billion ways to look at this situation but this is the one that made an impression on me. I know that the world is filled with corrupt people in power but I was really hoping it didn't start so early and was hoping to shield the children as long as possible.

It wouldn't be fair if I don't at least present one other way of looking at this. Ok, so my kids didn't get the most eggs which will be equal to money or any material prizes in the real world. What they did get is something more important. They learned what's it's like to lose, to deal with that unpleasant feeling, to realize that they have a family who loves them, who tried to make them feel better. Material possesions including money will come and go but values, intergrity, people who love you and lessons learned are ingrained in you forever. That will help them be better equipped to deal with the real world. Instilling good principles will make them better people and God knows we need more of that today.

Whine, whine, whine...

2009-04-22T09:26:00.000-07:00

Lucky me, I had the day off yesterday. It happened to be a lovely sunny day. I had two choices; stay home, bum around and watch TV or go outside and "play" with a boy toy.

One of my boy toys happened to be free so I spent four hours with him “under the sheets”. It was a wonderful way to spend four hours. The only thing that could have made it better was if I also got the benefit of a sunny day instead of being inside the room the whole time. This is where the whining comes in.

Every time I have a day off this year and last year, it’s more often than not, spent catching up on house chores and checking off that never ending to-do list. I always feel cheated. I should be doing something fun, I tell myself and my husband. So once in a while I would indulge in a few hours of watching crap on TV and just laying on my couch like I have no worries at all. It does the trick until it’s time to face the dishes piling up in the sink. Then I feel like I’ve wasted precious time.

Same thing happened yesterday. I thought I would be happy treating myself to something pleasurable on my day off. It only left me feeling unproductive. I also felt like I missed out on a nice sunny day that we rarely have in Seattle. The house is cluttered once again and still is and I will have to deal with it after work today while making dinner, giving the kids their baths, doing laundry, changing the sheets and going to the gym. *sigh*

So, I’m not happy when I’m doing chores all day but I’m also not happy just pampering myself all day. I guess obtaining balance would be the key. God, I hope so! Otherwise, I’m all out of ideas.

Could I Be Free?

2009-04-10T16:02:00.000-07:00

I'm married to man much older than I am. When we met, I was just figuring out my life while he already has one. I tried to fit in but could never quite do so. He's a very busy responsible man and I was very lonely because of it. I, having lived a very sheltered life, my beloved husband understood my need for self discovery and was very supportive. Going to clubs to dance had a way of curing my homesickness even for just a little bit. It also gave me a glimpse of the old me who was forced to change. Then one night, an attractive guy danced with me and I all of a sudden felt beautiful. It was empowering to be seen, noticed and wanted. I quickly got addicted to the attention I was no longer getting at home. It became the reason why I went dancing from then on. There was no way I could have foreseen what was going to happen next. I let a guy kiss me and the rest was history. For most, this might be a "duh!" moment but not for the I-got-it-under-control-me. I was everything but in control. I fell in love and if you were paying attention at the beginning of my story, I'm married with kids! Could it be any worse? Apparently it could. He's married and a daddy. The wife found out and we couldn't see each other anymore.

We met on Sept 2006 and until today, I thought I still wasn't over him and never will be. When he said goodbye for the last time, my reason for dancing changed again. This time, it was the only thing I had left of him. I tried joining the swinger community in the hopes of forgetting the pain. Swinging also made me honest to my husband who later found out and forgave me. I know, I'm so lucky to have a man like him. Becoming swingers brought us closer together if you can believe that. My husband and I began spending more time together. I felt closer to him. So I went from dancing to swinging to get over my second love. I would meet guys as fast as I can to try and fill that void he left. No one can seem to do the job.

Then I met a man who was not only a "boytoy" but also became a friend. Another unexpected twist. I'm not inlove with him by any means. I made sure of that this time around. I slowly noticed not really having the desire to meet new swingers anymore. I was content. No desire to go clubbing either. Could I finally be free?

My lover died in a car accident. It will be one year next month.

Weekend Loser

2009-04-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

There was a point in my life, not too long ago when there just wasn't enough of me to go around. Too little time was what I always said. I was meeting new people left and right and squeezing everything in. I was living every second. Then the novelty of it all wore off and I became lazy or maybe just content with my present situation at that time. Next thing I know, I started feeling down as the weekend approaches. Panic! Scrambling to find something to do and someone to hang out with. I know... pathetic. A few weekends past uneventful.

I realized what was really buggin' me was not the fact that I was all alone on the weekend. It was the thought that my only free time away from work a.k.a "jail" has past me by with nothing to show for it. Monday is here all too quickly and I didn't do anything on Friday or Saturday. As if life itself only happens on weekends because the rest of the time is spent at work and with responsibilities at home. I felt cheated every time it went by quietly. *sigh

You must think I should do something about it, right? I guess that's where I'm stuck. I feel like those moments are so precious that I should spend it wisely doing worthwhile activities with worthy people. I have a few of those..people I mean but the ones I really want to spend it with have gotten busy with their own lives and the ones who are free are just a waste of time and I refuse to waste any more of it.

I should be happy not doing anything then if I can't find the right people to do it with but I get upset when my husband goes out with his friends and I'm stuck at home. I sound like I'm just whining but it's been bothering me for weeks now.